I'm terribly sorry to learn you've stumbled upon my ex. Face it, my friend, the behavior you describe in her is a mental illness that will become increasingly harmful to you as time goes by. Forget Prudie's advice. Get away from her now. Gnaw off your own arm if you have to.

Couldn't agree more. Prudie missed it on this one. That's because she does the same thing to her husband.

Excellent advice! I swear, this man's know-it-all fiance sounds so much like my late mother, it's scary.

She won't change, ever. She may promise to try to change and she may back off a little sometimes, but that's it. Surely, the LW doesn't want to put up with this for the next 50-plus years while also raising kids and dealing with all the other stresses and strains life puts us through?

RonB52:

Forget Prudie's advice. Get away from her now.

Huh?

Prudie might as well have been Paul Simon - she rattled off a list of the 50 ways.

Just dissociate, Nate. Admit your mistake, Jake.

Or give her the ultimatum ...

... Tatum?

(Thus endeth the lyricist career.)

Agreed. Don't expect anyone to change. Especially when you're engaged to them. If you can ignore her, you might have a shot, otherwise, just break it off.

I think your ex married my cousin. Cousin's wife has within 2 years successfully managed to run off the rest of his family, including his children and grandchildren because no one can stand to be around her for more than 30 seconds.

And no, I am not exaggerating. You literally cannot be in her presence for more than a minute without being contradicted on something, anything. The first time I met her we were meeting at our hotel. She asked what I thought of the room. I told her that the bed was too hard (it seriously was the hardest bed I've ever experienced and I ended up sleeping on the floor bec it was softer) and I was having some trouble with my back. Without touching the bed herself, she announces that of course the bed cannot be THAT hard and besides, everyone knows hard surfaces are better for backs and I don't know my own back.

That was within 60 seconds of her arrival.

Same visit we were at a dinner and I was eating spaghetti. She reached over and POURED half a bottle of hot sauce on my plate. While I am fighting the urge to shove the bottle down her throat, my dh asks her, "WTH are you doing?"

"Oh everyone likes hot sauce on their spaghetti."

"No, they don't," I grit out. "And regardless, I most certainly do not.

"Sure you do. You just don't know you do. After all, I know better. So, eat up!"

She acts this way with everyone and everyone has quickly tired of it. My cousin is now isolated and alone except for this woman.

So, IMO, the LW needs to dump this trash and move on. I would also suggest he get some counseling as to why he thinks being treated this way is the best he can do.

Camicar and others:

Prudie once wrote a response to a very similar letter in which she quoted or paraphrased a psychologist giving this kind of complex a name and some possible causes. I seem to remember the suggestion was that this kind of behavior might be learned from parents who treated her the same way, but more likely was the result of bitterness that her life was not all that she believed she deserved, or a combination of both. I also seem to remember it was also suggested that this personality disorder is very resistant to change. (I would say the reason is that these people are so constantly fixated on the mote in your eye that they become incapable of accepting the notion that there is a beam in their own.)

I wish I could find that Prudie column, because I remember feeling that it precisely described my ex, whom I sincerely believe to be quite divorced from reality by this affliction.

You said "I would also suggest he get some counseling as to why he thinks being treated this way is the best he can do."

You are a professional advice columnist, aren't you? :)

Dear god. It would be all I could do not to shove that spaghetti in her face.

Wow. That is quite staggeringly rude behaviour.

Did you immediately order another plate of spaghetti and insist she paid for the replacement?

I would've stuffed the Tobasco sauce bottle in her nostril and squeezed hard. Then I would've said, "you sounded a bit nasal, so I figured you were congested. Tobasco sauce is the only thing that clears out nasal passages. It's the oldest home remedy in the book. It works for everyone! Everyone should try it!"

I confess, I used to exhibit this very same behavior. My husband would tell guests that our lovely historic home was "built in 1926" and I would say "1925" and he would describe the house as "Spanish mission" and I would say "honey, its Mediterranean Revival." Etc., etc., etc. I just could not help it as it pained me to hear him give out this incorrect information. He describes me as "literal" I describe me as anxious to give people complete and correct information. Anywho, one night we were out having drinks with a friend and while she was in the bathroom he said the following. "I really love you and you have so many wonderful qualities. However, it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel and look stupid when you correct me in front of other people. Please stop correcting me." And guess what, I stopped correcting him (except every once in a while when he gives directions to our house and tells people to turn left when they can only turn right because our street is one way and I don't want them to end up in a head on crash). And while I cringe inside when he makes stuff up or gets the details wrong I have come to recognize that 98% of the time it doesn't matter. So my point is that if the LW loves this gal and she has lots of other wonderful qualities tell her how much the constant correcting hurts.

Good for you for suppressing your urge and changing the way you treat your husband, even if you don't agree with him.

But the LW seems to have tried the "ask nicely" approach, and got nowhere.

My ex boyfriend, (I'll call him Jack) had just broken up with his longtime girlfriend (I'll call her Jill) when he met me. She was the same way as the LW's fiance. So, for the first year or so, he kept telling me how GREAT I am for not putting him down, correcting him in front of others and trying to get him to change. Honestly, I'm too laid back to correct someone if they give a faux fact and I don't have the energy to try to get someone to change.

Anyway, he suddenly broke up with me. He said he was going back to his ex. Like a dog eating their own vomit, I guess.

Geez, Elle, you're giving me shivers. After I divorced The Evil One (let's call her Jill) I dated this really nice, laid back woman. I eventually broke up with her (she was planning our wedding after about the 4th date and I knew she just didn't happen to be right for me). Later I ended up re-marrying TEO. Go figure. Call me Jack.

Do we know each other? LOL

Yeeeeeesh. Sounds like a more intense version of my sister in law. I like her, but talking to her I feel like I'm constantly defending myself.

I express my opinion (solicited, as part of conversation, whatever) and she expresses the opposite in a very intense and confrontational manner. It's like an assault. My natural response is to defend myself, and she then proceeds to ATTACK ME FOR DEFENDING MYSELF! She's like "Don't get upset, I'm not arguing with you!" Um... yes you are. Otherwise, WHY ARE YOU YELLING????? WTF???? AAAHH!

The stupidest conversation (fight) we ever had was about wineglasses.

I was forced to pick out crystal & china by my inlaws. I know, I know, don't gripe if people want to buy you things, but really. With all the whining that goes on about bridezillas and entitlement and wanting expensive things, I was given a huge hard time about not wanting expensive things. It was a giant pain in my ass.

Anyway so I said okay, and chose the water glasses and white wine glasses (because they were smaller) from this one pattern. Because 2 glasses takes up less space than 5, wtf do I need champagne flutes for (SERIOUSLY, for WHAT?), the white wine ones were prettier, and my husband will not use them anyway. He refuses. (he has a neurological condition that causes lack of depth perception & other clumsiness, he has broken many glasses and glass things including injuring himself! he drinks out of plastic cups whenever possible, by choice.) I was not rude about it though, I was just like, "Okay, if you insist, I like these and these, that will be fine, thank you so much!"

My SIL started a HUGE FIGHT with me about how you HAVE TO have red and white wine glasses because they are different shapes FOR A REASON. Which I understand they are, the red are larger to give the wine more surface area to "breathe" or something, but since there are white wine glasses of one brand that are just as wide as red wine glasses from a completely different brand (it's not like the circumference is completely standardized) and I'm not that big of a "wine person", does it really matter?

(I have paid attention since, we have red and white wine out of the same glasses at my FIL's ALL THE TIME - they set the table with wine glasses in general, then pour you what kind you want. They don't fuss about with, oh you need a smaller one so your white wine doesnt OVERBREATHE, wtf.)

She was, like, offended that I didn't want both kinds of glasses, refused to listen to the fact that I understand your point, yes they are different shapes for a reason but I STILL DON'T EFFING WANT THEM, you asked me what I want so I am just telling you, why are you yelling at me for doing what you asked?? and when I defended myself she got in my face about how I don't need to defend myself she is not attacking me/arguing with me.

First of all, you most certainly are arguing with me. Otherwise why are you yelling at me for just expressing my opinion?

Second of all, I still don't want the effing red wine glasses.

Third of all if you are so offended by the idea of red wine in "white" glasses, you know, don't come over. I didn't even want the effing crystal in the first place, which should have been a clue to you that while I will be happy to have you over and cook for you, it will not be at the level of a State Dinner, take a chill pill. I'm your SIL not purveyor of a wine bar. And serving someone wine in the glasses you happen to own in your house is not rude. If you want to be a wine snob in your own house, be my guest. So to speak.

Fourth of all, oh my god you are the most exhausting human being on this earth.

Fifth of all, if you want to buy someone a particular thing for your own reasons because it suits your own emotional needs, just F*&^ing buy it. Don't ask their opinion of what they WOULD LIKE if you have NO INTENTION of listening. ARRGH.

Any conversation with her in which my opinion (not equal sign) her opinion I get yelled at /attacked. I have learned to just not discuss things I feel strongly about in her presence. It's not worth it.