I am absolutely appalled at this article. I am not married and am pregnant with my first child. A daughter. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and we could not be more thrilled with this gift. I am 23 years old and my boyfriend and I are both stable human beings with decent paying jobs, that have the financial and emotional capacity to care for a child. There is a woman I work with who would absolutely LOVE this article. When she realized I was pregnant, her response was not that of 'Congratulations!' or 'Do you know what you are having?' it was, 'Well, are you married?' I was absolutely hurt and offended by her comment. 'What does it matter if she is married?' another replied. EXACTLY. What does it matter if I am not married? And who has the right to judge someone else just because they are living their life differently? Do you think my daughter is not going to be loved as much because her parents aren't married? Absolutely not! This day in age it is very common to have children and not be married. Why rush into something that may not be right for you, just because you are pregnant? This isn't the 1950's anymore, when it was a cardinal sin to have children out-of-wedlock, and for someone to state that 'Out-of-wedlock births are a national catastrophe' and to write an article on it, is very close minded. We ARE in the 21st century you know!

Why rush into something that may not be right for you, just because you are pregnant?

I am curious about 2 things:

1) If you have been in this "committed relationship" for 2 years, how would getting married be "rushing in" exactly?

2) You are ready for the committment of parenthood but not the committment of marriage?

Trust me, hun, the committment of marriage is a LOT easier than the committment of parenthood. Husbands and wives are only semi-dependent on one another. Babies? COMPLETELY dependent on you.

Personally, I think the "raising" of a spouse is a good warm-up act for the real thing.... certainly not the other way around. While I am very glad that you two are thrilled with your impending parenthood, the realities that you are about to face will be somewhat sobering. Parenthood is HARD... especially in those early years. And it also takes a toll on your relationship. Without the hassle of a divorce, who's to say your significant other won't just turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble? Learn something from some of these other stories on here. One of the other ladies thought her "family man" would stick around, too... He didnt.

kekie25:

This day in age it is very common to have children and not be married. Why rush into something that may not be right for you, just because you are pregnant?

So rushing into marriage is bad because it "might not be right for you", but rushing into having a kid is perfectly okay? Even when you admit (by saying that marriage might not be right for you) that there's a chance that you and your boyfriend may not even stay together?

Just looking at this from a more practical POV:

Add to this the fact that if they do split, not having the benefit of a marriage contract will complicate the "who gets what" of the material aspects. Nobody will want to leave without the big screen TV or the side-by-side refrig and since neither community property nor marital property rules will hold up. The fights over things begins, hostility sets in, no one feels the outcome is fair and the child (children) have to suffer thru all of this. When you realize what goes on in even more amicable divorces, you have to understand that the ability to split at will presents it's own set of more unresolved problems.

I am also amazed at the audacity of this author. Why is it always the womans fault? I cannot believe that she blames this whole "catastrophe" on women's inability to keep their legs closed......that is so offensive and wholly unfair. Don't men have as much responsibility to prevent procreation? Don't men have a responsibility to be around and make their children a priority just as the single mothers have to do? I think the real issue here is not the women who are choosing to have the babies and raise them on their own but its the men who choose to run away and hide rather then be men and take responsibility for their actions!!!!

I am a single parent. I was in a stable 7 year relationship when I got pregnant in fact we were even engaged and getting married in 3 months!!! However being faced with a pregnancy my fiance realized that he had a lot of growing up to do and disappeared for almost 2 years. This was completely out of my control, I didn't choose to keep my child as a single parent I thought that we would still be together but HE did not want to be. Furthermore I am educated I am graduating medical school this year and I did not stupidly have unprotected sex. In fact we had used 2 methods of contraception and I still got pregnant. Protection is never 100% effective.

This author is extremely ignorant and I implore readers to think for themselves and realize that this so called catastrophe takes two people to be created and is sustained by men's inability to act selflessly and provide the best life possible for their children. I am not advocating marriage either but fathers can make the choice to put their kids first rather than themselves and spend as much time with their kids as the mothers do.

OK, let's not rip on all single dads just because yours left. There are plenty of great single dad's out there. I happen to be one, and I have a couple of friends that also spend as much time as possible with their children.

I totally agree with you that men need to step up to the plate, and even if they choose to leave the relationship, they need to be there for their child. That should not be a choice, it should be something they are required to do. Not by the government, or the law, but by themselves. How can anyone just walk away from their own child.

BTW - There are plenty of bad single moms out there, no reason to put men in the bad group and assume all single moms are trying so hard. The reality is there are just as many single moms who don't care. They may spend more time with their kids, but a lot of the time it's to collect the child support so they can fund their partying lifestyle.

Are you kidding ME? Where, exactly, did the author even begin to suggest that single parenthood is "always the woman's fault"? Your generalization that this situation is "sustained by men's inability to act selflessly" is a more offensive gender-biased statement than anything the author said. Your history indicates why you would make such man-hating overstatements. Not all men are like the sperm donor who sired your child. While it is certainly true that you did not stupidly have unprotected sex, you just stupidly chose the partner with whom to have sex.

Maybe it's time that both sexes realize the significance of recreational sexual contact and that maybe, just maybe, our grandparents, who were smart enough to get us to where we are, had the right idea when it came to waiting to have sex until in a committed relationship. This isn't a gender issue - it's a societal problem caused by a general decline in culpability fueled by withering moral values, a blossoming sense of entitlement to whatever feels good at the time and a decline in the value of education.

I cannot believe that she blames this whole "catastrophe" on women's inability to keep their legs closed......that is so offensive and wholly unfair. Don't men have as much responsibility to prevent procreation? Don't men have a responsibility to be around and make their children a priority just as the single mothers have to do?

Because it's our bodies, our choice! It really gets to me that some women preach they want control of their own lives.... And I agree! We SHOULD have the freedom to do what we feel is best for ourselves and our bodies. But freedom must ever be coupled with responsibility and some women don't seem to want that.

I am pro-choice... but the choice should begin before conception whenever possible.

But what about those singe moms that put their kids first? No welfare and hardworking. I choose to spend ALL of my off work time with my kids. ALL of it! Not because I can't find a babysitter, but because they are that important to me and this country. The only reason I'm on the computer now is because they're still sleep. LOL! I'm soooo happy for those that found wonderful stable and stable marriages. But that's just not on the books for some and it's not right for you to look down on those that are working hard to make their children's lives better, happier, and stable.

But what about those singe moms that put their kids first? What about them? You want a medal for doing what you are supposed to do? My children also come first... for me and my husband. Thankfully, since there are two of us, we can take turns... so that no one has to be completely self-sacrificing. Are you telling me that you wouldn't prefer that to how much you have to sacrifice now? Saying that children are better off in two parent, committed families is not a judgement on single parent families... it is a statement of fact. You are right... for many, that doesn't happen. And there are far too many brave women, like yourself, that have to go it alone.... and do a damn fine job of it as well. And saying that the situation is not ideal is not "looking down" on you... It is recognzing that your life.. and your child's... should be easier. And the time to start planning for the "ideal" is before you have ever removed your pants. ;-)

CEJ, I LOVE all of your posts...especially this one. You are one smart lady. Happy days planning the wedding with your daughter.

Happy days planning the wedding with your daughter.

Thanks so much.. I am certainly looking forward to it. :-)

Quit bashing the article, it's a good article. It's only fault is that it only tells half of a story. I may not understand all of this as well as you people do, but even I realize that most of the blame should be split 50/50. There are quite a few guys who do leave at the first sign of trouble. Like in sidrde's case, there was nothing she could do and it was completely the guy's fault. However, I still see cases where there's a divorce and the father wants to be involved but the mother is against it. I will say that there are more men that leave than women who kick men out, but it's completely insane to put all of the blame on just one gender. A large part of our society as a whole has moral issues. We like the "Live for the moment" philosophy, and until people grow up and be held responsible for their actions, I don't see this changing. I'm just 15 and don't completely understand each point of view on this, so I have no real ideas on how to fix the problem. Marriage isn't neccessarily the answer, but what can it hurt to give it a try (without rushing into it of course)? It's better than a relationship with no incentive to keep your partner around, right?

I have never been married, and my boyfriend has. I want my first time being married, to be my last. My parents got divorced when I was 8, and I turned out great. I have 4 parents who love me unconditionally, and I could not be happier with how my life is turning out thus far. I can't for see the future, so I cannot tell you if my boyfriend and I will be together forever or even if we are going to get married. What I can tell you is that we love each other, and love our unborn daughter unconditionally. There is nothing that is going to change that bond. If the love between us dies, the love we share for or daughter will always be there.

GrannyB2:

Just looking at this from a more practical POV:

Add to this the fact that if they do split, not having the benefit of a marriage contract will complicate the "who gets what" of the material aspects. Nobody will want to leave without the big screen TV or the side-by-side refrig and since neither community property nor marital property rules will hold up. The fights over things begins, hostility sets in, no one feels the outcome is fair and the child (children) have to suffer thru all of this. When you realize what goes on in even more amicable divorces, you have to understand that the ability to split at will presents it's own set of more unresolved problems.

That's easy. The guy gets the big screen TV, the girl gets the fridge.