While reading this recent installment of Dear Prudence, I couldn't help but feel sympathetic towards the mother of three (Brooding).

I myself have three small children but the comments aimed towards one of them are more often then not ignorant and hostile at times. She's going to be 5 this summer and is a high functioning autistic. She has problems communicating and throws temper tantrums when she gets too frustrated, or like any toddler, doesn't get her way - she has the mental development of a 2 year old. It's a frustrating endeavor to just take her out some days but I've learned which days are bad and which aren't though she still does have her "moments".

She's been the victim of snide comments, and cruel glances of which I truly wish I was just making up due to my own frustrations. Unfortunately, I'm not. I've ended up chastising people right there in public after having my sister lead my kids away. One time, I practically gave a lecture on autism in a food court because of an elderly couple that happened to step on my last nerve. Worse, I didn't even feel bad about embarrassing them in front of all those people. I do wonder sometimes if that makes me a bad person but I feel a constant need to defend my daughter. For her disability, she's very well behaved on good days, as are my other two.
She's an absolute sweetheart and I feel so bad that people would just rather assume she's a spoiled brat then a child with a developmental problem.

This ended up being longer then I thought it would be so I suppose I'll just end it on this note: For myself, my daughter and all those out there like us, please take a moment to observe before making comments. That frazzled mother might be on the verge of snapping, not because of her children but because of all those ignorant and unsympathetic people out there.

It's sad but true that people with "invisible" disabilities such as autism are often perceived as "bad" or "weird" by those around them. My son has Asperger's, and has overheard his share of cruel remarks about being "weird." My friend's daughter is in a wheelchair, and while people (usually) are understanding of her, they tend either to assume she can't do something that perhaps she can, or to leave her out of things because she makes them uncomfortable. For instance, her classmates in elementary school would talk about sleepovers to which she wasn't invited in front of her.

I learned quickly to ignore rude comments. If my son actually was behaving badly, either I'd take him out & discipline him (if I felt he could help it) or apologize to others if he was causing a disruption (if I felt he couldn't). If we were, for instance, at a movie and he had a "meltdown", I'd take him out. However, if we were at something like a grocery store, people have to eat, so I'd try to calm him down and at the same time, try to get the shopping done as quickly as possible.

There are those who would have perfectly typical, healthy, well-behaved children locked out of sight just for being children. Those same people don't want to see people with Down's Syndrome at restaurants, people in wheelchairs on hike & bike trails, or elderly people in line at the bank ahead of them.

All in all, take reasonable steps to keep your child from disrupting others, apologize when you can't, and ignore the jerks. A simple, "I'm sorry, but she's autistic" should suffice for all but the most cold-hearted. (But please try to make sure you encourage her to reach HER top level. Too many parents of kids with disabilities treat them like they are 100% incapable. Everyone needs to feel they've succeeded at something.)

Thank you. We've had those days of having to leave a movie early, or needing to leave the mall when she just can't be settled. I've said "I'm sorry, she's autistic" so many times I think I should just carry a voice recorder with me to play it back. I think that's the part that gets to me... the back to back to back to back apologizing while I'm trying to get out or calm her down. I've actually had someone tell me to "...just spank the brat and get it over with." That was the day I had my sister take all my kids to the car and laid into someone for the first time. She'd been a good girl all day and was just tired and had a little "melt down" as you've called it because she didn't want to leave the mall even though she was practically sleep walking. I kind of wish I'd handled it better... kind of... but I also enjoyed watching the shame come across the guys face as I told him off and explained things to him.

On a totally opposite note, though my daughter missed out on early intervention because of the waiting lists (that and she wasn't born with autistic quality's - thank you vaccines) she's now enrolled in one of our areas top schools for children with Autism and getting all the help she needs. I would love some day to see her able to live independently though I'm not living with rose colored glasses. I will gladly take care of her and get her everything she needs for the rest of her life, living with me or on her "own".

I'd meant to add, if you aren't in an autism support group, you need to be, at least while she's very young. You can discuss the pros and cons of trusts and guardianship and all kinds of things that you have to consider, even what dentists are good with autistic kids. We opted out of those legal things, because my son IS very intelligent, and luckily it turned out that we were correct and he didn't need them. You'll also have someone to vent to when people around you are jerks or the school gets stubborn about speech therapy or you simply are frustrated at dealing with her issues. Look for a good sibling support group, as well. Your other kids suffer by having an "embarassing" sister, and will wonder one day if their own kids will be like her.

"...that and she wasn't born with autistic quality's - thank you vaccines..."

Autistic qualities (no apostrophe) don't always manifest at birth. You need to quit pathetically groping for a "boogeyman" to blame, and figure out that EVERY SINGLE STUDY EVER DONE ON THIS SUBJECT HAS CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN VACCINES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH AUTISM, no matter what Teddy "Chappaquiddich" Kennedy's parasite moron son says.

The real reasons there's been an increase in diagnoses of autism are: improved screening; improved understanding of brain function/dysfunction; a broadening of the definition of autism/asperger's to include kids who five years ago would have been diagnosed "ADHD" or "ADD" or what-not; increased federal funding for schools which "norm" children diagnosed as "autistic" or "asperger's"; larger amounts of state money available for schools which "norm" children diagnosed as "autistic" or "asperger's"; greater amounts of grant money available for schools which "norm" children who are diagnosed as "autistic" or "asperger's"; etc.

I know it's terrible to have something like autism occur in your child, and I don't know the details of your situation. But I do want to encourage people to carefully research before they buy into the media scare re: vaccines and autism. There is no scientific evidence of a link, and there have been multiple studies over long periods of time. I think we all get a little complacent because we haven't seen first-hand for years in this country how horrible a case or even worse an outbreak of polio or measles can be. Millions of children have been saved from death, disability, or disfigurement by vaccines, and for that I will say thank you in earnest.

Actually, testing has been done and on my daughter it was the vaccines. We became suspicious when within hours of having her vaccinations she began to stumble and stopped speaking, her coordination became poor and she seemed to go "distant". We took her to the hospital where they said she suffered from heavy metal poisoning. After running down a whole ton of things that could have caused her reaction they came to the vaccines. She was above the curve prior to her reaction to the vaccines and now she's functioning at less then half her age.

The mercury that was being used in the preservative was a minute dosage IF children only get one shot per visit. But studies found that with the typical visitation at the 18 month stage a child can be exposed to up to and occasionally exceeding 36% of the federal legal limit of mercury. Some children experience only minor irritation and reactions while others... well others reacted like my daughter. I'm not saying all cases of autism are caused by vaccines. I'm not stupid tyvm, nor do I always search for a scapegoat. I've done my research and thanks to a recent court case win by parents of an autistic child you might be finding that there is some truth to it.
Not that it's ironic that since the introduction of this preservative in the mid 1980's that autism cases really began to rise even back then... before all this extra testing, which came about because they noticed a rise in autism. In 2002, they did another study showing the increase from 1:10,000 to 1:150 children, not only that but nations where autism was a minority who were importing our vaccines began to notice sudden drastic bouts of autism cases as well. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. The whole point is that pharmaceutical companies released a product with knowledge of possibly over dosing children with mercury to the market. And when it was banned, yes banned in 2006, they did not do a product recall but shipped it off to third world countries and just let doctor's offices use the remainder of the product on their shelves. Pharmaceutical companies don't just recall money making product unless they know that it's going to cost them in the courts.

And to add, I'm not against vaccinations, I was against the use of mercury in the preservative of the vaccinations, not that their new additive aluminum is much better. My children get their vaccines in single dosages not combined because they do not contain the persevatives. Granted, I do think in cases such as the chicken pox, flu and the soon to come rhino virus vaccines that we are over vaccinating ourselves. I had chicken pox as a child. I missed a week of school and got to eat ice cream every night. Yes, there are extreme cases like with every disease, but again... our testing and technology is much better then it was when we were all young.

Thimerisol has been banned since the 80s. It would be nice to be have something concrete to blame for this problem, but anyone who tells you that mercruy is the problem is either woefully misinformed, lying, or trying to take your money.

The simple fact is that thimerisol has NEVER been the problem. Since it has been banned, the occurence of autism disorders among children has either stayed the same or continued to increase at the same levels as before.

I doubt safe levels of aluminum have been established. There are many people allergic to aluminum. For instance, I can't use 99% of commercially available deodorants or antiperspirants, because the aluminum breaks me out.

My uncle was born around 1920. There were no childhood vaccines. Right on schedule, around 15 months, he went from a precocious child who could speak in sentences and even read many words, to mentally retarded in a matter of a few months. His brother (my father) appears to have Asperger's. A brother of mine is mentally retarded and possibly autistic. Another probably has Asperger's. My son has Asperger's, and a daughter has mild PDD.

While it's possible your child had an allergic reaction to the vaccine which may well have caused some serious issues, I believe autism is irrespective of vaccines. She may have had the reaction on top of her time-bomb of autism, or her reaction to whatever was in the vaccine may mimic autism. Autism typically appears around 15 months of age, which coincidentally is when the MMR is given.

It doesn't matter to you, of course, so much WHY she has it, as what to do with her NOW. She needs the same interventions for her disabilities, whatever their source.

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According to this, it appears aluminum in vaccines is not new, nor is it a preservative.

LMorrigan,
I'm sorry for your trouble. I don't have advice for you, just sympathy. My friend has an autistic nephew and we've taken him out and got strange looks and comments. I've told people to mind their own business, when they've made comments about Jarad's behavior. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that something is not quite right when they see a six year old (like Jarad) lie on the floor and kick his feet. I've told people, if they had half a brain they would see that he's developmentally challenged and to keep their comment to themselves. We are doing the best we can. People usually think we are the parents, because we don't bother explaining that this is my friend's nephew and we are just babysitting.

I think the problem is that most people don't know enough about behavioural disorders to be able to differentiate on sight between a child with a behavioural disorder and a child with parents who let them run wild.Not that that excuses making rude comments -- simply that I don't think most people think in terms of disorders when they see unruly children.

Mf's granddaughter is a case in point: there's nothing wrong with her except an apparent expectation on the part of her parents that she's going to learn courtesy and kindness by divine revelation. Imagine a rhino on steroids with a mouth like a sewer and a sense of entitlement the size of Mount Rushmore, and you've pretty much got their 8-year-old 'angel'. I think so many people are familiar with children like her that it doesn't even cross their minds that behavior resembling hers is anything but par for the course.

To be frank, the children I've met who have disorders tend to be considerably better-behaved than the majority of 'normal' children I've had the misfortune to meet. Possibly because their parents are sensitive to their ability to handle certain situations well, and when it becomes evident that they aren't handling a particular situation well, make an effort to help them be calm or remove them from the situation until they can calm themselves.

Children with disorders, especially sensory ones or inability to pick up on social cues, are often trained in a way that "typical" children are not. Stuff like, "Look at his face when you shake his hand, and then say thank you," or whatever.

Taking drama taught my daughter a lot of social skills she simply didn't have, because she saw the instructions on how to behave on-stage as simply part of acting, and then carried it over to the "real" world. My son, on the other hand, saw social skills class as an intrusion upon his life. However, he did thank me recently for having been hard on him and expecting him to reach his potential, as many of his former classmates are still dependent to an unreasonable degree upon their parents.

Some kids always will be because their disabilities are simply too great; but too many parents infantilize kids who are otherwise capable of taking care of themselves.

I sold kid's shoes at Dillard's for a while. Boy did I see the gamut of parenting abilities! One of my favorite stories was this three year old who was just being an absolute brat. She has wanted some pink shoes, but in the 30 seconds it took to get them from the back, she had decided that she wanted other ones. But the mom decided she would try those pink ones on. I started putting them on her and she just screamed bloody murder in my ear. I told her quietly and firmly that I was going to put these shoes on her no matter how much she screamed. She looked at me like I was insane. By the end of the visit, they were asking if I'd take her home for a week. Fat chance! I don't want your brat!

We also had lots of developmentally and physically disabled children. They weren't always fun, but the parents were generally the most sympathetic and understanding. I do have to say to the parents of special needs kids: please, please, please try to shop weekdays. Sales people generally want to give the service you need, but not if it means losing other sales. Most of the time other customers are understanding, but not always.