Oh seriously! I have been to umpteen showers, bridal, baby etc over the years and have MANY times been asked at the shower to address a provided envelope for the bride/mother. GOOD GRIEF! WHAT IS THE BIG F'ING DEAL????

I agree that asking you to provide your own postage and envelope is a little over the top, especially since thank you notes usually come with envelopes, so I'm not sure how having several mismatched size envelopes helps anyone, but SERIOUSLY. I doubt that many of us carry Emily Post around with us to insure that WE always adhere to required etiquette in everything we do in this day and age. Why can't you just be gracious and acknowledge the thought behind the hostess' request? I especially don't have a problem with this at baby showers since most first mothers are at best overwhelmed and at worst sleep deprived and hormone exhausted. Lighten up people...jeez!

Just because you have consented to this presumptuous request umpteenth times does not make it any any less presumptuous or acceptable in polite society.

Thank you for acknowledging that the request for envelopes and postage is over the top. Now, if you can acknowledge that, perhaps you can make the leap and also understand that the gift-givers are probably also mothers who work and are also sleep-deprived and hormone exhausted and yet they were able to shop for and wrap a gift and devote at least several hours to someone else's happiness. Surely, the recipient of said gift can manage a portion of same. (A bride or new mother usually has someone help her by addressing the envelopes. It takes 2 seconds for the bride or new mom to write a note that says "thank you for the (blank). I love you for thinking of us.") People don't expect much more of tired brides or moms. Besides, do you know that you have a full year in which to mail out thank you cards before it is considered in poor taste? The sooner the better, of course, but you get a full year to do the right thing.

You are correct; it is not necessary to carry one's copy of Emily Post "around" to know the correct thing to do in any given situation. Most people, such as myself, simply keep it on their bookshelf and refer to it as the need arises. Of course, I'm nutty enough to actually read the thing cover to cover (both the 1967 and 1988 version from Elizabeth Post) so I'm actually kind of an etiquette junkie. (I had a bad mom so I wanted the definitive version of how decent people should behave.) That's how I knew that this situation, although very and woefully common, it just isn't done.

As "matron of honor," I just hosted a bridal shower. The bride gave me (blank) thank you notes beforehand, and asked that I have the guests fill out their addresses at the shower. The other attendants and I didn't want to do this, but she did request it, so we compromised: after the shower, we wrote out the addresses on the envelopes and gave them to her, along with the list of who gave her what. (We had the list of invitees and their addresses already, since we sent out the invitations.)

I do agree that the bride should just do the addressing herself: it really doesn't take very much time. And I think it's super tacky to also ask for the envelopes to be pre-stamped. I also feel that engaged couples tend to stress about planning a wedding instead of confronting the realities of making a (supposedly) lifetime commitment. But, as one of the other attendants remarked on the day of the shower, "It's princess day today ..."

Wow! Corinne that was super-tactful of you and an outstanding example of what an honor attendant does. Great thinking on your part in an awkward situation!

For the bride to actually have these people's addresses and not address the envelopes herself (or at least enlist the aid of someone, like you did for her) is just plain lazy! In some circles, the offering to address envelopes is considered a "gift" to the new bride or mom. There's just no excuse!

You did a great thing for that bride! Nice Job! :)

If the person hosting the shower has your address to send you the invitation to the shower there is no need to have attendees provide addresses for the thank you notes. Those receiving gifts are expected to acknowledge them with a personal thank you note. Were I invited, the gift I brought would be a stationery set with one of the envelopes stamped and addressed (to me, of course) and a roll of stamps. I might even be inclined to use one of the pieces of stationery to write a brief note thanking myself for the thoughtful gift with a blank line drawn at the bottom for her signature and a post-it stuck next to it saying, "Just sign here and stuff in envelope provided, dear".

We are all often overwhelmed and ocassionally sleep deprived, and yet most of us still manage to find the 30 seconds or so it takes to thank those who bring us gifts. I'm fairly confident that the bride-to-be could find the time and energy to do so as well if she actually cared about such things as courtesy and good breeding.

...thank you...!

Thank you notes are pretty stupid to begin with. Just thank the person verbally when they give you the gift.

you've GOTTA be kidding me, right? a thank you in person is a given, but it shows good manners to thank with a note as well. what if a gift is mailed? you can't thank them in person! time zones make it difficult to call at the right time, and if you're a rushed bride/mom, it's also the LAST thing you want to do b/c that 1min phone call turns into a 2hr rehashing of what's been going on with you, them and everyone else on the planet since the last time you spoke/saw it each other. and in some cases, it's just akward b/c YOU may not know the person very well due to them being a distant relative, friend of your parents, etc. and in this day of email and IMing taking personal communication down a few MORE notches and being so instantenous that no one bothers to send mail other than junk or bills, there's nothing like a note in the mail to say thank you for whatever.

i had to plan my wedding in 6mons (husband is in the military, it was either THEN or.....and we couldn't live with or.....) and i was working and i had to do it pretty much ALONE (he was stationed 3000 miles away. not in a great position to help, and his parents were 5hrs drive away. not in a great position to help either. MY family was just plain busy with life. they DID help, but it would have been nice to have BOTH sides help, but i digress) but i still managed to send a thank you note out to EVERYONE who mailed me a gift within 2days of receiving said gift. the thank you notes for the gifts we got on our wedding day got sent out about 3mons later b/c i was moving to be with him and that was precedent to everything else. i REALLY wanted to send them out within a week as we had no traditional post reception honeymoon, but couldn't. and NO ONE got mad at me for it (take that etiquette!) and were shocked and surprised i got things out when i did due to the whole wedding/moving thing taking place within 9mons of my engagement. my friends got a good giggle over how long it took the thank you note to reach them according to the post mark b/c i was so far away. so if *I* can do it, then ANY bride can get off her duff and send a thank you note WITHOUT requring her guests to do MOST of the work for her.

it is the bride's, groom's and their families responsibility to get the correct names and addresses of their guests for any pre/post wedding event and for the wedding itself. if you got an email address, you can send a quick note out to ppl asking for their address. i don't know how tacky mass emails are for something like this, but they help. there are programs like Microsoft Access, and even those JUST FOR WEDDINGS that help you keep names and addresses in order and can even print lables for you so you don't have to write it out yourself. no hand cramps! pretty fonts and colors, too! what's NOT to love?! and the postage for MOST weddings isn't more then $100 bucks for a small wedding (200+). that's chump change compared to what else is spent for these shindigs. and dare i say it, all the invites and thank you notes will be the EASIEST thing you have to do for an event like this. it's not that damn hard! i had my princess of a day, i was also stressed, rushed, a bridezilla, confused, happy, sad, moody and everything else a bride can be, but you best believe momma didn't raise no ungrateful fool! i got my thank you notes out, and did it in record time considering. this hostest is doing the bride a disservice and so is ANYONE else who thinks this sort of NONSENSE is ok.

you want your day in the sun? get off your duff and EARN IT! i know that somewhere a 3rd grade english teacher is crying.......

Pogue Mahone:

Thank you notes are pretty stupid to begin with. Just thank the person verbally when they give you the gift.

I'm guessing you don't get a whole lot of presents during the holidays or for birthdays from people who don't actually live under the same roof with you...

Now you know why...

It seems pretty obvious to me that Pogue is a guy. I pretty much feel the same way, but the women in my life would never let me get away with a strictly verbal thank-you.

I honestly think that there are too many of these gift-giving occasions now. It has gotten completely out of hand. It seems like every time I turn around there is another ridiculous occasion that "requires" a gift.

I have seen people go through the whole wedding process with as many as ten different pre-parties along the way (each with their own gift registry). A "promise" party was the most idiotic so far. Mostly the same people are invited to all of them, and it becomes quite a burden. When it comes to this sort of situation I have to start wondering if I can afford to have these kind of people as friends.

I can understand the wedding gift. That is a huge commitment and congratulations are in order. I don't think all the pre-wedding parties should even require gifts since you are already expected to bring one for the wedding in the first place.

I'm sure there will be plenty of people to jump all over me and call me a cheap bastard, but I see too many houses being reposessed to care too much about that. I don't have a single friend that I consider worthy of risking my family's financial well-being over. Family comes first. If there's anything left.......we'll see.

Jaymz the Pooh:

I have seen people go through the whole wedding process with as many as ten different pre-parties along the way (each with their own gift registry). A "promise" party was the most idiotic so far. Mostly the same people are invited to all of them, and it becomes quite a burden. When it comes to this sort of situation I have to start wondering if I can afford to have these kind of people as friends.

The answer to that problem is to not attend, saving yourself the cost of the gifts. However, that is another issue altogether. The woman throwing ten different parties on her way to the altar, collecting booty at each one along the way still should have the grace and dignity to send a thank-you note to each of the invitees who, presumably, she would like to have give her no fewer than ten gifts to honor the sacred ocassion. I realize, of course, that she is probably exhausted and frazzled from planning her big day - not to mention from unwrapping ten gifts each from everyone she knows - but it is still the polite and decent thing to do.

I'll tell you why I think it DOES come across as a big deal to most people:

Bridal showers, and to an extent, weddings, are extremely self-centered occasions. You are basically asking numerous people to suddenly turn their own lives and finances upside down to celebrate YOUR relationship fortunes. This can be both financially and emotionally difficult for many people. Most people won't argue that a gift is certainly expected, and that's okay, but when on top of all that, you broadcast "I'm so busy enjoying MY blessings I can't even BOTHER to thank you for YOUR efforts to make me even HAPPIER!" do you honestly expect that to just be shrugged off? An effort to give a little something BACK in the form of a little bit of time to show you actually think of other people than yourself is certainly warranted, IMO.

i've read in different places that bringing a gift to the wedding is as tacky as putting registery cards in with the invites. sure, times have changed (hello personal wedding sites!), but if you want to follow decorum and not break the bank, don't bring a gift to the wedding. i think guys have it easier than women when it comes to these things. when was the last time you heard about a guy coming to a bridal shower?! i know there are "guy showers" and "coed showers" but most grooms would rather not. so all you fraternity brothers out there, count your blessings!

here's one way of tackling wedding season: buy the cheap st uff. seriously! almost every couple registers for small household stuff that they usually don't get b/c ppl are too busy trying to show them how good of friends/family they are and buying the $300 mixers. hello, i need a spatula to scrape the thing with! and there are couples who forget about the spatula b/c their too damned worried about the mixer! so buy cheap, buy small. and buy as soon as you can. that way you're not stuck trying to figure out how to give a gift (apparently, gift cards are tacky, too, and most ppl just can't bring themselves to give cash/checks even tho they are accepteable) and pay your bills. i also do a three party rule when it comes to these things as well. a gift for the bridal shower and that's only IF i go, the bachelorette party, again IF i go and the wedding itself. i always give a gift for the wedding b/c that's what it's about anyways! i try to send a gift if i'm invited, but can't make it, but due to getting married myself and moving, i've been too broke for all that lately. but i'll do it eventually! there's always anniversary's and christmas! heck, i used one of my gifts to buy a friend their's! thank you gift cards! heh. if i'm IN the wedding, they only get a wedding gift. any other gifts will be my "help" which MOST brides are VERY grateful for. and i even get thank you cards for it! :) hand written, too!

now, i DID go the pre-printed route for my thank you cards. they were very generic b/c i knew ppl would send gifts but not be able to come, or there would be ppl who would come to the wedding that i wouldn't know and they wouldn't bring a gift. they still deserve a thank you note. b/c of that, i didn't want something that was "wedding specific." even if they didn't bring a gift and i DID know them, there was still enough space in the card to write a lil note. "glad to have seen you." "hoped you had fun. i know i did!" etc. like i said, momma didn't raise no ungrateful fool!

that's juts my two cents for handling weddings. but ppl, we're just gonna have to deal with wedding fever for a while. there was a bit of a baby boom from 1980-85 and these kids are coming of age and getting married. not to mention the kids born in the 1970's who held off marriage for careers or baby boomers "doing it the second time around." maybe things will calm down. maybe they won't. but we could all use some advice or tricks on how to deal with the maddness. SASEs now withstanding. :p

It pains me that so many are going through hell because so few follow the basic rules of etiquette. They are not meant to bind people, but to ease people through social situations with the least amount of discomfort.

It is considered poor etiquette for a bridal or baby shower to be given by a member of the family. Most people are not aware of this, in fact, every shower I have attended has been hosted by the mother of the girl but it's actually considered in poor taste, according to Emily Post. This is why:

If a baby shower is given by the prospective grandmother (or aunt or sister, whatever) it is seen as money-grubbing and trawling for gifts for one's own family, which is seen as tacky. A prospective grandma hosting the event is seen as one step away from the mother hosting the shower herself (and I trust I don't have to tell you that that's a no-no, etiquette-wise.)

If a wedding shower is given by the bride's family it is seen as feathering the nest of one's own children to minimize or absolve oneself of the cost, which is also seen as tacky.

Showers are supposed to be hosted by a "close friend" of the honoree. This doesn't mean grandma/mom can't plan and execute the whole thing soup to nuts but the hostess of the event must not be a member of the family. The hostess sits down with the honoree and comes up with a guest list of people the honoree would like at the event. (This is where addresses are rounded up) * "Surprise" showers are discouraged and must be approached with caution. The honoree may not be as good "friends" with someone as the hostess believes, so it is always advisable and preferrable to consult the honoree.

Since, technically, the hostess is the one putting on the event (hosting, duh) and issuing the invitations, she is usually in charge of addressing and stamping the envelopes for the honoree and presenting them to her with a list of who gave what. This is part of her duties as hostess. The honoree takes the list and the envelopes, writes the thanks and they get mailed by either party.

It is considered in poor taste to have more than 2 showers for any event. According to my 1988 Elizabeth Post it is one shower but with the advent of equality it is considered acceptable now to have two bridal showers. Any woman throwing for herself (oh the horror!) multiple showers should receive a steady stream of "regretfully cannot attend" rsvps. Jaymz: you need not feel compelled to attend more than one shower for a couple. That's what "kind regrets" are for.

And, no it is not considered proper etiquette to bring a gift to the reception. Although everybody at every wedding I have ever been to has done this. One must send the gift prior to the event (or after the honeymoon, as a congratulatory gift). To bring a package to an event is making a presumption that there will be someone there to keep track of and transport your package that you failed to send in a timely manner. Back in the day, couples left the reception for the honeymoon right away. One must not assume that they can carry packages with them or have someone who can.

* The rationale behind the hostess sitting down with the honoree and making up the guest list is this: If the honoree doesn't have the guest's full and correct physical address then perhaps they are not close enough friends to warrant an invitation to the event! Sending mass e-mail invitations to people you know slightly on the chance they'll show up and give/send you a gift is tacky, tacky, tacky. It's my suspicion that this accounts for the increase of "please address your own envelope" requests; because the person giving the party barely knows you but invited you and 300 other email buddies anyway, hoping to get a gift from each of you. Ew!

Look, I don't like rules. Never have, probably never will. But even I can see that the reasoning behind our most commonly accepted sources of etiquette have been pretty damn well-thought out. There's a reason behind the rules which usually involves not offending another party. I don't care if you want to defy social convention every step of the way by inviting people you barely know to a dozen showers and then asking them to address their own thank-you cards but you have to be prepared to accept the consequences; people will find your behavior boorish, crass, selfish and thoughtless. And that's what the rules of etiquette seek to avoid.

wow, i just read all the posts, and i understand why men are avoiding marriage at numbers unheard of before...if this is an example of what you people do when its "princess day" can you imagine what life will be like with these people the rest of the time? marriage, a bad contract for men...