I find it odd that people get so offended about self-addressed envelopes, and that Prudie's response is to blame the self-involved bride. First, what is the big deal? If you don't want to bring an envelope, then maybe bring a little card with your name and address; unless of course you wish the bride to extract that information via esp. Second, Prudie's response might be appropriate if the bride were the person asking guests to bring a self addressed envelope, however, it is clear that there is a host other than the bride who is making this request. So, if you must make someone the object of your ire, make it the host.

These are guests at a wedding shower, which usually means they are people who will also be invited to the wedding. The bride should already know or be finding out the addresses of all of her wedding guests for the invitations. It is extremely lazy, cheap and rude to make wedding shower guests provide their own thank you envelopes (and POSTAGE - that's that kicker).

I hate wedding showers and usually don't go, but if I were asked to provide my own thank you card, filled out with my name and address, and supply the postage - my "gift" for the shower would be a gift card of an usual amount, like $4.23, with an explanation that it would have been $10 but I spent the other $5.77 on the thank you card and postage.

I have never seen this senario exactly but I did attend a wedding shower once, where instead of signing in on a book, you "signed in" by putting your name and address on envelopes that the host provided for you. I thougth that was a neat idea. But having to actually provide the envelope and stamp yourself, that's a little over the top.

The first poster indicated that it was the shower hostess who was asking for the SASEs, not the bride. If the bride didn't know that the hostess was doing this for the bride's conveniece (to aid her laziness and cheapskatery), the bride should figure it out at the shower and apologize profusely to all of the guests. The hostess isn't the one responsible for sending thank-yous, so this is all for the benefit of Bridezilla, who can buy her own damn stamps if she wants to fill her car full of new gifts from this shower.

When I got married my colleagues and mother-in-law threw me showers. I already felt vaguely uncomfortable having a party where the sole purpose was to give me gifts (haven't had that since my Bat Mitzvah 16 years ago!), and expressed those doubts, but was loudly overridden by pretty much everyone in my acquaintance. The parties were both wonderful and great opportunities to see all my friends and relatives together. I would have been utterly horrified if either of my hosts had had the bad taste to ask guests to address their own thank-you notes. I guess my point is, though, that I had little control over even the existence of the shower (yes, I could have cancelled it, but I apparently would have ruined everyone else's good time and been a party pooper!), let alone the arrangements for said shower. Don't necessarily blame the bride until you've checked to see if she's aware of the arrangement! ... We'll see what happens at my baby shower next Monday.... :-)

Don't most hosts send out invitations for showers? So someone already has the address. If not, they could ask for it via phone call, email, or however the person was invited. If the host wants to help the bride, SHE can fill out the envelopes herself.

What's the big deal? Here it is in a nutshell. You hare throwing a party, the main purpose of which is for people who you love and love you to bring you gifts ( in a series of gift-giving parties) to make your life a bit easier at this new begining. Nice right? Then you ask them to chip in and help you thank them for doing all this for you. Because you know, you are busy. What's the big deal?

By the way, shower hosts of the world...its not OK for you to hoist this tacky ingratitude on all of the gift givers to make nice with the bride. Sorry, but the bride has to actaully thank everyone herself. You can't do it for her, or make the gift-giving guests do it for her.

I've seen the self-addressed envelope tackiness in action, but the requiring it be stamped is a new low. I guess with the wedding, the bride can't afford a roll of stamps? I'd take the thrifty hint and make sure the shower gift was the last thing the bride got from me. These are tough economic times, you know.

mnwendy:

These are guests at a wedding shower, which usually means they are people who will also be invited to the wedding. The bride should already know or be finding out the addresses of all of her wedding guests for the invitations.

Not necessarily. When I got married, my M-I-L and GM-I-L decided to throw me a shower. I knew....3 people there, including my future in-laws. We were planning a very small wedding, and no one there who wasn't family was going to be invited. I would have been eternally grateful had someone made a list with people's addresses.

The SASE is just plain tacky and miserly, though.

People were invited to your wedding shower who weren't invited to your wedding? Was there some reason for that?

I'm willing to hope your in-laws meant well, but around here, that would be considered a seriously strange proceeding. If people aren't considered close enough to the bride and groom (or the family of one or the other) to be invited to the wedding, they aren't considered close enough to be invited to a wedding shower, either.

I think the big deal is that whatever the hostess does is assumed to reflect the wishes of the bride -- or at the very least, her knowledge of the bride. Asking the guests to provide self-addressed envelopes is an announcement that the bride wants them to bring gifts, but will not thank them unless it's made as effortless as possible. If this bride has any self-respect, the instant she finds out that her hostess is presenting her as too lazy to say 'thank you', she should explain to the hostess that she does indeed want to thank her guests, and then she should explain to the guests, each and every one, that the hostess was trying to be helpful, but got a wee touch carried away -- that she has never and will never find it too much work to thank her family/friends/well-wishers for their good wishes and generosity.

NTM that if someone is being invited to a bridal shower, they are presumably sufficiently familiar to the bride that she'd know their address or be able to find it out without undue difficulty: If Mrs. Smith is a friend of her MIL-to-be, then her MIL-to-be surely knows where Mrs. Smith hangs her hat. And the hostess could ask for the guest's address when she issued the invitation, whether that was by phone or by mail: she would then have an up-to-date list to give the bride.

Of course, maybe the bride's become such a self-involved drama queen that the hostess is enjoying presenting her as Lady Grabby de Mannerless -- and enjoying even more the thought that the bride still hasn't realized that she's the one who looks greedy, lazy, and far too immature for any gift more valuable than a dress for her Barbie.

Perhaps a useful gift for this bride would be a few boxes of cards that say "I'm getting married. I feel this entitles me to hit everyone within a hundred miles up for cash or gifts, preferably the expensive ones I've listed on my website or at gift registries. That I don't know you is beside the point: I am getting married, and that entitles me to dispense with both my sense and my manners. Please send your contribution to the following address. Do not expect any acknowledgement: I'm too busy staging this production, and the very fact that I've allowed you to contribute should be thanks enough for you." Then she can simply hand them out wherever she goes. With any luck, enough people will mistake her for someone they know and feel obligated to send something that she'll collect enough to cover her expenses. And no one will ever be able to say that she made any pretence of inviting her guests merely to have them share in a joyous occasion.

Come to think of it, she can get a version made up to pass out when it comes time to be looking for gifts for her new baby.

Yep, I found the whole stranger shower thing to be a little odd, too, and would much rather have not had one. Unfortunately, I had no input in the matter.

As the oldest children in both families, I think DH & I rather disappointed everyone with our low-key affair, which may or may not explain the in-laws shower.

tigerfly:

Not necessarily. When I got married, my M-I-L and GM-I-L decided to throw me a shower. I knew....3 people there, including my future in-laws.

Personally, I find inviting people to the shower of someone they don't know to be presumptuous. Why should I care if the niece of a coworker (for instance) is getting married? Or the 30-year old son of a friend, when I've never met the son, and we've rarely even mentioned him in conversation?

It's okay if they're inviting people who watched the bride or groom growing up, and who feel they know that person, even if the bride and groom don't really know them. A lot of my mother's cousins and friends, for instance, sent me wedding gifts - unbidden - when I got married the first time, because they knew so much about me from Mom. Many had seen watched me grow up and knew me by name, though I just knew them as "Mom's friends."

I know 2 dozen or more kids I'd give a wedding or graduation present to, who think they barely know me. I know their parents, and I've known the kids since they were small. But I don't know I'd feel comfortable playing 2 hours of "shower games" with them and other vague acquaintances.