Hard Copy

Whatever it is you want in a God, you probably want it in writing. In the form of stone tablets, sheets or scrolls of papyrus, illuminated vellum manuscripts, gold plates or cheap paperbacks, most religions can provide you with their histories and beliefs, their do's and don'ts.

If this were a buyers guide to cars or trucks, refrigerators or large-format high-definition televisions, that kind of documentation would be called the Owner's Manual. Hardly appropriate here, if not actually blasphemous. So, let's think of it as an Ownee's Manual.

As such, it should begin with the traditional warnings, safety precautions and disclaimers that we all expect.

Surprise, most don't. We've collected some from the prudent few that do and suggest that you consider them applicable to those that don't.

This book does not require electricity to operate. Do not attempt to plug it in to an electrical outlet. Do not attempt to connect any 120 volt cables to it.

Trying read book upside down like difficulty of worse fate.

Do not read this book while under the influence of alcoholic beverages or mind altering medications.

Some sections of this book may contains violence and deviate sexual behavior that may not be appropriate for children of any ages.

Despite the considerable bulk of this book do not utilize it to raise the height of any vehicle or part of a vehicle so you can crawl underneath it to perform maintenance.

Do not read this book in close proximity to any source of flame, including fire breathing dragons. The pages may contain paper which can burn at a very low temperature.

Much of the behavior in this book, while entirely suitable for the age in which it was written, may not be advisable in more enlightened times. Engaging in acts of prejudice towards people of other races, family groups, sexes or sexual orientations than your own may be dangerous, if not illegal, in your century.

This book is not intended as food. Do not eat this book unless specifically directed to do so by a qualified nutritionist or holistic healing professional.

Many of the words in this book contain multiple syllables and word forms that may soon become archaic. If you are not sure of their meaning, don't guess, you'll probably guess wrong.

Do not attempt to predict the future based on the events, narratives, fantasies or ravings described herein. If you do and your predictions happen to come true, you will have just been lucky.

Beware! Some of the individuals whose deeds and exploits are related in this book are based on actual people who lived actual lives. But many are not. Don't assume you can tell which are real and which are not.

Many of the words in this book were never meant to be taken literally. Don't assume that the poetic use of language was not invented until your lifetime. Days in the rear view mirror of time may be much longer than they appear.

This is your book. You may like it but don't force it down the throats of others.

You alone can decide what you expect from your Manual.

Many people will settle for nothing less than the absolute truth. For them, every word and phrase, every chapter and verse, every book and volume, must be comprehensively, unambiguously and unequivocally true, however they define true.

But, that inflexibility presents a number of challenges.

Let's say you are the author. Here is your assignment.

1. Describe the universe, how it came to be, how it will someday come not to be. Describe what happens after that.

Immediately, we have a big problem. We said the universe. Not a single planet, in a particular solar system, part of one of many galaxies.

2. Use language that everyone can understand.

A bigger problem. Unless every person or being on every planet speaks and understands the same language, which they don't, and uses that same language in the same way over all the days extending from the beginning of the universe to its end. And unless we can presume that the earliest inhabitants of the first populated place name can comprehend the same kind of complexity as anyone else, born wherever, whenever.

To take just one example, try explaining the theory of relativity to the early settlers of Samaria. Or, even more difficult, try explaining it to me.

3. Tell people what they must do to be good.

Good (The Early Days): Torture not your enemies when you defeat them. Rather kill them quickly and eat them. To waste food would be a sin.

Better (A Little Later): Eat not those you have defeated. Make slaves of them and the world will be better for their labor.

Better Still (Not Yet Though): Make love not war.

Tough assignment.

Still, you can see the advantages of a Perfect Book as opposed to a merely Good Book.