I am sorry to have to bother you, but after receiving no response from Santa -even after repeated attempts- and thereafter Jesus, who apparently snubbed all of my letters (not taking the time to respond even once), I felt it was necessary to forward my letter to you. Sorry to usurp your time.
I am writing to inform you of what I would like for Christmas. I know this is not your usual department, but due to the serious and urgent nature of my request, I was left with no other choice but to go directly over Santa's head. Now, if you'll allow me to continue, I will inform you of my wish list, brief as it may be:

All I want for Christmas is Santa's dismissal.
That's right, you heard me correctly, I would like you to fire Santa Claus and to nominate new candidates that will be elected by democratic means.
Santa is a longstanding dictator who exploits the socially marginalized for their low-cost labour. He is a slave driver whose infamous North Pole sweatshops employ these disadvantaged souls as carpenters -one of the most hazardous professions in the world.
He is at the head of a rogue state, which obeys no U.N. resolutions or sanctions. He has not once reported to the Security Council, and U.N. weapons inspectors have yet to examine how his massive heating system operates, which, based on satellite reports, may even be nuclear powered. He is a despotic and ruthless leader who will hesitate at nothing to cling to power. The opposition party, E.L.F.'s (Elevated Liberation Front) demonstrations and subsequent strikes were brutally suppressed by Santa's C.L.S. party (Communist League of Saints).
Santa is a notorious recluse. Santa cannot be found when needed. Is this anyway for a holder of public office to behave? Numerous clones of Santa have been sighted in densely populated metropolitan areas, but when will the real Santa present himself?
Santa has been travelling all over the globe, ignoring visa restrictions and violating trade embargoes. This year he is even expected to appear in Cuba.
Santa is severely overweight and overbearing -while forcing all of those poor reindeer (which, as you know, are all on the endangered species list) to drag him and over 50 Lbs. of cargo from house to house while the S.P.C.A. -the so-called protector of animal rights- remains silent.
Santa is a traitor. He knows no religious or diplomatic bounds. From his humble beginnings, he has now exploded onto the global scene and frequents citizens of countries that do not adhere to the teachings of Christ. He has even received petitions from all manner of savage children, including the children of countries such as Japan and even Korea. (So now you see why the situation is so serious, and why I am shocked that Jesus has not gotten back to me regarding this affair.)
Does Santa have any honour at all? What nationality does he profess to be? We need to see more transparency on the part of the North Pole. What about the vast oil reserves sitting under his factory that he refuses to share it with the poverty stricken, illiterate local population of retired E.L.F. party members, or his institution of the controversial "Gas for Toy Guns" program? Are we going to sit back and let this loose cannon ruin Christmas? I demand that a U.N. hearing be set for this evening before a five country panel at The Hague before this madman can do any more damage to our children.


Thank you,
Jeffrey Andreoni