I find today's letters boring, but the posters here astute, so I'm throwing out a question of my own. I'm asking not about my friend's marriage -- obviously, it's THEIR marriage -- but as to how I can be a good friend through the turmoil. I will try and keep this to the bare facts: My best friend of 16 years has been married for 10 years. We are all friends, and I used to socialize/vacation with them on a regular basis until distance and life changes reduced our contact to mostly phone calls, so I don't know as much as I wish I did. I understand they began having problems about 4 years ago, beginning with her medical issues that affected their sex life. She has told me since that there was an instance of "near-infidelity" at that time, and she also hinted that he becomes violent when he is drinking. But she became pregant during this rough time, and they stuck it out. But their marriage has never fully recovered, partially because he refused to see a counselor. They finally did, a couple times, and then he stopped going (he had a childhood full of counselors etc. and has no faith in them ) and also held it against her -- e.g., "I went for you, what more do you want?". Since the baby was born, he has been completely passive father. He would work all day, come home drunk, play video games in another room, and go to bed while she was putting the baby down. He refused to help with anything. Before the baby was born, he expressed fears about becoming his own father, a heavy drinker and distant father.... now, in his depressed and sulky moments, he seems to accept that he has! About six months ago, when the child was two, she had had enough -- he wouldn't stop drinking, see a counselor, or help out at all. So she went to stay at a relative's home an hour away, refusing to return until he addressed those issues. They've had regular contact throughout -- she brings the kid to visit, and stays there for short periods of time -- but he hasn't made any efforts, and still refuses to talk about her requests (except false promises about no alcohol in the house). And, on top of it all, she's been pregnant with their 2nd child through the whole separation. I think that was the clincher for her -- she simply couldn't go through his non-partnership with another child. But she also wants, above all, for their family to stay intact, and believed he felt the same way. Well, the other night he said something that just broke her, truly, for the first time. She is preparing for a home birth and wants to do it at the home they share. She asked him to buy a hose for this process and he turned on her and said, "I told you, I'm against this home birth, I don't want to know or hear anything about it, ever," and then, in response to her protestation, "...and you're STILL talking about it." He then left the room, and she was devastated. So, she posted her story online for the first time ever, seeking advice, and the overwhelming majority told her to leave him. This is something I've felt all along -- I know his insecurities/issues, and I grew up with an alcoholic father -- but I never dared say it cuz I knew she wanted it to work out. But now, with the validation of others, and further revelations about his violence when drinking, I'm thinking I should say "get the hell out" too?! Or what? Please advise!