And when he is straddling her, kissing her, is she pushing against him and begging him to stop? If so, that is one seriously messed up dude. If not, it isn't the same situation at all unless you complete dehumanize the person on the bottom - ie, her response doesn't change the situation a bit.

As a guy, I'm going to assume that you've never been held down against your will. It is awful. There is nothing like laying there and knowing you have no control over your own body, that you are dependent upon this other person's decency and the simple fact that they are restraining you means that they obviously lack that trait. You try more and more frantically to get away and he just effortlessly blocks you. Nothing too awful even has to happen for that feeling of powerlessness to eat into your soul.

After the ex and his holding me down against my will, for a while I couldn't even have sex while I was on the bottom because I'd freak out. So I'm really glad your wife decided it was all ok and you moved on to a happy marriage. But from somebody who's been on the other side of that equation - you abused her and that really isn't ok.