"And.... I'm assuming the "metaphor" just happens to be the parts that are awfully distasteful?"

Not really. There's nothing distasteful about the Song of Solomon, is there? And yet the whole poem is full of metaphor. I don't explain away supposedly distasteful parts of the Bible as metaphor, but I do recognize the fact that not all parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally. I guess you want me to say, "oh wow, you're right, if I can't accept every single thing in the Bible as being literal then I'll just have to throw it all out and become an atheist!" Which seems terribly simplistic to me, to throw out a real and vibrant faith and relationship with God just because I don't believe the world was literally created in 7 days.