What with Labor Day, this feels like Christmas on Wednesday, except without the pie! But that's okay because I actually have pie! Apple pie! Made with some of the early Gravenstein crop that has come in. And though it is not accessible at work, I know it's at home, waiting for me to eat it tonight. And eat it I will. Then will it feel like Christmas? No! Because it isn't dark at 3 p.m., so bonus! Right?
LW#1: "I consider myself a moral person." Well if that isn't a phrase that sets off the alarm bells. "My wife has a sister who ... seems happy." Two alarms. "My wife ... doesn't have the confidence to pull off 'sexy' like her sister." Three alarms! Vodka? Four alarms! "Paraded her body in a bikini" around you? FIVE ALARMS ARE GOING OFF! Tried to talk with wife, love her family life in that you love hanging around your SIL and her hubby and you're "not sure how to take" the idea that your SIL would not want to boink you.
And you and your wife had your first baby.*
Okay, I'm going to break down some reality for you. "Seems happy" = happy. "Paraded her body in a bikini" = she was wearing a bikini, but not necessarily to "parade" her body around for your benefit. Drinking vodka while your wife is around does not = wants to get you both inebriated enough to have an excuse to "do it." Those "glances" you catch may just be her catching your eye to share an eyeroll. After all, she seems to like you (though for what reason I am not sure).
Okay, here's part two of reality. You think your wife "doesn't have the confidence" to be sexy. Well, sheesh, build that up, dude! She just had a baby, I bet her body image is in the toilet. Also she has told you she really doubts her sister wants to get it on with you. That means, in the course of conversation with her sister, she has learned that her BIL has the capacity to produce the kinds of ground-moving sensations previously only thought to be possible along the San Andreas Fault. Also, he probably helps pick up and vaccuum and hey, he probably has a job, too. In which case, your SIL's marriage is almost assuredly quite happy.
Okay, so here we have some good news: The SIL likes you. But as a friend and BIL. You love your wife, and she loves you, and you have a kid. Reality is actually not so bad. In fact, this is pretty amazing. You are a very lucky guy.
But just as Sartre said in "Nausea," you have the capacity to screw this all up for yourself. You have felt in your bones (or -r), your capacity to annhilate your own happiness for the pursuit of that exhilirating feeling of self-destruction. Sartre used the example of looking over the lip of a cliff, and feeling the sudden urge (out of nowhere) to jump. The Greeks would have called this "Thanatos" i.e. the death wish, but that's a little heavy and doesn't take into account the sheer absurdity of wanting to ruin a good thing.
Instead of fantasizing about the sexiness of the completely screwing up your own family, much less dwelling on it and seeing "hidden signs" of interest from your SIL and tormenting your wife with your exploration of these feelings (which you both know acting on will only destroy your marriage) I hope you step outside yourself for a few minutes, consider the feelings as inappropriate, unhelpful and ultimately not worth your focus and effort. This project you are trying to set up for yourself — boning your SIL with no repercussions — is a non-starter.
If you cut off blood flow to a limb or appendage, it will die. If you quit ruminating on boinking the unboinkable, you will cut off its blood flow. If you ruminate on how dang lucky you are to have such a caring wife and a new baby, you may regrow some of the sense that seems to have left you.
*My fray friends, have you ever seen the site "Why the F*** did you have kids?" If not, Google it. Like right now. Unless you're at work.
LW#2: At first I was like, "Hey, that's me!" But then, I don't read at red lights. That's nuts.
If you are young enough to live with her, I would suggest saying, "You want to be left alone? Fine. I'll leave you alone. Call me when you're ready to be a mother again, I'll be out doing meth and getting pregnant by gangbangers."
But seriously, just go to the library and study. Don't actually act out. That way you can really have a good adult life as a corporate lawyer or something and can withhold your money and attention when she craves it most in her declining years. (Sarcasm, ppl!)
If you're an adult, I'd suggest quit calling and find your own life. Maybe drop her a letter (since she likes to read so much) saying, "I know you like reading better than communicating with people right now. But when you're ready to come up for air, please give me a call. I miss you."
And then go to the library and study. Or join a quilting bee or something.
Also, if mental illness is an issue in your family, you might want to talk to a doctor about this to get the kind of words and insight (and medication) it might take to get your mom to put down her Outlander series. Avoiding life on this sort of level seems ... not right.
No matter how crappy your life is, I am a big believer in each of us having the capacity to make it better, be it through reading, quilting bees, volunteering, getting a social thing going or just learning an instrument and playing it with others. You may want to point out the alternate methods of "escaping" her day to day life without compromising her relating to other human beings.
LW#3: Oh hells yeah, you got the powah! Powah! (cue C+C Music Factory). If you know for sure these two are getting it on, I would NOT tell the boss as that would make you look like the underhanded and conniving corporate rat you surely must be. Use your Machiavelli! Your Art of War! Your anonymous letter-writing skills!
Sheesh, if you're going to undermine your boss and "Beth" you may as well do it right.
But seriously, what they're doing is not right, and it is obviously influencing the environment when you're considering the path you're considering, which is both clumsy and won't get you what you want. ("Give me this position or I tell HR you're boinking Beth?" GIve me a break!)
Instead, I would have you consider your most socially skilled, ethical options. The ones that point out that there is malfeasance going on and that level the playing field for you AND "Steve." But the ones where you don't come out of it looking like an a-hole.
Besides, in this economy, it would suck to be fired for being an unethical underminer, wouldn't it? Hey, not getting the promotion is the tip of the mountain of shizz you might bring down on yourself.
Also: Special to Prudie: Wow! You have the sting of the asp in that advice! I likee!
LW#4: Can't you make your sandwiches at home? That would obviate the mustard molester altogether. And no, it won't make your sandwiches all soggy. I know from experience. And this is the least-confrontational answer I can come up with.
The second-least confrontational answer I can give you is put a sign on the fridge admonishing people to NOT EAT OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD without THEIR EXPRESS PERMISSION.
The third least-confrontational option I can think of is to put that sign ON your condiments.
After that, talking comes into play, and I think I can guess how you'd feel about that.
But if you decide to talk, the least confrontational conversation I can imagine is one where you ask the office manager to provide condiments to everyone from the office supplies budget.
