Dear Fraysters,

Like most of you, I felt confused by LW #2's belief that she could recover from her grandfather's abuse through "forgiveness." I was even more confused by the fact that her therapist, the authors of all those self-help books, and even many former abuse victims on the Fray advocated forgiveness (I wasn't confused by the pastor doing so, for reasons that are probably obvious). What do you accomplish by forgiving someone who hasn't even shown genuine contrition - leaving aside the issue of how you tell it's genuine anyway - after they've done something so horrible to you, especially when they might do it again to someone else? You don't become a survivor that way. You stay a victim.

But I've been thinking about it, and I sort of understand why many abuse victims choose to forgive instead of calling out the perpetrators and enablers of abuse. Make no mistake, I think calling out is still the right way to go: I just have a different perspective on forgiveness now. It's a long explanation. Please bear with me.

Abusers can't do what they do without making their victims feel helpless. In addition, the abuser often (maybe always?) makes the victim think that the abuse is his or her own fault. I admit I'm not clear on that: maybe the feeling of responsibility is a kind of aftereffect, something they get when they understand that what happened to them is wrong and they read between the lines, or hear outright, that other people can't understand why they didn't tell someone, or why they let themselves be treated that way.

In any case, they are left feeling helpless against the abuse and at the same time responsible for it, even long after the actual abuse has stopped. One would think that the next logical step is to reassert control by calling out one's abuser(s) and those who have enabled them. And some former victims do just that - good for them, I say. But as one Frayster commenting on LW #2's letter pointed out, it's extremely difficult to do that, because since it upsets the status quo in your family or community or what have you, everyone is going to do everything they can to make you be quiet so the unpleasantness can go away.

A lot of people don't have the inner strength to win a campaign against abusers and their enablers. If they try and fail - if they're convinced to sit down and shut up - then I bet they're left feeling even more helplessness and despair than they did before. I suspect that many abuse victims know that's a possible outcome: no wonder they're afraid of fighting.

Forgiving yourself and your abuser, though, does not upset the status quo that way. The people who are close to you and the abuser aren't so likely to fight you on it (maybe a couple of them will, but the majority won't). And in a sense, the ability to offer forgiveness is power, especially if you look at it from a Christian perspective. (Full disclosure: I'm Jewish.) If you feel that you can forgive the person who wronged you, then you feel that you have a kind of power over them, and over yourself. You prove that you are a better person than your abuser, and a more powerful person, by forgiving him.

It's not anything like justice and I still don't think it makes you a survivor. But maybe it makes you feel a little less screwed up inside. Maybe forgiveness can be a kind of interim stage between victim and survivor: it helps you recover enough that you can find your way to a position of true strength, and then call out your abuser, ignore the shushing of the enablers, cut off contact, take them to court, whatever.

I hope it's an interim stage, because it's not enough. If anything can be enough.

I've said my piece. I'd like to hear your thoughts.