My latest mental trick is to stare out my window at the cars passing by, watching the sun's glimmer reflect off various parts of the passing cars; in my grieved, childlike imagination I've hoped that, maybe, if I stare long enough that the light will somehow break apart like a big bang and reform the molecules that made up my cat. It's not as though I'm surprised this hasn't happened, yet it's disappointing when it doesn't work.

Before that trick I tried purchasing a lot of DVDs hoping that by immersing myself in fantasy and theatrics that maybe I'd get so lost that when I finally got found I'd find him lying in his favorite spot in my bedroom looking at me like he thought I'd lost my mind. In 4 months I've purchased over 100 new and used DVDs. CVC has $1.99 movies, some of them very good.

iTunes has made a bundle off of me. Never shop when you're grieving or starved. They saw me coming. I've tried to apply the same principle as I did with the cars; downloading music and reminiscing deeply while starting off into his photos, hoping for a star trek like trick to materialize his body back here.

Posting this sort of thing in BOF is = to declaring oneself insane, I know. I'm okay with that. There's more and I'd love to go on but he's not coming back no matter how sane or insane my reality is.

Ever.