"I think it's nuts to attack the one who feels betrayed by her partner seeking porn without prior discussion and agreement with her. "

Porn isn't a discussion. It should be a lie - that the wife understands and doesn't push. If she pushes on this topic, that is the definition of intrusive and demanding.

In this specific case, the wife's feeling is immaterial. She is projecting her own feelings about sexuality onto the man, and gratuitously expecting that he feels the same about it - when in fact men do NOT approach porn even remotely the same.

She feels like he's betraying her? How? This has zero basis in fact. Show the receipts for late-night hotel rooms rented. Show the meals paid for. Just because she FEELS something happened doesn't mean it actually did - and it's her job to maintain her emotional self-control, not his to randomly indulge her stupidity. Furthermore, he could simply have a higher drive than her even before the kid arrived.. what, exactly, do you think happened then? He didn't go to town?

Her "desire to be validated" by having a guy believe this trifling nonsense is precisely equal to HIS right to be respected. Unless, of course, the woman assumes the man doesn't have the right to control over his own body.