Come now, pampered Upper East Side foodies (or yuppies) can't help it. They only have Eli's and Whole Foods and half the Manhattan phone book worth of restaurants to satisfy their superior cravings. It is only when they stumble bleary eyed out of the epicenter of the universe, and into far away places like Maine, that they recognize the complex economics of the yuppie food chain.

There they are greeted by a new world of knowledge. Wild lobsters, for instance, are not native to fishtanks. They are born in the sea and live on sewage and dead fish, which is why tamalley, a yuppie delicacy, tastes like fish turd. This little yuppie would have done more research on the actual mechanics of plucking live lobsters out of the ocean, but it is difficult for pampered Upper East Side foodies to get out of bed when lobster fishermen do.

Interestingly, pampered Upper East Side foodies cannot
stray much beyond New England, where it is sometimes rustic (and not always in the shabby chic way) but where they can at least find safety among their yuppie brethren at the L.L. Bean flagship store. This is because Yuppies believe the earth drops off just west of Newark.

Bless this poor lost yuppie for his courage. Think how scary it must be for him, exploring new cultures that (GASP!) actually EAT at Red Lobster, or at least can locate one on a map, and know that a Quarter Pounder costs less than a $9 lobster. Or a $7 Lobster.

But just imagine how one brave little yuppie can change the world with such profound knowledge, like the first yuppie who discovered Oprah's Book Club, and delivered Pandora's box of hope to the rest of us.