While my choices were different when I was young, I can't condemn any person who wishes to avoid visiting. I can only recommend that they visit. It's hard, but watch the people around you and see how they deal with her-maybe you can learn some ways to provide comfort and support. Those skills will definitely be needed in the future.

I am 43-my grandfather died after a long bout with Alzheimer's back in the 70's, when there was no support for families. There were no financial resources and no specialized facilities then. So my Grandmother did the best she could, and we all helped.

The last time I visited him when he still had moments of lucidity was the worst day of my life-worse even than the day my father had his stroke. My grandfather spent most of the time crying and apologizing to us for what he was putting us through. It broke my heart, and I carry that pain to this day. Am I sorry I was there? No. But it was horrible. And when he finally left us mentally, I was glad for him, because it seemed like he was in a pleasant place. He spoke to his childhood pets and long-gone relatives, and seemed to be as happy as he could be at that point. It was hard on us for him to be there, but not for him. And my mourning was done long before he died-he truly had left us long before. The funeral was sad, but not terribly so, because the extended mourning period had reached its culmination.

I understand the thought of "It's not Grandma anymore," but I look at it more as "Grandma's already left us." I don't see it as an excuse to avoid visiting. I know it's hard to see, and I know that it's frustrating, and I know it's unfair that your loved one is going through this illness and that everyone has to deal with it. Sometimes we have to do things that are hard so that we will know how to deal with them when we are the only resource and we can't depend on our parents or siblings to do them. I can say that the experience both scarred me and prepared me for the future. I think that visiting and trying to bring comfort to a loved one who is undergoing this devastating transformation is something that can be almost unthinkably difficult, but in the end can make us both more appreciative of the loved ones still with us in all ways and better able to deal with the unavoidable sadnesses life deals us.