As I See It: "She's good with what? Continuing to dismiss her misuse of her child? Of course she is, she didn't acknowledge her brutality and lack of nurturing then and she's not changing her ways now. This has nothing to do with the mother's having forgiven the father for adultery. The issue here is Mommie Dearest's never having done ANYTHING to help her child cope with an emotional dilemma SHE herself created"

Quietwife: "Parents are people. They are imperfect and they make mistakes. The mother's position that this is in the past and a closed issue is clear. You are entitled to your position but frankly it does not seem to me to be a helpful one."

It's helpful to the LW, who might be reading this, to get validation that he/she has feelings about the subject that deserve acknowledgement. This individual has gone almost two decades without validation and doesn't need to read that his/her feelings of bitterness are "malicious" or "babyish."

Quietwife "For myself, I have come accept the imperfection of my parents, understand that they did the best they could at the time. The bad moments were not the whole story, they're part of the woof and weave of life. Anyone whose story is that bad is perfectly entitled to move on in life and limit/end their parental contact. I love my parent in spite of the bumps in the road. I love people and life in spite of it's imperfection and pain. What's the alternative?"

Bravo, so have I, but I also recognize that wounded individuals have to stumble through the path at their own pace, which is not helped by ridicule and diminishment. If the mother had written the letter, I would have advised her to address the issue openly and help the LW past the stumbling block AND I would have had respect for her. Purposely diminishing her adult-child to get out of discussing an unpleasant topic earns no respect.

Quietwife "The LW's emotional dilemma can only be solved by herself. (With appropriate help as/if required). An adult who continues to expect her mother to solve her problems is being a baby."

The LW is not expecting mother to "solve" the problem; merely to ACKNOWLEDGE the injury. It stings and reinforces the LW's perception that the LW's welfare is not important--if you don't get this feeling of self-worth fand importance from mother, you get it where you can, but mother is usually the source. Many wounded adults have to struggle with this and find alternative solutions. An acknoweledgment would speed recovery, but regardless this individual should be encouraged to seek professional therapy.

Personally, I would confront the mother and force a showdown--if not to get an apology, at least to unburden myself of the feeling of being played, open the festering would, cleanse it, and start the healing.(But then again, I've come to believe holding things in to preserve family secrets or avoid confrontations only makes the dynamic worse.) If the relationship is worth a damn, then both of us would work toward repairing it; otherwise I'd cut mother adrift. The LW, doubtless, isn't ready for this, and can only take it one step at a time...beginning with bolstering self-esteem.