glutton79:

Isonomist:

I guess my heart just went out to the woman because working through these deep-seated wounds is the hardest thing we do in life, and she is only now learning what a fucking bitch her mom really is. Harsh lesson to have to turn to Prudie for.

However, her mom went through arguably one of the most painful experiences a married person can go through, and while she certainly dealt with it in a less-than-stellar manner, her daughter seems to have no sympathy for her whatsoever. Several people have mentioned that her mom is probably still upset about the incident, and that's the most likely reason she doesn't want to talk about it. I guess it's hard to feel sympathetic for others when you're totally wrapped up in yourself though.

Both of the women in this situation would benefit from imagining themselves in the other's shoes. In fact, that's generally true of 90% of the people who write to Prudie.

Yes, the mother went through a difficult emotional experience, but she was an adult and a mother and should have looked out for her child's well-being a little more. Note that the FATHER, the one who was in the doghouse both for the abuse AND for being the impetus behind his wife's vindictiveness, had the grace to apologize to the child for something he didn't even do to her. Mother, on the other hand, chose not to nurture then and is STILL choosing not to nurture, failing in her role as parent to this very day. Understandably, it's not a pleasant subject for the mother, but a more humane response would have been, "I can't bring myself to discuss such a painful subject..." not an accusatory "get over it, I have." This mother is continuing to withhold nurturing rather than admit the transgression and THIS is at the core of the adult-childs bitterness "she's still not concerned about me." This long-term parental lack of concern has caused deep insecurity in the child the parent is responsible for molding into a secure adult.

"I guess it's hard to feel sympathetic for others when you're totally wrapped up in yourself though."

The LW has forgiven the father--showing the ability to distinguish between acts of transgression that had nothing to do with the LW and ongoing acts of dismissiveness. She shows maturity in seeing the difference. If mother had been a bit more nurturing (as father tried to be) I doubt this matter would have festered to this point.

The LW needs counseling, without a doubt, but the LW has also been aching for self-justification all these years, not petty revenge (a bit of empathy would be appropriate here). Keep in mind that this supposedly "self-absorbed" "overgrown child" hasn't transgressed against anyone yet (the LW merely asks whether to "not tell my siblings." The mother, on the other hand, has failed her on at least three occasions. My empathy for the mother would be greater if she could only see her adult-child's need and respond to it--as a mother.