MessyONE:

ONE comment. ONE, in her entire life does not entitle this overgrown baby to a lifetime of hatred and revenge against her mother. It doesn't even come close to qualifying, and I have a clinical child psychologist who's willing to back me up on that. Do you? Hell, I communicate with my own mother, and she stood by and let my father beat me to a bloody pulp for most of my childhood. Yes, a literal bloody pulp. We're talking untreated broken bones and internal injuries, as well as psychological abuse that would probably have made the likes of you commit suicide before your 21st birthday. Do not presume to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, little girl. You have no idea. If y'all had been reading my posts as you claim, then you'd know better than to talk to me about abuse.

It's not simply a matter of ONE comment, though, but a string of manipulations extended over nearly two decades, and it's unfair to refer to someone who is attempting to cope with this as an "overgrown baby." I've been reading this column for a while and haven't really felt motivated to post until now because I felt sympathy for the woman in her late twenties who is struggling with feelings that her mother "doesn't care about her welfare" getting responses from people on this forum that she's acting like a "big baby." Yes, she needs therapy to help her get over her anger, but she also needs validation that she really WAS abused, not more denial heaped on like rubbing salt in an old wound. There's nothing in her letter to indicate a "lifetime of revenge and hatred" toward her mother; merely that she has been frustrated in two attempts to unburden herself and wonders whether it's okay to discuss this with her adult siblings.

Second, like you, I too have cordial relations with my mother, having worked through my issues. Last year my sister and I both (from different states) had to take time off of work to make SIX trips to Florida to help her deal with issues surrounding my father's entering a nursing home. Recently we took a trip together and we all have a family trip scheduled to Europe next year. That being said, though, I definitely had to express my anger toward her (and my father) before I could normalize relations. I also had to learn to recognize and sidestep the old manipulations--which she still tries from time to time--and I have made it clear that contact will be on my terms (no weekly phone calls, visits only once or twice a year around holidays).

Forgiving for letting your mother stand by and watch your father beat you to a bloody pulp is not quite the same thing. She was not the actual perpetrator of the abuse (depending on how cowed she was by your father and whether or not she cheered on the sidelines) but definitely enabled it. You don't say how your relations are with your father, the perpetrator, I note. My mother had quite a temper and hit my sister and me with a high heeled shoe for getting rowdy on a car trip. I can more easily forgive these outbursts of temper, though, than passive-agressive manipulations and hat lasted YEARS and were more calculated.

I've noticed that when you're not sure about the strength of your argument you stoop to name-calling "Princess" "Little Girl" "Overgrown Baby"...Not the most charming habit.