myfranz:

The poster who called the mother's act child abuse is correct. The poster who believes it is not, is dead wrong. What the mother did is called parentification. Google it. I doubt this was a one time behavior it rarely is, it just takes different forms.

I, at one time worked as a nurse in the family shelter system, I saw more forms of child abuse than I want to remember. Welts, burns, concussions and broken bones are not the only way you can be abused. We all have different psyches, we hurt differently. Explain why one child or adult screams/"carries on" during vaccinations and another is calm? The pain response whether emotional or physical is different for all.

Why does one soldier come home from war "shell-shocked" and another, who saw the same things not?

It is pretty egotistical to expect others to feel the same as you when it comes to pain.

The poster who thinks he/she knows all about abuse, does not.

What Prudie failed to understand it that the writer is still being abused by mom (though probably not intentionally) when she rebuffs him.

The letter writer needs to work this out in therapy with a neutral party.

MyFranz gets it, having seen it repeatedly like a nurse. Others who have a huge blind spot and mistakenly think this is a vindictive child butting in on his/her parents' sex life have completely missed the mark.

This ceased to be about the parents' sex life when the mother vindictively--and manipulatively--involved her 10 year old child then subsequently forbade that child to ever discuss it again. Does anyone here doubt that that 10-year old fretted over this secret, not knowing how to handle it, for months before subduing the emotional upset? That kind of pent up strong emotion leaves a lasting impression. It isn't as if Mom had told her an ugly bit of gossip about a neighbor and then the child keeps harping about Mom having told her something ugly.

We do indeed have strong indication that Mom is a habitual manipulator. What was Mom's response when the adult child raised the issue (twice) more than a decade later? It was to blame the CHILD for still harboring feelings about the incident. She did a classic "attack is the best form of defense" to deflect a subject where she was clearly in the wrong. This is an effective "blame the victim" defense line. Mother knew exactly what she was doing when she chose this response rather than "I'm so sorry this has bothered you for so long." ...and for those of you who missed the point, mom was also being highly manipulative when she punished her cheating husband by humiliating him in front of his oldest child. This is not just a simple slip by a parent in distress, it strongly indicates a manipulative person.

It's not surprising then that this adult, conditioned at a very young age to be submissive, is having issues toward her mother (notice she has forgiven her father, who at least had the grace to admit he had transgressed and apologized to the child for causing the child pain). Undoubtedly this individual needs counseling to be able to stand up to her mother and exress herself. She has a right to tell her mother exactly how she feels about the position she had been put in for so many years as a child. The mother, of course, can rebuff her again, but putting her feelings down in a letter that her mother can either read or choose not to read would help.

A manipulative person who molds a child from a very young age can reap havoc on that child's self-confidence. It's way too easy to add to the adult child's feelings of frustration by continuing to casually dismiss the very real damage that was done.