...I learned from romantic literature. Some examples:

1. If a guy ravishes you against your struggles and protestations, it means you are meant to be together.*

2. Any bad habits (gambling, piracy, farting, rape) will be cured when you finally have your giant white wedding**. If that doesn't work, have a baby. A baby will make him love you FOREVER.

3. On your wedding night, when you finally consent to allow his throbbing purple-headed warrior into your deep velvet love well, you are guaranteed simultaneous orgasms.

4. You can tell he loves you because he is mean to you. That is like hitting someone with your lunchbox, in elementary school.

5. Filling your eyes with tears and letting your lower lip tremble will make a man do anything for you.

6. When you meet your soulmate***, you will know it because he will have no flaws and will obey your every wish.

7. You can if the man ravishing you is meant to be your one and only for ever and ever, because he is Fabio. I don't care if he is a Maori warrior, he still better be Fabio.****

8. If your current rapist is not Fabio, don't despair, sweetheart, someday your prince will come.

Freki

* You know you are enjoying it, you tramp

** During the wedding night, the bride implants a chip in under the skin of the groom. This causes him to cease all personality and bodily functions until he can be reprogrammed by the bride's mother.

*** Fabio.

**** Some exceptions may be made for rakish pirate captains who look like Johnny Depp, but with more muscles and a bigger chin. Like Fabio.