Your forgiveness for my tardiness I must ask for once again, my beloveds; Prudie's unexpected allusions to what the Hobo Bibo Sez cast me into the abyss of loathing and self-doubt, from which only the constant Love of God helped me survive.

Reading about her fondness for the Hobo Bibo, I was particularly disturbed by the implication that Prudie might be a Jewess, and would be thus doomed to eternal hellfire unless she casts off her Bageltries and accepts Lord Jebus as her personal savior - AND has at least two kids, so that as a woman, she might be saved according to 1st Timothy 2:15 (Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.)

So, grab onto Jebus, dear Prudie, and Bless You.

Anyway, on to the foul swill of this week's horrible harlots:

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my "friend with benefits" (FWB), who just bought a house that used to belong to a sweet old crone Biology Teacher who was righteously slain in her own kitchen for teaching the Lie of Evolution to my underage boyfriend, and thus, corrupting his faith and causing him to doubt my own faithfulness.

Why the hell would my FWB do that - buy an accursed manor? I mean, not only does my BF now suspect that my FWB is more than just a friend, but the spook of this demon teacher is now going to haunt us all!

How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, and bend everyone, including the spook, to my will?

Signed, Cheating Slut Seeking Spook Sponge

Dear Sponge -

I've got great news for you, you loose c#nt - I mean, yes, disembodied spirits like the soul of the evil dead Biology Prof love to enchant and seduce guys like your backdoor FWB, but a little Italian Salad Dressing will get rid of the problem - the Bibo Sez "When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, 'It is finished': and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost" (John 19:30).

And vinegar makes a great Douche, too, my dear, so that after a romp with your FWB, in no time at all you will be as fresh as the Virgin for your boy-toy.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my own brain.

You see, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder—prosuckfagnosia, also known as "gaydar bris blindness."

I'm a hot young thang, perky and bootilicious all at the same time, but all my life, I just thought I was a Fag Hag, since I always seem to wind up with gay Jewboys instead of the well-hung Schlong Rangers who would give my puddin' the poundin' I so desperately now need.

To get past this, I recently took a job in a huge law firm as the towel wench in their men's bathhouse, so that I could listen to their legal banter and practice picking out the straight prick lawyers from the gay prick lawyers, but now, for the life of me, I still can't distinguish between a REAL man and a Puff Piece in the whole damned place!

How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, and bend my brain to my will?

Signed,

This Philly Sausage Queen Needs Some!

Dear Queen -

First off, my dear, don't be worried that you are such a dumbass - the Bibo Sez that "All mankind is stupid, devoid of knowledge" (Jeremiah 51:17), so you are in good company.

Secondly, instead of just listening to these lawyers, you need to take a more hands on approach to the legal penises - the Bibo Sez "For it isn't the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law will be justified" (Romans 2:13).

Thirdly, to find a Straight Lawyer Boy, it will help if you seek only those who are CUT - the Bibo Sez: For indeed circumcision is of value if you practice the Law; but if you are a transgressor of the Law, your circumcision has become uncircumcision (Romans 2:25).

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my younger, smarter, thinner, hotter, meat-eating bitch of a sister named "Kitty".

I'm an accomplished Vegan physician who has saved the lives of hundreds of people, but I'm jealous and fearful that my superior kid-sister might join my profession and start saving lives as well, and cut into my franchise as God's Firstborn & Most Favored Sibling in the Family.

How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, and bend my sister to my will?

Signed,

Catty over Kitty!

Dear Catty -

While other FALSE PROPHETS might imPrudently point you to out-of-context Bibo Stories (like Joseph and his brothers, or Jacob and Esau), you should go directly to Genesis, Chapter 4, and read what the Bibo Sez.

It seems that the older Sibling, Cain, was a Vegan like you, and in his protein & vitamin B12-deprived state, he grew depraved, depressed and jealous over the tastier and healthier MEAT sacrifices that his more able sibling Abel made unto the Lord.

To get over these feelings, the Bibo Sez "Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him" (Genesis 4:8).

And thus, you should kill your sister, too.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my Guy for almost two years, who out of the blue told me he wanted to date other people.

That was cool with me, but I've had two monthly curses since then, and I needs me some spooge!

Signed, Crispy Crackly Crotch

Dear Crispy,

Oh, I am so sorry for you, sweetie. Come here, lie down across my loins, and let me spank a little of God's Love into you.

After two years of banging him fruitlessly, I'm guessing that your boyfriend has figured out that you are barren, and he is moving along to more fertile soil.

Now, now - don't cry.

This is all a part of God's Perfect Plan for your life - you see, the Bibo Sez that barrenness comes directly from God: "And [Hannah's] adversary also provoked her greatly, to make her fret, because the LORD had made her barren." (1st Samuel 1:6)

What you need to do is just leave it in Jebus's hands, and take a sip of this lovely beverage.

You see, for those who are hurting like you are, the Bibo Sez "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more" (Proverbs 31:6-7).

Now, let me just remove some of your clothing, and let's see what we can do about that barren womb of yours.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you and AMEN!