Dear Crabby,
My friend bought a house where the previous owner was horribly murdered. It makes me queasy that someone was gruesomely slaughtered there and the body wasn't found for days. And my boyfriend is creeped out too. I don't believe in ghosts, but how do I tell my friend that we'll never set foot in his house?
— "Eternal Darkness of the Spotless Mind"
Dear "The sick sense"
This is the plot of a Simpsons episode, where Marge sold Ned Flanders the home of a murder victim. It was resolved by the house being accidentally destroyed, which is not really an option for you (or is it?). Anyway, if you want to live your life on the same plane of awareness as cartoon episodes and superstitions, go ahead and insult your friend. I'm sure he'll have some snappy comeback, such as "you're too effing dumb to be my friend, you know?"
— Crabby, who refuses to read the Baltimore Sun because there are stories about murders in it, and they creep me out. In fact, the whole city creeps me out. But Crabby is not above violence herself, however.
Dear Crabby,
I've been diagnosed with prosopagnosia, also known as "face blindness." In my job as a temp secretary I meet new people all the time, but I can't remember their names. What can I say so that I don't seem like a doofus?
— "Face Off and On"
Dear "Gone with the Mind",
Well, you can't say "pro so pag no asia" (am i pronouncing that right?). You'll really seem like a doofus if you start bragging about your disability. I suggest that you use things like a person's gender, race, hair length/color etc as cues to who you're talking to. I don't want to seem unsympathetic, but you DID make it this far in life without claiming that you're sick, you know. And I assume that when you go to the movies you actually CAN tell the difference between Al Pacino and Marlon Brando in "The Godfather" (otherwise you've never understood what's going on). IMHO, there's very little upside to revealing one's mental illnesses. Play the hand you've been dealt, please.
— Crabby, who doesn't have tell people during our first meeting that I'm cold hearted and mean - they can figure that out on their pretty quick on their own, as i've learned
Dear Crabby,
I just turned 30, and my younger sister "kay-eat-eee" is in her late 20s. Since we were very young, I have felt inadequate compared  to her in terms of intelligence and looks. Plus mom always liked her best. Today, I'm a doctor but my kid sister wants to be one too. What should I do now?
— "The Other Sister" Dear "Unforgiving"
Let it go. I can assure you that you're not inferior to me, since you're a doctor. Stop worrying about your kid sister, and whether your mom liked her better. Live your own life, and if your sister wants to be a doctor too, that's great because there are a lot of sick people out there. You DID go into the profession to help people, right? So how will preventing your sister from being a doctor be helping people?
— Crabby, who worries more about idiots with superiority complexes than doctors with inferiority complexes. Like the president (for life?) of venezuela .. . .
Dear Crabby,
I've been doing it with this guy for 2 years, and he just told me he wants to do it with other people. I offered to keep doing it with him in the meantime, in hopes that he'll change his mind. But we haven't done it yet during the 2 months he's been doing it with other girls. So I guess my questions are: do I keep waiting for him to ask do it to me again? Do I have to ask him to do it to me? Or do I need to find someone else to do it with me?
— "Bad Night and Bad Luck"
Dear "Failure to Land",
If you want to ever do it again, you need to find someone new. And don't agree to do it with a guy who is doing it with other women. You can catch a disease that way. Plus, it spoils them.
— Crabby, who suspects you were absent during "girltalk 101" where everybody learns that when he says "i want to see other people" it really means "i don't want to see you, and i'm already seeing other people". either that or you're the dumber, less attractive sister.