I may have posted some of these before

Joke #1

***The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!***


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -
normally one club and two balls.


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the
hole and keep the balls out.


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
play begins.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as
necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is
complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire the entire course with
special attention to well formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they
have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the
course being played. Upset course owners have been known to
damage players equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their
own protection.


10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the
course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to
be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players
will find alternative means of play when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning
any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of,
alignment with, and approach to the hole.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at
the course owners request.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>­>>>>>>>>>­ Joke #1

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who
don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them
power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that
it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those
who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't
have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes
it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used
for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work
to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing
with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use
it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to
think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask
yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it
will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>­>>>>>>>>>­ MessageCHINESE PROVERBS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>­>>>>>> OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people in the same house remembering the same thing. APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. COMPREHENSION There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""­""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life." ~ Chinese Proverb >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>­>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>­

Sweet Revenge

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to grandma and said,
"I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Grandma smiled and then replied,
"I remember, I remembered."

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Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat,
I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness." //////////////////////////////­//////////////////////////////­///////////////////

Honeymoon

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

"What's this for?" she asked her husband.

"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."

"Save your money," she said.
"When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

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