Hopefully, there will be a follow up as to this story. It clearly shows that Dorothy was cognitive enough to make a statement for ALL TO SEE if her voice was not heard by boycotting the meals long enough to lose 21 pounds! It is common of many anorexics to begin their behavior of starvation, as means to communicate a pain they feel unable to express with words. (I have studied anorexia and ED for 10 years). Dorothy obviously made her point.
Does not everyone feel better whether it is the flu and fever, an accident with short hospital stay, or long-term critical illness such as cancer, when they feel loved and adored? With all the drugs, the various medical techniques, therapists, and daily "new findings and cures", when one gets to the very primal base of the human experience, love has always been one of the most healing forces!

There is obviously a difference between love and sexual behavior, but in Dorothy's behavior to stop eating, it shows that she was not just some elderly woman stimulated by a sexual act. If so, handing out sex toys to all men and women in nursing homes may well uplift some, but is it not love that actually reawakens the heart? Is it not love that gets ones "juices flowing", smile brighter and from within, and seems to make life that more "manageable"? It is not hard to recognize a person who's life has recently been introduced to a fresh romance!

A personal story, I had been taking my dog to the same groomer for over nine years. In those nine years, I do not believe I saw this older man smile once. People described him as "crotchety". He had zero tolerance for people, but seemed to be content socializing within the companionship of dogs he groomed. In nine years, I never knew anything about this man, and felt a strong boundary as to even ask about his personal life, dare he cut me from his client list as seen "prying".
The past two grooming sessions, in making the appointment, he seemed "less bothered" having to speak to me on the phone. When I said I was coming back into town, he remembered an old song from 50 years ago and sang through the two verses and chorus. Jokingly, I asked, "Are you drunk?", with a giggle. Back snapped the old personality I knew, and very seriously he reprimanded me for such an "off comment", that "he would not be drinking while at work". (I knew that, off course). But something was surely different!

When I brought my dog in, I noticed and mentioned that he looked good and had lost weight! He smiled and there was a glow to him. For the first time, I saw his eyes which were brilliant blue, and told him that he had really nice eyes! He thanked me and told me how he had ten more pounds to go after losing 50! That he has been really working on himself and looking into taking care of his skin after the weigh loss. When I came later to pick up my dog, we sat for at least an hour really talking. Not superficial chit-chat, but actually opening up and sharing both of our lives and common struggles we had gone through. It was refreshing! There is a sort of "liveliness" to one in a new romance, that literally makes them youthful again. I did not feel like I was speaking to someone, perhaps, 30 years my senior. At that moment, I felt no uncomfortable separation of generations, we were "on the same page".

As the clock neared 7pm, he said, "I've got to wrap up here". A bit used to "walking on eggshells" I worried this comment would seem prying, but I let it go anyway, "who's the hot date tonight?" His face lit up like I've never seen it. And if in nine years I could put my finger on the best gift this man ever gave in the years of grooming my dog, it was this moment when he went to explain how he had been seeing someone from his prior work. He went on to tell me details, and beamed as though love for and from this one person, had brought him back to all of human socialization. Most wonderful, he was a great guy! Something I always could tell in the way he cared for animals, so detail oriented, and with a patience and compassion few have these days. Love had literally put him back on a path toward health, and given others the chance to know an amazing person, I may never have had the chance to know anything about!

My personal feeling on Dorothy and "Bob's" story is that, to deny someone love, is like denying them all the other nourishments that human beings hunger for! But the story is not only talking about love, it is talking about sex, and sex between people with dementia or other mental illnesses.

There needs to be some law written as to sex with a mentally ill person. For if a person is mentally disabled, the law needs to make sure that these people are not being used or targeted by sexual predators. This, though, was not the case with Dorothy and Bob. If neither of them had living a living husband or wife, why not set appropriate guidelines, times, and places when they could "express" their love at the nursing home. Just like there is a time and place for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for church, for showering, make the same sort of guidelines.

I understand the son's fear of losing his financial share when his father passed. Perhaps people should go into detail, just as they do in documenting if they would like to be kept on life support or not, document how they would like their love, sex and marriage life and give power of attorney to make sure they are given these rights. Bob could have made clear that if he marries in his late years, that no change to the Will be made, and both live supported by their own means. Or, Bob and Dorothy could both have some money set aside, in the case they fall in love, marry again, and wish to use part of that money for the wedding, for nursing home expenses, or even surgery their mate may need. As long as things are clear, while the person is competent to write their own will and give power of attorney, it is really "their life" to make their decisions.

Of course this opens up a whole new field for more lawyers. Ugh. Having my fair share of attorneys in one life, I shudder to think of hiring another. (Which, wouldn't it be nice if there was a sort of insurance for attorneys to give EVERYONE the right to chose their lawyer, gaining a better chance at a fair trial; similar to the way there are health insurance programs which allow one to chose their doctor or hospital, when someone needs professional medical care! Attorney insurance! Just a tangent thought!) Also, many people do not like to think of aging, of preparing for death. Many people I have found do not have life insurance simply because they don't like to think about their own death. The story of Dorothy and Bob does open up a whole new field, and planning ones death does not make it happen any sooner, it makes it happen more gently, and with their rights protected and wishes carried out.

Final thoughts, as long as the two elderly people are widowed or single, as long as there is no force or indirect force (meaning they could lose their home, food, ways of surviving if mentally ill, and not consenting to a sex act to keep this support), as long as it is done in an appropriate place (not in the hallway with a pillow), what really is the harm? In fact, would it not increase their lives, and their enjoyment in those last years, and perhaps, better their health and longivity? Lastly, in Bob's son's concerns about his father having a heart attack during sex, as mentioned, it was a bit exaggerated a fear. Nevertheless, if it were a true concern, when the question came, "so.....how did he go", I would think it be on the higher rank of ways to go if his son were to answer, "my father died in the middle of having an orgasm". Let all of us, be that fortunate!
-Genevieve Gallen.