Similiar story to my wife "K"; While she was on her journey, another friend who has/had a similiar struggle recommended several books. Again, I am making generalizations, these books are christian faith based so the readership of Slate may not agree with them. One author I read was Anne Paulk. I know there are posts that put her down but I think what she has to say are similiar to what you discovered and experienced. 'K' never had/has a typical relationship with her mother. 'K' has become in the last few years 'girlie'. She never wore make-up, had almost no dresses, never even carried a purse. I never thought of her as butch. To me she was always beautiful with her dark brown hair, brown eyes and smooth skin (yes, I am biased). Later, I think she realized that a lot of women didn't like her because she was such a natural beauty. Yet, she still had an attraction and wanting approval from women. Sort of... "I hate women but I want to be with a woman." When she started wearing make-up and more feminine clothes, she felt like such a fake/poser. She is doing better and gaining more confidence. Back to the mother issue, her mother still says inappropriate things to her, such as telling her that her father would have adjusted better to having a retard daughter instead of a retarded son. Or, if she (her mother) had to do things over, she still would have sacrified her (K) to take care of retarded older brother. The message 'K' got was that the boy/male was more important than her. Sometimes, I feel like I am a cleaner because I have to be the one that has to be there to listened the crying, sobbing, etc. I was not equiped to deal with all this, but I dealt with. I learned to live with it and to equip myself to be there for her. Obviously, I am in therapy. One of the key tools, I learned was, 'don't give advice unless asked." It is hard being the guy, because we are hard-wired to fix things. My youngest says, 'my daddy fixes things.' But there are some things that daddy can't fix. He can only be there for momma when momma cries.