Dear Dick:

What's a Mother To Do???!!!...

My 21yo daughter won't leave my effin' house Dick. I'm a single Mom who's Hubby left me for a single Malt Whiskey -so I raised two girls solo... and THEY WON'T LEAVE!!!!! I'm too old for this shit, Dick.

So I caught the little deadbeat sneakin' in my nightstand last week...my Jack Rabbit was still slimy and a few oxycontin were missing when I came home from work. So Dick, I got pissed.

I wrote some fake letters from an "adoption" agency thinking the little useless snoop would go out searching for her REAL roots. Dumbass thinks she has a long lost Sister now!

So, here's my question - should I buy her a one way Grayhound ticket to Podunk or Butte to meet her "long lost Sister"?

- The World's Longest Umbilical Cord

Sweetheart,

I know it's been rough for you...but...you and your daughter need travel no further. Dick can meet all your needs. Did I tell you? Dick's Jack Rabbit has a special harmonica attachment.

So honey, the answer is simple. Don't waste your money on bus fare for your daughter - just rotate shifts. You come to the Noggin's Lair in the morning, and send that 21 yo sweet stuff over for dinner just after you go home at 5:00.

Dear Richard:

I'm 60, I'm healthy, wealthy, and wise... and I joined a community art class so I could meet some young dysfunctional snatch. Sure enough, first week I'm hooking up with this overweight, pimply-faced, low self-esteem 18yo tiger who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose! We're talkin' Tiger Woodies!

But her nosey big sister is coming from 3,000 miles away to butt her frigid ass shit into our love nest. How can I persuade this bitch that I'm not some sort of "predator".

- Humbert

First of all, let me thank you for your Service Sir! Few swinging Johnsons would dare to try poppin' this cherry...

That being said....we need to ask more from you...yes we need you to give Sir, for the only answer is......

Threesome.

Just mail in the bar code from your Viagra and we'll send you a $3 rebate...along with the Noggin's Lair trophy and our eternal respect and admiration.

Dear Mr. Noggin',

Me and my step brother and sister wannabe's are wondering why our Step Mom (wannabe) and Step Dad (wannabe) just don't come clean...why can't they just get married and start making the two backed beast??!!!???

Every time we have a dysfuntional "Brady Family" sleepover... these two are so frustrated that you could cut the sexual tension with a knife...and they tease each other Dick!!! They don't even sleep in the same room when were all together because they say "IT'S INAPPROPRIATE".

I'll tell you what's inappropriate Dick - these two selfish assholes using us kids as an excuse to play their commitment sex games.

So when we're old Dick, will we have to use this bullshit to get our rocks off too?

- Hoping they get married so we'll finally have health insurance

I fucking hope not Kiddo...and, I bet these new age moralistas think they're doing you a favor. What can Dick say, honey? Some people think sex is bad for kids (because they forget how the kids got here in the first place).

Dear Richard,

We are Birds, Dick - and our homosexual owners are playing at "roomate" lovers (and are using us as passive aggressive props in their domination sex games). Well, we don't wanna play Dick! We've tried shitting all over their apartment, but they still won't donate us to the ASPCA.

How can we get these two catty, chatty Nancy's to STFU?

You type very well for domesticated fowl, if I may say...

But, your pretty goddam uppity - be grateful you're not either canine or feline, or Dick would recommend you beasts as entree's at "The Emperor's China Bistro" you snotty little flying vermin.

And, be grateful you're not gerbils or meerkats either.

Now get the flock outta here!!!