As usual, I am a regular reader but seldom have had the 'courage' to respond. For background: heter male w/ 2 sons and a product of the 'sensitive male' upbringing during the 70s -- when I married my wife, 'K'. I was the rebound guy from her first serious girl/girl relationship; I knew going that she had 'tendencies' but she and were in love and we knew we were for each... move forward to 20 years into the marriage; she: possible post baby blues depression; me: struggling to be a freelance artist and turning to a 'internet porn addiction'; she: finds a sympathic lesbian co-worker (in a committed relationship) and that leads to my wife ready to run off w/ LCWIACR; long and short: a very bad experience for my wife - she is the other women and LCW's partner is angry at my wife. 'K' has had a lot of issues with abandonment, rejection, etc. As you two have said, there was a sense of lost femininity. 'K' said she likes the company of women but then hates it too. Her words, 'it was like I was trying to capture some of her womanlyness for myself." But in the end, 'K' did not want to have any connection with LCW. I know a lot of Slate readers loath most christian beliefs but for us, that was what kept us together. The church we were with was no help. We ended up joining another and it was that church that brought us together. Funny how this conversation has started because at this very moment, 'K' is considering leaving said church now. Not because she is having an affair but because she feels she has been lied to, by another woman! I'm not saying I am without blame. Friends and members of said church have blamed me for allowing her to stray so far! But, in my heart, I knew that nothing I could say or do would change what 'K' was going to do. I gave her room to leave or stay. Even if she had left, I told her I would take her back. As you said, your marriage is better now. We are working on our marriage as all marriages should be worked on daily. Does she still struggle? Oh, yes. It was easier for me to give up a fantasy sex life than for her to give up a real experience. Does she regret marrying me and having children? Probably but each day I give her a little more reason not to regret it. A lot of times I forget myself so that she feels more important and worthy. She returns the compliments - the most touching was during a crisis in her family that she told me, 'I could not imagine going through this with anyone else but you!" It still touches my heart to hear those words in my head. But to answer the original question of why - there are some things that a man cannot and can never give to a woman. She goes and seeks those things, (emotional, relational, etc.) Hopefully, she finds them in a appropriate manner, that is, not in an extra-marital affair. 'K' has found appropriate relationships with women, just not in a sexual way. When she needs 'girls night' I gladly cheer her on. It is scary for me though, if we do leave this current church, that she will lose her girl friends. It does take her a while to make friends. This is just my experience. I hope I have not made any sweeping generalizations. Just, I'm glad your marriage is stronger. Keep working at it and don't ever take each for granted. Build each other up by speaking positive words. Be accountable to each other - 'K' always checks in with me. I've never asked her to do it, but she always calls when she is away. I know she is doing that to keep the trust.

Blessings!!