...In which Schuyler The Cat is determined to explain that all of us, every one, are screwed, especially these boneheads...

Republican In The Closet - you said ""what can I do?"

Nothing! You're screwed. Why? 'Cause your a kid. All kids are screwed. This is typically because they're young and subsequently don't really know shit from Shinola. Your "party affiliation" is immaterial, Punky Brewster. Mommy and Daddy aren't being entirely fair, but hey: life ain't fair. Come back in 4-5 (or more) years, when you can vote.

*****

Jealous Fiancee - You said "One of the things I love most about the wonderful man I'm engaged to is his generosity and kindness to everyone he meets."

Listen up, Crackhead: you know why people say "I will be dreaming of you tonight?" NOT because the other party is cold and unresponsive. NOT because the other party is being straight and fair and "kind and generous." It's because the other party hasn't said "hey, now, this is damned inappropriate." So Wonder Boy there is likely doing 1 of 2 things:
- 1, he's preparing to give the old schwazoli heavy and wet to Madame Chemo on the not-so sly.
- 2, he's making her think he is.
Either way...not too kind and generous any more, eh? You're probably screwed. Put down the crack pipe, sober up, and join the rest of us here in realityland.

*****

Women's Rights - you said "Do I have a right to want the same pay as my classmate?"

Of course. But that's not the case. So what happened? Let's see. Maybe he gets more because he's better at it than you are. Maybe he gave the hiring manager a blow job. Maybe they're buddies.

Maybe it's because he's a male.

Who knows? When I was about ten goddamn years old I was hearing about pay disparities between men and women. That was in 19-goddamn-72. Things have certainly changed, but it ain't over yet is it, Gloria Allred? You're screwed.

Meanwhile...didn't you know that? Helllooo? Ever read a paper, a book, surf the internet, talk to someone, watch the news, leave the house? And you needed to write to Prudie to verify this widely-known fact that my six year old daughter probably knows about? Don't blame me: I demand my company pay my reports equally based on competency. I had four older sisters, used to beat the crap out of me. Still running scared.

Hmm. Maybe you make less because you're stupid! There you go.

*****

Almost an Alum - you said "how should I handle this clothing catastrophe?"

Um, this is a catastrophe? There are some-odd thousands of dead Chinese people buried under rubble, another many, many thousand Burmese folks floating face-down and bloated in brackish water, there's a bomb going off every ten goddamn seconds in some not-too-exotic Middle Eastern locale, and this is your idea of a catastrophe? You're definitely screwed...up. If she irritates you so much, say "no" and give the fucking clothes away. Then get the hell out of here before you poison the rest of us with your presence.

...And so, gentle readers, I will cease insulting these pour invented souls, all the better to repair to the living room and watch Charlie Brown Christmas with my son, who never likes that movie at Christmastime...