Please Mr. Noggin:

My daughter is in her late 30s and lives a day's drive away from me. She recently brought her two young children for a visit. Since her husband had to work, she brought along a single girlfriend. When they arrived, my daughter announced that she and her friend planned to go out partying on the nights they were here and to leave the children with me. I was disappointed not to see more of her but gladly took care of my grandchildren. My daughter and her friend stayed out very late barhopping and came home drunk both nights. Then they left the next day without saying goodbye. My daughter called to say she'd had so much fun that she and her friend were planning to come back with the children during the summer to do it again. I told my daughter that while I'm always happy to see her and the children, she should plan to stay in a hotel if she wants to party all night. My daughter hung up on me, then wrote me an e-mail saying she would not visit again and accusing me of being judgmental. If I'd behaved like my daughter, my mother would have set me straight quick; she called women who act the way my daughter did "sluts." In trying not to be judgmental like my mother, have I created a monster? What, if anything, should I do now to repair our relationship? I love my daughter and want to see my grandchildren.

—Sad and Perplexed

Hey Sweet Mama,

Let's cut the crap, honey. You're not sad or perplexed... you're jonesin' for Johnson too. And, the answer is simple. Next time your daughter brings her sweet ass friend to your place, hire a baby-sitter. The three of you can then boogie down to the Noggin's Lair where we're havin' a special on Long Island Ice Tea. We'll get 'our drunk on' at Dick's all ages party. Now Dick's done the mother/daughter thing, the bi-chick thing, and the three chick service slide, but Dick's never done all three at the same time. Thank you for your refreshing letter, now I know there are still mountains to climb! If you got the time, Dick's got the vodka and KY.

BTW....

When did 'slut' become a bad thing?

Dear Richard,
I'm a fortysomething mother of two. I live in the same town as my mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law. Every Mother's Day, my husband and I invite all three to go out for breakfast or dinner on us. My mother and grandmother always accept, and my mother-in-law always declines. My husband feels that we must go over to his mother's house. This is his idea, not hers. I don't want to go because her house smells of smoke, the kids have homework, and we see her frequently anyway. She always says she doesn't feel well, but she goes out other places, like to bingo or even out to dinner with my sister-in-law. She just doesn't feel like doing anything with us. My two sisters-in-law live in other towns and just send flowers and get to enjoy their Mother's Day. I think I should be able to relax on Mother's Day. Am I right that by asking her out, we have fulfilled our obligation to her?

—Wants the Day Off

Sweet Heart!

You need more than just getting a day off Doll, you need to get your rocks off - meet Dick's little buddy, the Jack Rabbit. It sounds like you didn't drop the kids with Grandma enough when you were in your 30's, so of course the hag doesn't want to drag the iron lung to Sunday Brunch.

Here's what you do, honeypot. Let your Hubby do his Mom's house with the kids. Invite your Ma and Grandma over for a very special kinda Adam and Eve 'tupperware party'. Call Dick 20 minutes before your old man splits with the rugrats, and I'll swing by with all my toys in the nick of time.

Now this just may be too high a mountain for Dick to climb, so please don't be offended if Dick only watches the cross generational quiver (and don't mind the camcorder girls).

Oh Hell! If any of you lovlies needs me, I'll be there. I can't help it - I care!!!

Help Me Dick!
I am a mother of three young children and have been married for 12 years. We have finally begun to enjoy some financial comfort after years of struggling and juggling bills. By reducing expenses and relocating for better job prospects, things are beginning to look up. However, these expense reductions have meant that I have "done without" many things for years. I haven't had a salon haircut in two years. Buying clothes for myself is a rare treat. Meanwhile, my husband had been wanting a dog "for the kids" for the past several years. I finally relented, and she is indeed a sweet dog, and the kids love her. My problem is that my husband takes the dog to a groomer. I was shocked to learn that it cost $60 for one session. I am feeling resentful that I have scrimped to get us back to a good credit rating only to have him drop $60 on this dog's appearance. When I expressed my shock, he seemed to think I was being unreasonable. Am I just being petty here?

—Hausfrau

How Ya' Doin', Nature Girl,

As Dick sees it, you've got two problems - the bitch and the dumb shit. Regarding the canine, Dick's said this before too many times - it's two words dear: CHINESE RESTAURANT.

As for Dumbshit, what he don't know won't hurt him. C'mon over to the Noggin's Lair Richard's House of Beauty Spa Treatment where you will be introduced to all kinds of sensuous oils. We even do facials! Dumbshit will think you got a real deal when you tell him you only spent $14 admission (Richard's Spa requires at least a 12 pack of Michelob upon entry).

I need your advice you old ASSHOLE!

and DON"T YOU DARE EMBARASS ME,
About every other week, all of my friends have little social gatherings, usually dinner and a movie. The school we all attend is very far away from where I live, and most of my friends live downtown. One friend lives down the road from me, so we carpool. His mom usually takes us, and my mom picks us up. The problem is, my mom tries to act like a friend of ours. She talks too much and is repetitive and thinks she's really funny. She's also very loud. When I've confronted her about this, she takes it personally and always uses the excuse that I'm "lucky to even get a ride" and that she is going to be herself if my friends are in her car or her house. When I have friends come over, I try to schedule it for when she will be gone, or we just hang out in my room. She always tries to talk to us. I keep trying to talk to her about it, but she takes it really personally. How can I change this?

—Annoyed Youth

Dammit Pippi.

As usual you are an obtuse, unmitigated pain in the ass!

Your Momma NEEDS TO MEET FREINDS HER OWN AGE - MEN FRIENDS. When she get's what she needs, she'll stop trying to jump your Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana train (She's only really hoping to meet the JV football team. anyway).

So here's $20 kiddo, tell Mom she can ride in the cab until you and your friends drop her at Mr. Dick's Book Club for 'Adult' Talk. Dick will make sure she has a 'ride home'.

Oh... and write back when your 19.

Video Chicks:

Ya' know, some people just are clueless ... and you're one of 'em Sweetie. Your Hubby's friend from work wants his side action and his old lady to be friends...(SCHWIIIING!).

Well Anita won't play ball unless you or your Hubby are pitchin' (I'm thinking it's you sweet stuff 'cause you seem wound REALLY TIGHT).

So if a clam dinner makes you queasy, don't be so goddam selfish. Tell your Hubby it's okay to pinch hit. Don't do it for him, do it for Anita.