The ultimate irony with my ex and his wearing me down to where I didn't believe that I deserved such a wonderful man was that in the end it made it easier to leave him. As he was wailing and yelling and swearing and threatening, I just kept reminding myself in my very muddled brain, "he deserves someone so much better than me, I must end it so he can find someone better!" I'd say that got me out, more than the realization that I would die if I didn't (die by my own hand as well, since I don't think he would have actually physically hurt me, to do that would have meant that he'd lost control).

The hard part was trying to convince people that I was not going to go back to him. That's when the muddled brain started to work itself out. Part of me was thinking "I don't deserve him" and part was thinking "why the hell are you thinking this?" The Lexapro helped A LOT. (And the thought that if I went back to him, he'd always lord it over me with how wonderful he was that he took me back - the thought of him saying that made me physically sick. Still does, actually. Ugh, acid reflux!)

Since I'm only just discovering that his behavior could qualify as abuse (or at least gain him a prominent position on the Asshole Squad), I don't particularly see myself a victim or a survivor. I've long since become accustomed to the idea that I was an idiot for staying with him for years and that I have learned a valuable lesson so that I won't do it again.

Re-reading this and pondering (over analyzing? maybe) the meaning of the word 'victim'. You can't be angry with victims, supposedly, because they're victims. I can see not being angry with someone who gets shot on accident because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time - to me that's a victim. Someone who gets sucked into a pattern of psychological abuse... I don't know. I was there, I did that, but because of that, I'd much rather continue to see myself as an idiot. I can get angry at idiots and I am angry at the younger me who fell into this stupid relationship. That anger reminds me to watch my back and not fall for it again.