Crap... I think I *was* abused in my last relationship. Over the years I have realized that he was amazingly passive aggressive. But I never really thought that it might qualify as abuse.

While we were married he slowly pulled down my self-esteem until I was so sure that I was not worthy of him that I came waaaaay too close to killing myself. (I'm still bitter about that. I consider myself a smart person, how the hell does a smart person fall for that?) Meanwhile my sister was busy getting the crap kicked out of her by her boyfriend and everyone I knew loved my ex, wouldn't hear a word against him, so how on earth can I say I was abused? I mean, he was so nice! He never hit me. He was so helpful! Look at all the things he did for me... I can't think of any of them, but he was always telling me he was doing wonderful things for me, so he must have, right?

I too thought that marriage was all about work, and so when I had to work hard to hold my temper when he did things that pissed me off, I thought I was doing the right thing. I also believed that you should be able to trust your partner, so I believed what he said. If he said I was being a complete bitch and unreasonable about his staying out drinking and using the money we'd put aside for groceries, well then I should take the time to go over our conversations and figure out what I had done wrong. (I was obviously eating too much and my grant money didn't cover it, so I got another job on top of full time grad work, despite that my grant strictly forbid it. Still was never able to balance the budget - I wonder where that money went?) [That last bit is obviously sarcasm, I know *exactly* where that money went.]

It was amazingly stupid, my behavior. I take full responsibility for falling into the sticky web he spun. But then I also take full responsibility for leaving too! When I said I was leaving, he cried and cried and when I wouldn't budge, he then got very very nasty. He never hit me or pushed me, because I think he knew that would send me packing, but he tried all of the emotional tricks he could. From threatening the pet (I brought the ferret home so that I would have someone for company and unconditional love) through guilt ("I won't be able to take care of him, but since you won't be able to since you're going to go live in the dorm... I guess he'll just starve to death" - I took the ferret to the dorm) to my personal favorite "no one will love you the way I do."

To which I replied, "THANK GOD!"

It took a long time for my family and friends to understand that the perfect marriage wasn't. I think some still wish I was with him, he was just "so nice, don't you know?"

Oh, but I am not so strong as I make out. After some time he contacted me with such nice e-mails, so caring and sensible, I began to talk to him. After all, I left him, wasn't he so nice to forgive me? But after a while they'd start to become manipulative again and I'd have to cut him off. Twice this happened before I wised up. I think part of it was that I didn't want to believe he was such an ass and I was such an idiot for marrying him. But, as it turns out, he is and I was and that's just how it is.

My fiancé was with me throughout much of this long drawn out process. He didn't like that I reconnected with my ex, but he seemed to understand that until I got it though my thick head that the ex was a complete and utter asshole, there was not much he could do but wait for the inevitable.

I haven't spoken to the ex in over a year and a half. But he is cyber stalking me. Setting up new email accounts every now and then to get around my heavily secured email account (no, I can't change it, it's my school/work email and they are not going to give me another one until I bring a court order). He's never abusive or threatening in these emails (hence no court order). Always, "oh, hi! It's been a long time since I've heard from you! How are you doing? Hope you are well, I am. [Insert news here.] Well, that's all for now, hope to hear from you soon. Love, Evil."

The moral of this story is that evil comes in all forms. And so does abuse. I am a little discomfited to think that I may have been in an abusive relationship, but I'll probably get over it. But being smart doesn't keep you from being abused no more than being rich makes you incapable of being scammed. Very few abusers start off by being jack asses, it builds slowly and irrevocably.