Dear apropos1;

Thank you for your perspective. It is valuable and frank and I can tell you are sincere.

I would like to ask you to read brownapril's comment above, and consider the vast difference in experience between a white American and a black American, especially those in the age groups of 40 and above.

Steven Covey, who I alluded to in my original post, asks us to "think outside our own autobiographies" when trying to listen without malice to someone with a different perspective. Since I don't know your whole story, I might change my view by hearing more.

But there is one thing we all know from studying very recent American history. Race issues are not going to be viewed the same by black and white until we move far beyond the current ways we talk about race.

For example, in many situations it is perfectly logical to to argue that "what is good for the goose is good for the gander." Thus, a recent immigrant who is exposed to discrimination, might be hope to have some compassion for another person experiencing the same treatment based on race, gender, or sexual orientation -- although their traditions make it very difficult to do so.

But in other situations, when individuals are "not similarly situated" in anyway (as whites and blacks are often not in this discussion) it is not instructive to ask as you -- how would a black citizen feel if we switched the racial reference and described someone as a 'typical black person.'" The two speakers are probably not similarly situated and probably have quite different perspectives. To understand this, we need to know the experience of the speakers and the context of their words.

For example, I might in a very loving way refer to my own mother as a typical Italian-American, meaning she is not unusual in some way that is relevant to the discussion at hand. Then I might say, "my mother is not offended by the "Sopranos," she gets a kick out of it." This, I would venture, would not offend many Italian-Americans unless they placed an interpretation on it that was not intended or foreseeable.

A closer example is the mixed-race American saying in a loving way that his white grandmother mother was raised in a "typical white American family" -- meaning that she did not have the typical black experience in America. He might sya she is "typical" of white Americans. If that mixed-race person were to add: "even she, who I love and respect, harbored some racial fears and prejudices (a fact she confided in me) -- and she loved me more than anything in the world)"-- it is difficult with an open mind to find a racial, anti-white slight in those words. It is instead a statement affirming that we all, from reverend Wright to his loving grandmother, all have some racial progress to make.

This was the essential message of Obama's remark about his grandmother. Yet you heard a racial stereotype, the opposite of what I heard. Only by trying to hear those words "outside your own autobiography" can you grow to appreciate the power and sincerity of his story rather than finding offense in it.

Talking about race is hard. Obama has expressed a hope that we will be strong enough and compassionate enough to do it. You sound like a smart, analytical person who can at least process your feelings through a disciplined process of "active listening." The steps are to listen and paraphrase the other person's words in a generous and empathetic way, and to give the other person the full benefit of the doubt.

Many people will not be ready to engage you in this respectful conversation. Heaven knows I have been rebuffed many times by folks on both sides of the racial divide in my attempts faciliate discussion. But don't give up. You and I can hold ourselves to a standard that insists on a good faith, loving appreciation for the other person's perspective and experience.

In conclusion, when it comes to race, try to appreciate the vast chasm of experience and memory that a black American brings to this discussion. I think you will see that Barack Obama is one example of a very respectful communicator who is at least trying to bridge, rather exacerbate that chasm.

Thanks again for your thoughtful comment.

John Adkisson