I am going to wholeheartedly disagree with Prudie's advice here. DO NOT tell him you are virgin, except for after the fact. Go, read the Dummie's book on sex, ask your girlfriends how to do it, whatever, but if you tell him you are a virgin I can all but guarantee he will run for the hills.

Taking a girl's virginity is serious responsibility as women (and men) invariably have a heavy emotional response to the act. It is often painful and very often creates a permanent emotional bond in the woman's mind with that man. And here's the kicker: Men know this. And here's where things get tricky. If the guy is not interested in being with you forever (odds are) then it is scary to be the one who will forever be your first.

My advice? If he asks you how many partners you've had, tell him you're "not very experienced" or that ladies "never kiss and tell" not mentioning the not-kissing-in-the-first-place part. Then do it and get it out of the way. Then, my dear, you will be free.

-Super90

OK, now granted, I'm past the age of deflowering any girls (unless a 28 year-old virgin gets thrown in the mix somehow! LOL)

But I think you're wrong about how guys would approach this. For example, I only learned of the permanent bond thing for women...right now! I think most guys would jump at the chance to sleep with a virgin. In fact, I'm almost positive any healthy would. It has nothing to do with bonding. It has to do with being first in line!

It's my understanding from the people I went to high school with, that black men typically do not want a virgin, because of the, um, mess involved. Maybe that just in the area I'm from that they feel that way.

eom

Dammit, I hate how you have to fill in a message now :)

Perhaps you're right. I guess many guys would jump at the chance to sleep with a virgin. It is an ideal for many men. Ideals, however, rarely have anything to do with reality. Whatever, I can only speak from personal experience and in my experience, those girls whose virginity I took (there were 2) both became overly attached to and idealized me. Both times when I had to break up with them, it was like, a soul crushing experience, which is not to say that they weren't strong and didn't recover, of course they did, but this became something I never wanted to repeat.

What I'm saying is, it seems that for a woman, having sex for the first time with a man is the ultimate in intimacy. It's a very powerful bonding experience for a woman, something akin to the Stockholm syndrome or capture bonding. Or, when I had nipple pierced, afterwards I felt a deep friendship with the dude who performed the piercing. He was my first and I'll never forget him. Do you see what I'm driving at here? Taking a girl's (or, in this case, woman's) virginity is a big responsibility, and while for the guy it might be "just sex", often times (but not always, again, I'm generalizing) for the woman it's way more than that and that "way more" becomes his responsibilty. Unless, of course, he's a complete jerk.

Either way, if offered again, I would say no, unless I really, really liked her and trusted myself to do right by her.

modern male! I am too in a lot of ways. I've always tried to make my dealings with the fair sex honest (not sure if there's anything "modern" about that). And I have. It was easy in high school to just bang friends and not get deep in the relationship business. Not to say that there was never drama. I don't think I was ever in the situation you described though.

I totally agree with you about breaking hearts. I did that to a girl once and swore I would never do it again. And I haven't.

Could it have been an age thing? If either or both of you were teenagers at the time, then the whole "horomones/emotion" thing might have been pretty exaggerated.

I never could see the big deal about it anyway (and I'm the girl!).

>;-D

Mark me down as a man who would be wary of virgins. Not only do I want a partner who knows what she is doing, but the fear that she would become overly attached is very real. Hell, if she has been waiting THAT long then there is alot of pressure on the guy to come through!

a lot of this comes down to looks! There's a big, huge difference between a hot 28 year-old virgin and a not-hot one. ha! I think that's a bigger factor than the virginity. I would expect a hot 28 year-old virgin to be able to bend spoons with her mind or levitate or something, you know?!

And obviously I'm fantasizing. The girl in the letter could be unattractive, and then that's a whole other issue. What I'm picturing is a hot 28 year-old virgin waiting for the right man-- e.g. me. ha!

I agree with you to an extent that it's a little strange. But appearance I think would make it either a whole lot more or whole lot less strange.

You "took" their virginity? Did you drug them? What did you do with it after you"took" it? Consider that maybe you didn't take anything, maybe they just used your penis to get started?

Inexperience is a temporary state of being not a commodity. If your relationships didn't work out well it probably was for other reasons.

My money is on a 28 year old virgin being clingy with her first. (Or his first, for that matter...)

If you've waited that long - you're probably going to want it to mean something significant. Otherwise - you'll realize you wasted some prime sexing years by attaching too much meaning to something that can be just for fun...

(For the record - I don't think taking a girl's viriginity is a huge responsibility for a guy. Sex is an adult activity - so you should treat your sexual partners as adults.)

She has missed out on at least 10 years of great sex, by the time she finally gets around to it, her peak time will be over.

Well at least you had the decency to caveat your answer. Personally I don't jump at the chance of deflowering girls/women whatever they call themselves at age 20 - 30. It can be a traumatic event for her, it also tells me that she isn't experienced and therefore will be a terrible lay and unlikely to last very long.

hmm, what can i say... i'm glad they published this, b/c it give me a chance to out myself as a fellow "never-been-kissed-er"

i personally am more nervous about not having been kissed than i am about losing my virginity. honestly i just want that gone and done with. unfortunately for me, when there were willing men i wasn't ready, and about a year later in college when i was, there were NO normal dudes to be had. *sigh* so what's a girl to do? but i don't have a huge emotional attachment to my hymen...i just can't up and sleep with the next guy who offers, virgin or NOT.

i will say that i thought it was good advice to NOT tell the guy about her virginity, not b/c it will make him run for the hills (can't speak from my own experience here, as i NEVER bring it up) but because you turn into a strange, almost alien-like creature, that's if he even BELIEVES you in the first place (as if anyone would lie about that!!)