It's fascinating how certain letters become virtual Rohrshach tests, with everyone revealing their prejudices and projecting more than the guy who owns the local multiplex. "Sure, he/she says X, but they really mean Y! I've been through this, too! Bastard! Bitch! Republican!"

There's no doubt the guy is being a jerk, especially with his threat to dial up the denizens of his own Little Black Book. (This was more likely a reaction born of anger and defensiveness than actual threat, but still.) News flash: your sweetie is going to come in contact with other men, in myriad ways, usually innocent. (And if they're not completely innocent, doesn't she have a head on her shoulders? She's engaged to you, right?)

But. An ex-lover (however brief the assignation) is different. Sleeping with someone changes the playing field -- yes, really, even in our 21st Century, post-modern, post-feminist, politically correct world, where God forbid anyone ever show signs of jealousy or possessiveness, or indeed any emotion at all. We're all too evolved for that nonsense, aren't we? Hell, everyone's sampled everybody's else's private parts in the Brave New World, so get with it, Grandpa!

The fact is, when you're committed to someone, you simply don't put yourself in situations when you're hanging out with people who have seen you naked. Period. And indeed, why would you? There are some 300 million people in America; if Jose needs someone to, um, navigate the country with, let him pick someone who he hasn't had sex with, someone without a jealous (future) spouse. It's called common courtesy, people. Is it really such an alien concept? Why wave a red flag in front of angry bull when you don't have to? To prove that you can? Geez.

Yes, the guy could use some therapy. Talk to him, and remind him that you love him and want to be his wife. And keep away from guys who've been south of your border.

RMc2009:

even in our 21st Century, post-modern, post-feminist, politically correct world, where God forbid anyone ever show signs of jealousy or possessiveness, or indeed any emotion at all. We're all too evolved for that nonsense, aren't we? Hell, everyone's sampled everybody's else's private parts in the Brave New World, so get with it, Grandpa!

I've seen this said a couple times now so know I'm tackling the general concept rather than you specifically. It isn't that we are too evolved to feel the ugly emotions. It is that we've evolved enough that we do not need to be mindless puppets to our emotions. Of course most everybody feels jealously and everybody feels something ugly. That doesn't mean that the people we care about need to be beaten about the head and shoulders with the ugly though - we are too evolved for that.

That doesn't mean that the people we care about need to be beaten about the head and shoulders with the ugly though - we are too evolved for that.

Indeed...and insisting on hanging out with a former lover, even when your fiance is uncomfortable with it, is pretty ugly. Why shove the ex-flame into the face of the man you supposedly love and want to marry? Why?

RMc2009:

The fact is, when you're committed to someone, you simply don't put yourself in situations when you're hanging out with people who have seen you naked.

Well there goes my social life. Could you've had at least told me this prior to joining the nudist camp?

RMc2009:

Period. And indeed, why would you?

People end up in social situations with their exes for a variety of reasons, for instance if they have children together they will inevitable have to spend some time interacting. If they are both part of the same social circle. And so on. It's really not a big deal.

RMc2009:

There are some 300 million people in America; if Jose needs someone to, um, navigate the country with, let him pick someone who he hasn't had sex with, someone without a jealous (future) spouse.

However he doesn't *know* the other 300 million people....

RMc2009:

It's called common courtesy, people. Is it really such an alien concept? Why wave a red flag in front of angry bull when you don't have to? To prove that you can? Geez.

We're not talking about a bull. We're talking about a person. And a person should be able think a bit rationally about things and not just go charging off with his head down.

there's a lot to be said about courtesy. I think the people who make the biggest deals about boundaries and control issues have probably been taken advantage of at some point. That's fine-- I get that. But if you have to dig in your heels constantly, don't you have to ask why you're even with that someone? And if you choose to be someone, then you have to give, because whether you're talking about a relationship or society, others are involved.

People end up in social situations with their exes for a variety of reasons, for instance if they have children together they will inevitable have to spend some time interacting. If they are both part of the same social circle.

Doesn't look like any of those apply here. He's an ex-lover of his fiance suddenly dropping in and wanting to be shown around. Even if it's entirely innocent, it's kinda rude.

And so on. It's really not a big deal.

To you, maybe.

We're not talking about a bull. We're talking about a person. And a person should be able think a bit rationally about things and not just go charging off with his head down.

He slept with his fiance; it's hard for him to be rational about that. Sorry, but for some of us, sex is still a big deal, not just a way to pass the time until you find somebody else.

RMc2009:

Doesn't look like any of those apply here. He's an ex-lover of his fiance suddenly dropping in and wanting to be shown around. Even if it's entirely innocent, it's kinda rude.

No, it's not rude at all. This fiance and this guy weren't just former lovers, they were also friends. Wanting to drop by and get some help from a friend when you're in a new country is perfectly reasonable and not rude at all. Now, if he states that he doesn't want her to bring her fiance around, then he'd be rude.

RMc2009:

And so on. It's really not a big deal. To you, maybe.

Most people manage to function in a reasonable manner with an exe or two, and most people manage to deal with their significant others exes.

RMc2009:

He slept with his fiance; it's hard for him to be rational about that.

Too many pronouns. Yes, the visitor slept with the LW. But that happened before she ever dated the fiance. If you're going to get uptight about people who've slept with your significant other, than you should only date virgins. And no, it's very easy to be rational about it. At one point in the past, his fiance and this man went from friendship to relationship. Then, they realized that they weren't suitable to being in a relationship and went back to being merely friends. It's very easy to be rational about it.

RMc2009:

Sorry, but for some of us, sex is still a big deal, not just a way to pass the time until you find somebody else.

Even if it is a big deal, so what? That doesn't change the fact that for whatever reason the relationship between the LW and this man didn't work out. Nor does it change the fact that the fiance is being an unreasonable prick.

I was in a situation similar to this awhile ago. In my case the "former lover" had been my friend continuously (and lover for only 2 weeks years previously), so my boyfriend just decided one day that it was no longer cool for my friend and I to hang out. Reading all these threads has helped me to understand much better where he was coming from. I still think he was absolutely wrong, but I see that some men attach an importance to sex that trumps most else. I'm put in my mind of something he said that I could never make heads or tails of at the time. "Every time he sees you he'll be picturing you naked." I suppose he believed exactly that because that's the reaction he had to the women he'd slept with.

Most people manage to function in a reasonable manner with an exe or two, and most people manage to deal with their significant others exes.

Sounds like you've had quite a few exes, and, judging from your dozens of other responses on this topic, you'll have quite a few more.

If you're going to get uptight about people who've slept with your significant other, than you should only date virgins.

Don't be silly. It's one thing for your SO to have former lovers...it's quite another to have shoved in your face. Do you really not see the difference?

Then, they realized that they weren't suitable to being in a relationship and went back to being merely friends.

Love that passive voice. Nobody suddenly decides to "go back to being friends"; one of the two parties (usually the woman) makes the decision to stop having sex, and the other person has to abide by it. If that's the case here, the fiance damn well better be on his guard.

It's very easy to be rational about it.

If you consider sex to be roughly equivalent to flossing, sure. For some of us, it means more.

Nor does it change the fact that the fiance is being an unreasonable prick.

Yeah. Gonna have a lot more exes before you're done, sweetheart.

What a world.

I've met my boyfriend's ex. He's in occasional contact with her via facebook, and when she was visiting from the UK where she now lives, we all went out for dinner. Yes, the thought "she's had sex with my boyfriend" did cross my mind, and it was awkward for about ten minutes, and then we started chatting and she was cool and I forgot all about the awkwardness. Besides, she's married now, and she and my boyfriend dated for a few months over a decade ago, when they were teenagers. So I've had an ex shoved in my face, and it wasn't a big hairy deal.

Plus, back in college he used to have mostly female friends. He was like their mascot or something. It didn't bother me that they were female. He even told me that he'd had a crush on one of them because she vaguely resembled Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but she rejected him. I didn't demand that he stop hanging out with her. Nope, the only thing that bothered me about his friends was that they smoked pot, and I was a straight edge.

My boyfriend doesn't mind that I'm still in contact with my ex, either. My ex is one of my best friends, and I talk to him online pretty much every week. My ex's wife doesn't seem to object to his friendship with me.

So how many exes have I had? One. And my boyfriend? Two. And we've been together for six years. I also do not consider sex to be "roughly equivalent to flossing". I personally find the idea of casual sex about as appealing as roadkill (though I don't give a toss if other people are into it, it's just not for me). So much for the hypothesis that everyone who is okay with their partner's exes is an amoral slut who can't hold a relationship together.

Congratulations, Kea: you beat the odds. It's like the people who smoke all their lives and never get cancer, or drive insanely and never get into accidents: you lucked out. For most people, though, having contact with ex-lovers is just asking for trouble. It doesn't make you a controlling prick to want to limit your SO's contact with people they used to sleep with, and insisting that they "get over it" is unfair and rude.

RMc2009:

It's fascinating how certain letters become virtual Rohrshach tests, with everyone revealing their prejudices and projecting more than the guy who owns the local multiplex. "Sure, he/she says X, but they really mean Y! I've been through this, too! Bastard! Bitch! Republican!"

There's no doubt the guy is being a jerk, especially with his threat to dial up the denizens of his own Little Black Book. (This was more likely a reaction born of anger and defensiveness than actual threat, but still.) News flash: your sweetie is going to come in contact with other men, in myriad ways, usually innocent. (And if they're not completely innocent, doesn't she have a head on her shoulders? She's engaged to you, right?)

So far, I'm in complete agreement with you...

RMc2009:

But. An ex-lover (however brief the assignation) is different. Sleeping with someone changes the playing field

And here's where you lose me. Arguably having sex with someone does not make them a "lover" or at least not in the sense of having emotions involved. There's a huge distinction that needs to be made between a one-night stand, a short-term fling and a full-blown love affair.

RMc2009:

Sleeping with someone changes the playing field

Only when the people fall in love.

RMc2009:

God forbid anyone ever show signs of jealousy or possessiveness, or indeed any emotion at all. We're all too evolved for that nonsense, aren't we?

Actually, we just because a person has an emotion, doesn't mean that he/she has to display that emotion in public.

RMc2009:

Hell, everyone's sampled everybody's else's private parts in the Brave New World, so get with it, Grandpa!

Well, since we are no longer getting married at age 13 and dying in childbirth or of old age at 45 or 50, yes, most adults can be expected to have had multiple sex partners in lifetimes.

RMc2009:

The fact is, when you're committed to someone, you simply don't put yourself in situations when you're hanging out with people who have seen you naked. Period. And indeed, why would you?

Obviously you have never been married. Are divorced spouses exempt from your rule on this? Seems that exes might have to spend time together when kids are involved. Is that inconsiderate of the new SO in your opinion?

RMc2009:

Why wave a red flag in front of angry bull when you don't have to? To prove that you can? Geez.

What you don't seem to understand is that this couple broke up. Something didn't work or they would be together. Why is that so difficult to comprehend? I can't speak for men, but as far as women go, once the realtionship is over, we don't want to sleep with the guy again, no matter how hot he is. The only exception is when a woman is really horny and lonely, which means, when she is without a current SO.

Apparently men always want to and will readily have sex with any woman they have previously bedded whether or not that relationship ended badly and whether or not they are currently committed to another woman. Sadly, you make it sound like men would easily have sex again with a past sex partner even if they are romantically and sexually happy presently. Women don't do that.

RMc2009:

Indeed...and insisting on hanging out with a former lover, even when your fiance is uncomfortable with it, is pretty ugly. Why shove the ex-flame into the face of the man you supposedly love and want to marry? Why?

Because people are more than just genitals. If you looked at the "former lover" as a fellow human being that brought a lot of joy into her life instead of a massive penis scheming to supplant you - you might see the "why" of the matter.

I'm starting to move past the anger at the stupidity of some of you folks and just feel sorry for you. The world must be a pretty bleak place if you can't see someone has a value beyond their crotch.

I'm starting to move past the anger at the stupidity of some of you folks and just feel sorry for you.

Ah, arrogance and ignorance, the stuff the Internet is built on.

So let me get this straight, Susan: let's say your husband or boyfriend (or whoever the poor bastard is) is plastering his hot ex-girlfriend in your face. Being the post-feminist, tough-as-nails, don't-take-no-crap-from-no-man type you are, you naturally feel not a quiver of jealousy, right?

If you say "yes" you're either:

(a) incredibly stupid;

(b) incredibly naive;

(c) lying through your teeth.

And after he finally dumps your sorry ass, well, you'll be alone, but at least you'll have your high horse to cling to.

Moron.

Obviously you have never been married.

Obviously you're an idiot.

Are divorced spouses exempt from your rule on this? Seems that exes might have to spend time together when kids are involved. Is that inconsiderate of the new SO in your opinion?

Focus, please. LW's latin lover isn't a former spouse and no kids are involved, so that's not the situation here. He is someone she's slept with, so for her to shove him into her fiance's face is nasty and rude. Frankly, someone who plays head games like that doesn't deserve one boyfriend, let alone two.