I reason somewhere - C.S. Lewis? - that, no matter the length of the relationship, friends want to be with you, and the activity or topic of conversation is secondary. With acquaintances, the activity is primary; so that you have work acquaintances whom you also play cards with or fishing buddies you also see at church. The trouble comes from confusing the two or trying to move acquaintances with whom you enjoy one or two activities into friendship status where they are not comfortable and cannot live up to expectations.

Just a thought.

I agree. Many people, including my grown children do not differentiate their relationship, their time, their money etc as disbursed to an intimate situation or a distant one.

In my opinion, iIf I do not take care of me, I do not exist. I can show compasion for others but if I give them my last something that I needed, like I gave someone my car and I lose my job because I can't get to work because of it, how did I really help anyone?

I mean, finances are always hard and some people in the face of crisis who in good times depended on another's charity that was graciously given often expect it and unfortunately bite the person in the face that had always helped them. Too, too bad when they get old because the giving person who knew when to stop will still have her whereabouts together even if she drops that friend/acquaintance, but it sounds like unappreciation and unrealisticness will bring the shock that no one is there for the selfish when they are old, for they will be old and alone. Who wants to be that! I sure don't!

So, I give when my heart is there to give and if someone close or distant does not appreciate it and even expects more when I can't give, (like it couldn't be I could count on the other person to be there for me like reciprocation), well, then I got the better deal walking away from someone like that or simply saying no.

I mean, some people really think you should have a higher income just because they need you to be wealthier for their sakes, and while the need may be so, I learned hand over fist the difference between a want and a need! So many people haven't learned that, so, I am willing to step aside and let someone else fall on their face so they do learn that, (the need or want thing) and then maybe there would be more people like me who treat others with respect and care while not diving myself in for the long haul.

If I can inpart anything in a person like that it would be, if you don't take care of you, who will? Your nice friend might be in too much bind to save you so find your frugalest part of yourself and stick to it for your rainy days!

I really love people and have given in much much compassion, but there is a down side to that as in being taken advantage of because you are nice to people. Sufferingly is too common for my taste, happens to much (ie sucker!). So be wise, I say to us who give to a fault and protect yourself so you can be there the next time the recession hasn't hit you. (and hope in the meantime that the others in your life learned a little bit of need vs want therapy by then)

You'll have respect then for being an example when you have to say no I can't. I know because I did that with several people, "Uh, that is my limit, sorry, no, can't do it!" and years later they thanked me and we are still friends/acquaintances though we "broke up" at that time. It truthfully didn't work with everyone.

It really just hurts when you just bent over backwards really helping someone because you really cared that much and then you can't anymore and you get slammed in the face and I cried a lot, but I learned to keep my chin up and make new relationships with new people. I learned to say of myself, "You're a good you, even if others don't appreciate that!"

I can't be wonderwoman for others in a recession (goodness knows others can't be that way for me even in good times!) I can accept that and be happy with myself

Agreed with you say. However...

Among my friends I have one who often suggests costly get-togethers (esp. dinners out)even though my financial situation has changed and hers has not, and she knows this.

I simply say, "No, it's not in my budget" to which she will often say "I'll pay" AND to which I reply: "Thanks, but that's not the point. I need to do something else less costly."

In assessing what's going on I see her behavior not as that of someone who is no longer a friend, but as someone who has her own issues about feeling insecure and well-to-do. She is somewhat controlling in many ways, and I simply won't let myself be controlled.

Otherwise, we have a tight bond.

She does the same thing in asking three times "Just TRY this dessert..." And three times, I say "No thanks."

Bottom line: Most of our friends are imperfect (they'd say the same about us) and some of those dissonances have become more apparent with the economic upheaval.