Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too, we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be gay-friendly, pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties. Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,

Blue States

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs

BS 90% entrepreneurs are republican because they support business and not putting damn taxes all over the place. If you did form your own country and take the blue states that would be fine as long as you took the sierra club and all the tree huggers with you.

Are you so arrogant that you deem to speak for all residents of blue states? Move to Canada - it's beautiful up there, too. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out, either.

If you don't realize, the governor is Arnold the terminator, and a Republican

Peace out - dummy

Great post PB. Count me in.

As a red stater, I will take that deal in a second. Bye, Bye, looney lefties!!!!

I'm excited...does that mean you'll be taking all the condescending hate speech with you too??

Dear Blue States:

We're sorry you feel that way, but understand the decision. Frankly, the past few years have felt a little like a bad relationship--with you being the whiny chick who always wants to talk about her feelings. Perhaps it is best we split and thank you for your honesty about what you plan to take with you. In the interest of continued full disclosure, we'd like to clarify a few things as well:

We'll be joining OPEC. With almost 90% of the U.S's oil production and 70% of refining capacity, that was pretty much a no-brainer. We'll also be taking most of the natural gas production, all of the oil shale production and 90% of the coal production. Oh, and also the strategic oil reserve. Sorry, but it would be pretty hard to move.

You can have your Ivy's, Seven Sisters, NESCAC's et al. because they're apparently no longer capable of teaching third grade math. According to your letter and some census data, 110% of our population is obese. Granted, we do have Mississippi, but we also have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and six of the last 10 Miss America winners, so your numbers are clearly wrong. We'll stick with Georgia Tech, Duke, UNC and UT where "new math" hasn't yet gotten in the way of reality.

While you're fixing your math lessons, you might also want to work on geography (Where exactly do you think all of that fresh water comes from?), and sociology (with 72% of the people on welfare, you're pretty much a lock on the single mom title).

It's true, you do have most of the fruit from the union, but we consider it a fair trade for most of the wheat, sugar, corn, beef, poultry, etc. When you're jonesing for a rib-eye, feel free to stop by. Be advised, though, that our entry standards have tightened. We'll no longer be accepting anybody driving a Prius, wearing Birkenstocks or familiar with Kabbalah Additionally, since you were kind enough to take all of the women who haven't yet figured out how to shave their legs, we're not planning to let them back in either. Yes, that means all of you from the Seven Sisters and ....Oregon.

We'd like to thank you for Florida because we're in the World Series this year and because Disney World is way cooler than Disney Land. If you're looking for other vacation spots, may we also mention Alta, Park City, Jackson Hole, Snowmass, Steamboat, Vail, Aspen and Telluride. Please be advised that anyone looking for more than 1000 feet of vertical will be subject to the same entry standards mentioned above.

Your decision on Iraq is ok with us. Apart from gang members, not may Nuevo Californians know how to use a gun anyway. We're planning to roll back the whole "war on terror" thing in any case. Let's face it, there aren't that many people out there looking to bomb grain silos in Omaha.

Lastly, we don't need your pot because we're high on Jesus.

Amen,

Red States

I seem to have struck a nerve with some of the red staters out there. I can't actually take credit for the contents of this post. It's copied and pasted from a email that was forwarded to me.

This is not meant to be taken seriously but to address your concerns. Yes Arnold is the governator of California and he is a Republican but he has proposed several new environmental regualtions and he opposes prop. 8 in that state.

As for the political persuasions of venture capitalists? Many may be Republicans and yet most of the business ventures are in blue states. Maybe because it's hard to make money in areas where much of the population is uneducated and overly religious?

Yes, there are Republicans in the "blue" states and there are Democrats in the "red" states but the winner take all electoral college means that if you are a member of the minority party in your state your vote for president does not count.

The last two elections appear to have been stolen. In Ohio the exit poll numbers and the actual vote tallies did not match. This in a state where the voting machines were owned by a republican run corporation and the Secretary of state promised to "deliver" Ohio for Bush. In Florida in 2004 80,000 votes by African Americans were discarded because their names were "similiar" to those of felons.

This is a democracy and if a majority of Americans are stupid enough to vote against their best interest and vote Republican that's okay.

If, on the other hand, the Republicans "win" by throwing out votes by minorites, suppressing votes or flipping the votes on electronic machines then it's clearly now. The first line of the post talks about stealing the election. That's not democracy. That's a crime.

Wow, I have to admit this is the first time I have looked at a disscussion sight let alone respond to one. Thank you for saying in print what I have been declaring to the TV for weeks.

Just another "RED NECK JESUS FREAK"

Oh, and while we're on voter suppression...you know your "Joe Bidened" post mandates that the ACORN ninja voters will now have to move back to the states where they REALLY live too.

Not that "mandate" is necessarily the right word...I'm just trying it on since apparently we're going to have to use it a lot more often now.

Look up Republican Buddy:

That meaning is why we had the United Soviet Socialist "Republic" and the Peoples "Republic" of China. All of the oil production you are talking about will only add up to about 1/3 of our daily use. Bush is spreading the war to Syria and his ally Mushariff in Pakistan. You and your god don't like abortion because you would rather kill women and children once they are out of the womb. There is more money for repubs that way. Why worry about oil when we can have WWIII and a final judgment day like all the mean spirited Repuglicans want? I like that whacky Chick line; you must'a been dating Rosey Palmer again eh?

His opening line was the biggest crack-up:

"If you manage to steal this election too, we've decided we're leaving."

He can't conceive that Obama might LOSE the election, no, if McCain wins it will be because he STOLE it! Pathetic.