It is birthday dinners and bachelor parties where I find you are most likely to find a gathering of people who are of very different socioeconomic means going out on the town together. It creates all sorts of awkwardness.

Yes, too true, and bachelor parties add the complication of people of different moral stripes, so they tend to be all-day (if not all-weekend) affairs, so as to let each person drop off as he gets uncomfortable.

It's like wading slowly into the ocean of sterotypical male debauchery. The early part is taken up with casual beers, cigars and some type of sporting event (round of golf, baseball game, fishing, etc.), at which point a few people turn back to the beach. Then you are up to your hips in poker, porn and a couple guys step outside to do what Paul Simon said, and that lets a few more know it's time to leave. If you hang around long enough, guys are neck-deep in Tom Hanks/donkey references, chasing tequila shots with lines of coke as the groom-to-be is hog-tied and slapped in the face with an unconscionably large dildo by two of the several prostitutes.

Or so I'm told, anyway.

I just threw a combined bachelor/bachelorette party and ended up picking up half of the tab because people flat-out refused to pay. I by no means would be considered well-off and really took it as a slap in the face. People assumed that because I was the best man I was obliged to pick up any additional expenses no matter how large they be. What a disaster.

Learn the fine art of budgeting, setting priorities, and making due with what you CAN afford, as a host. I think a lot of people have forgotten what to host means. I wouldn't invite you to my house for dinner and then demand that you pay half of my grocery bill for the meal.

Yes, sometimes this means skipping the limo and VIP rooms in favor of a backyard and a keg. Them's the breaks. If you really feel like your budget is insufficient, find someone to co-host that can help.

If you simply MUST get everyone to chip in a certain amount - tacky as that is - make sure it's a reasonable amount, that it's collected beforehand so you know of any deadbeats, and that you don't go over that budget unless you're prepared to pay for it yourself, because it's extremely rude to make free with other people's money when you're hosting. If you're at a bar, set a firm limit on your credit card tab with the bartender beforehand, and make a big show of closing the tab when the money's gone. If you've budgeted properly, this will not be ridiculously early in the night. Then if someone wants to order another drink, they'll have to put down their OWN card for the tab, or find some other sucker who isn't you.

Learn the fine art of budgeting, setting priorities, and making due with what you CAN afford, as a host. I think a lot of people have forgotten what to host means. I wouldn't invite you to my house for dinner and then demand that you pay half of my grocery bill for the meal. . . If you simply MUST get everyone to chip in a certain amount - tacky as that is

I'll buy that for birthday parties, but bachelor(ette) parties are generally accepted as communally-funded with the Best Man/Maid of Honor as organizer, not financier. If you don't want to chip in to take the groom/bride-to-be out for the night/weekend/previously-annou­nced-plans, then don't go.

When I help pay for a party, I expect a reasonable amount of control over how much I spend. For example, when we go out to dinner with friends, separate checks ensure that we can all order based on how much we'd like to spend. Even if we're chipping in to cover one person's tab, my control over my portion is enough. Or if we're planning a more complicated event, maybe we chip in a set amount and that's the budget the planner has to work with, or we chip in for the communal part and then are responsible for our own drinks, or the host provides food and it's BYOB, or whatever. Basically, somewhere along the line I get a say in where my money's going and how much of it leaves my possession.

But most "organizers" want to have it both ways - free rein to plan as extravagant a bash as they like with my money. They take advantage of my desire to treat the bride/groom and participate in the festivities, and I get the choice to either be the party pooper non-participant or to have my money made free with.

What is generally accepted is not necessarily the best indication of what is polite.

I guess I've just had different experiences with it. I'm planning my brother's bachelor party, now, for example. Like many of his closer friends, I don't live in the same town as him. Since travel and hotel were going to be involved, anyway, I don't have a problem with-- after his vetting-- settling on his and my alma mater as the venue; it's a relatively cheap place to party, anyway, and we're still young enough to blend in with the student population.

My plan is to send out info to his invite list: "I'm getting 2-3 hotel rooms and it'll cost $x for us all to crash in them; I'm also going to try to get tickets to the game, so let me know if you're interested. Travel is up to the individual, and once we're there, so are cover charges, meals, and drinks. I'm covering my brother along with anybody who wants to chip in."

I think the above is reasonable. My reading of your initial post, however, led me to believe that you thought that I, as the organizer, should be on the hook for total party expenses. I see now that that's not what you meant.

towers, your choice of people you ask about male activities shows your lack of knowledge about anything male...stick to the shoes and malls.....

Sounds reasonable to me... that gives each person a baseline understanding of what they'll be spending if they decide to go, and pretty good control over what they spend on meals and drinks, as long as you don't spring Ruth's Chris on them for dinner, or 15 different clubs with $10 cover each, or hiring strippers you expect them to help pay for, or anything like that :-)

It also sounds like a pretty informal, laid-back sort of gathering, too. That's more like going out with a bunch of friends that a seriously "planned" party. Which of course is more fun anway :-)