Interesting thread! I think the LW makes clear that procreating is more important to her than her relationship with that specific man. She leaves to try again to meet someone who wants to have children. It's a deal-breaker--fine, that's her perogative. However, if I was her partner, I'd have some reservations about having a child/staying with someone who prioritizes having babies over her partnership (whether I also wanted kids or not). Also, was anyone else creeped out by the statement "He said he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life." Ugh, talk about an unhealthy and unequal power dynamic--some people think the LW isn't "baby mad" but the fact that she waltzes over that (I believe) proves that she's so interested in having babies, she's blinded to the fact that she'll be bringing one into an emotionally unhealthy relationship--but then again, this makes sense considering how she's prioritized the relationship...

eiruduais:

Interesting thread! I think the LW makes clear that procreating is more important to her than her relationship with that specific man. She leaves to try again to meet someone who wants to have children. It's a deal-breaker--fine, that's her perogative. However, if I was her partner, I'd have some reservations about having a child/staying with someone who prioritizes having babies over her partnership (whether I also wanted kids or not). Also, was anyone else creeped out by the statement "He said he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life." Ugh, talk about an unhealthy and unequal power dynamic--some people think the LW isn't "baby mad" but the fact that she waltzes over that (I believe) proves that she's so interested in having babies, she's blinded to the fact that she'll be bringing one into an emotionally unhealthy relationship--but then again, this makes sense considering how she's prioritized the relationship...

I think procreating is a strong use of a personal opinion, some poeple like children and even though they have had their share and may not wish to have more, it's obvious when certain other's views differ to the degree of another viewpoint. I feel the writer is very young and did the right thing, the relationship ended and where it began again was solely the decision of the other party. You can say you don't want more children and still wish you could; if you like children, that is, and his decision suggests that to me. The only concern should be if the procedure he had is reversed ...just how many more children will happen, and then what to do? signed-had plenty, done, but still wish.

I think procreating is a strong use of a personal opinion, some poeple like children and even though they have had their share and may not wish to have more, it's obvious when certain other's views differ to the degree of another viewpoint. I feel the writer is very young and did the right thing, the relationship ended and where it began again was solely the decision of the other party. You can say you don't want more children and still wish you could; if you like children, that is, and his decision suggests that to me. The only concern should be if the procedure he had is reversed ...just how many more children will happen, and then what to do? signed-had plenty, done, but still wish.

I think that you are really misjudging the woman in this letter. When something is important to you, you have to have the backbone to come out and say it, Maybe even fight for it. It's her life too. If she always puts her partners wants ahead of her own, she'll end up bitter. If her partner isn't willing to give her the boot, so she can find someone else more compatable, I say that's his problem. He insists he's willing to have more kids, that shouldn't be her fault for taking him at his word. Personally, I think she should've moved on, but I wouldn't judge her for staying, if he's actually making that much of an effort.

What I can appreciate is that the man involved did what he needed to do in order to prevent more children. He obviously was quite serious about it to have the surgery. More often the woman is expected to be on some form of birth control, or there is too much dependence on condoms to work 100% of the time, especially in young adults. Men state I don't want kids at all or right now, and the statement is usually a charge directed at the woman he is with to make it doesn't happen because of all the stories we hear of women trapping men. Ideally, as soon as the relationship got intimate that discussion should have occurred so they could decide to continue on. I also believe both of these people should have moved on to people with similar sentiments in that area, but unfortunately they now have an emotional tie to each other that is going to be hard to break and take time to get over if that ends as the ultimate choice. Whatever choice is made it is going to be tough, and the consequences, positive or negative, they'll both have to deal with.

I definitely have to disagree with Prudie's conclusion as well. As a teacher's aide and as the daughter of a woman with a registered in-home daycare for over 20 years, kids have essentially been my entire life from day one. I work with them, played with them, changed diapers, fed them, clothed them, and even shared my childhood home with them. Many people know what it's like to have kids and to love them, but it's another thing entirely to witness firsthand -over and over again- the effects of parental apathy and rejection on a kid. Ask any failing Middle School student nowadays what his parents will think when he takes his report card home, and you have nearly perfect odds that the kid will say, "They won't care." Have you ever seen a 3-year-old boy punch his mother in the face and refuse to eat, nearly to the point of having an eating disorder, just for the attention of the parents who constantly brush him aside? I have, and in both cases, I firmly believe that both sets of parents should have done some serious soul-searching before they even entertained the notion of having kids. Kids are not stupid. Even the little ones know when they're not genuinely wanted and they will act accordingly. What Prudie seems to have completely missed is that uninterested or resentful parents produce maladjusted kids, who grow into maladjusted teenagers and adults that we will all have to interact with. Teachers will have to try in vain to make up for mom and dad's complete lack of interest in a child's success or failure, more cell doors will swing shut, more drugs and alcohol will ineffectively drown away sorrows, and more psychologists' chairs will fill, and society as a whole will have to shoulder it all somehow. I have seen it. Having a child isn't just a huge responsibility for yourself, but also for society and for the kid. It sounds to me like the woman in this situation genuinely wants kids. It's also obvious that the guy doesn't want more kids, to the point that he has altered his body to avoid it. If he gives in, it's not out of genuine want for a child, but out of a looming, divorce-clouded fear of losing another partner. I'm sorry, but I can't think of a bigger relationship deal-breaker than one party definitely wanting children and one party definitely not. Either the woman relents and grows bitter that he won't give her a baby and possibly resentful of the love the man has for the kids he already has, or he gives in and has kids with her and hates both her and the kids for it. It's absolutely dangerous to cop an assumption that the man will be fine when the kid comes along. What if he isn't? I think the solution here was missed, and it's an obvious one. The relationship needs to end, and both parties need to find new relationships where all of their needs -including their needs to have or not have children- will be met. I think that anything less advice-wise is plain irresponsible to them, to kids, and to all of us.