I've helped so many friends in their coming out process over the years that I think I and my whole friend group would be surprised and a little saddened if I didn't have a gay kid. I'm so aware of the best and worst ways for a parent to respond that I'd love to be the straight mom that was excited and supportive and helped to reconcile culture, faith and sexuality for a daughter or son.

It probably won't happen, though. I can't imagine doing any sort of treatment to ensure orientation either way. We'll see, I guess

I must confess that I did try to encourage my boys into becoming interested in playing heavy metal music because I felt they needed some kind of activity that would keep them busy or otherwise they might start playing sports and get all involved with drugs and illicit sex.

The fact that they turned out to be crackerjack musicians is a nice turn of events, but that does not mean that I am forcing my lifestyle on them (if you heard their preferences in music you would understand how little influence I do have on them) or that I am fulfilling my dreams by pushing them in one direction or the other. Both of them are now looking at going into medicine as a career, and quite honestly, that is completely out of the blue - I frankly didn't think they had it in them.

As far as their sexual oreintation goes, that is all still up in the air, and it could go either way. That is fine. I don't care who they bring home for Thanksgiving dinner.

As long as they don't listen to Cake.

Of course people want straight kids. They want sober, respectful, smart kids who respect the members of the opposite sex and want to mate with them, love them and have their children. And have blood relatives, DNA in common, long blood lines, etc. The whole shebang. It's the gold standard.

I know a lesbian couple (one of the lesbians continues to have sex with men - go figure, she just loves it!) and the children of one of the women know their father. Know all their relatives. Of the two children, one is gay and lives in San Francisco. One is hetero and has a husband and children. She has made her mother very very happy. The gay son has given everyone lots of worries - and landed in the hospital with life-threatening injuries. He's a bit on the flamboyant side.... Still loved, of course. Won't match his sister's lifestyle and will definitely not conceive grandchildren unless it's in a lab.

Lol..

one of the lesbians continues to have sex with men - go figure, she just loves it!

Being bisexual is the last most discriminated against preference and is probably a lot more common than anyone wants to discuss.

The amount of ignorance displayed in this thread about what it's like to be gay is really sickening...

Presenting us as the opposite of "sober, respectful, smart", the "end of the line genetically" (gee, what is this thing in my uterus currently delivering multiple roundhouses to my bladder then?), acting like it's reasonable and necessary for gay men to see their gayness as preventing them from living happy, normal lives...

For the person who would be devastated to have a gay kid, come on. Grow up. Learn a little. It's really, really shitty of you to have decided beforehand not to welcome your hypothetical child's partner into your home. I know, because my wife's mom used to say the same thing.

(Before I won her over with my charm, wit, and sparkling personality :-) ... after that I was welcome in her home.)

It was really hard on her, and for what purpose? It doesn't make her not a lesbian. Why don't you try loving and trusting your child, instead? Believe me, your kid won't believe you really love him if you shut out such a huge part of his life. Because you don't. You love a pretend version of him that isn't gay.

npr1:

Of course people want straight kids. They want sober, respectful, smart kids who respect the members of the opposite sex and want to mate with them, love them and have their children. And have blood relatives, DNA in common, long blood lines, etc. The whole shebang. It's the gold standard.

I know a lesbian couple (one of the lesbians continues to have sex with men - go figure, she just loves it!) and the children of one of the women know their father. Know all their relatives. Of the two children, one is gay and lives in San Francisco. One is hetero and has a husband and children. She has made her mother very very happy. The gay son has given everyone lots of worries - and landed in the hospital with life-threatening injuries. He's a bit on the flamboyant side.... Still loved, of course. Won't match his sister's lifestyle and will definitely not conceive grandchildren unless it's in a lab.

wow, that first paragraph is just...wow.

as the second paragraph, you could tell the same story about any family with children of any sexual orientation. the gay son did not end up in the hospital because he's gay (if he did, it's not because he's gay, say because he had emotional trouble with it, it's because of the way other people treated him). he is not "not matching his sister's lifestyle" because he's gay. He doesn't have the same life as his sister because-shocker!-they are different people. And who says her life is so great anyway? As a straight woman, having a husband and kids doesn't sound good to me at all. And I have news for you- there are millions of straight people who can't have grandchildren (to serve their parents' selfish expectations) outside the lab either.

Well, Trebuchet, I think there is an extreme difference between encouraging your children to experience something and not loving them for who they are (whether it be the hobbies they choose or the sexual orientation they are born with).

I am probably the exact polar opposite of who my parents were expecting when I popped out, in looks, personality, interests, everything. I think they have been disappointed, but I think they're over it now and if not too bad. You match a sperm to an egg in a uterus and you have no idea what's coming out. That's where you're right that people don't think about it enough- they paint a glossy picture and forget there's an infinite number of possibilities as to who your child turns out to be. So...for example, if you gave your kids the straight hormone in the womb...they still could have started playing sports.

"end of the line genetically"

Being gay doesn't mean the end of the line genetically as long as you do not impede (or even help in some way) the reproductive capacity of someone with some of your genes.

For example, a gay sibling who offered to babysit a straight sibling's children, or helped financially, so they decided to have children (or more children) (or even the gay sibling saved the life of the straight when they were drowning at 13 so they could have kids later or the gay sibling invented a new way to create cheap food so everyone in the general genetic area has more kids) would have some genetic fitness.

However-- generally people who like to have kids, and who hold social values that promote child bearing- will come to dominate any society that they are a part of within a very short time (100 years tops- but usually less than that). People who like to have kids and have social values that promote even more child bearing by their offspring would certainly use a no risk option to make their offspring straight.

That being said, there are some interesting animal studies showing higher rates of homosexuality when in overcrowded conditions. With our increasing population pressure, it might increase in commonality.

Yeah, I was not at all what my parents wanted either - we lived in a very conventional small midwestern town and I was none of the above. It caused them some grief as they raised me and I kept going off into some uncharted (in their mind) waters.

But they always had my attitude about children - they don't really belong to you - and they have always been proud of me and nowdays while they are proud of all their children, I am the one that is most interesting to talk about.

Go figure. And I never played sports either!

I don't want my kids to be gay. My presumption is that life would be more difficult in America for them - I don't know if that's true though. If one of my boys were gay I would struggle with it. My goal would be to act like it was no big deal - growing up has enough challenges the boys don't need to feel my judgment on them for something they can't change. I'd struggle with that though because the behaviors of gay men - generally speaking - freak the hell out of me. Could I hide that? probably not.

Would I alter their orientation in utero - yes. An earlier poster said that people want their kids to be like themselves but more successful. I don't see anything wrong with that. I want my kids to share my values and to have a sense of humor and wonder about life. Would them being gay prevent that - no, probably not. But still if I could choose I would not want a gay child.

Isn't that a modern myth that homosexuals don't reproduce? I was over at my neighbors house - Mary and Mary Beth - a while back and Mary's lovely daughter was there home from India for a brief stay (her husband was still over there studying) and she got a little tipsy and was playing the most beautiful sitar music for us.

Everyone on my block who is gay has children. This is not unusual. Maybe you just have your facts wrong.

What if they couldn't tell before the treatment and you had to drop five grand just to be sure each time you had a kid? Would it be worth the investment?

And what if there was a ten percent chance that the hormone treatement would cause some kind of birth defect? Are you prepared to tell your son that you made the right choice, that even though he is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, at least, thank god, he isn't gay?

Personally, I would rather have a son or daughter that is nothing at all like me and had arrived in that place on their own than one that was exactly like me but only because I controlled them into that situation.

My sons aren't gay - yet - but trust me, they freak me out all the time. Being a parent is fun like riding a roller coaster is fun. Just throw your arms in the air and scream at the top of your lungs.

Trebuchet (nice name):

good question - helps clarify. No way would I risk the health of my children for that - not worth the risk. I'd just have to "man up" and find a way to integrate it in my world view. I'm guessing if it comes down to that my love for my sons will also help clarify how I should see things and behave.

Roch, what's wrong with wanting your kids to be like you is that that's not how humans work. when my parents were in high school they were the cheerleader and the jock and voted best-looking. When I was in high school I was the nerd and grunge rock fan, and nowhere near winning the best looking vote. As adults, I'd venture to say we're even more different. I'm glad I don't share some of their values (for example they share some of your homophobic beliefs). Diversity is part of life (a good part if you ask me). Just because someone is your spawn doesn't mean they are like you.

Also I don't quite get what you mean by the behavior of gay men. I don't claim to know multitudes of gay men personally, but the ones I do know are all just as different from each other as any straight people are. If you're saying gay sex freaks you out (which is the common behavior I coiuld think of) well, first of all, I think the thought of a straight child having sex freaks a parent out anyway, so I doubt it would be any different. Secondly, it really doesn't matter if it freaks you out, because you're not the one doing it.

When I grew up in this little podunk town in Illinois, the only time I ever saw a black man was when I went with my mother once a year to Saint Louis to buy school shoes. Needless to say, I felt very freaked out being around black people (in retrospect, I probably made an ass out of myself besides!).

Now I live in Saint Louis, in a part of town that is very heavily homosexual (thank god! They have tripled the value of our homes) and all of the old anxieties about being around someone different than me have faded.

Also, to hear the "boys" tell it, they almost all agree that their worst experience in life was having to hide their homosexuality from their parents, especially their dad. Don't let this happen to your kids. Seriously.