Not quite the same situation, but I have a kid who used to visit on holidays, drink all night and sleep all day. Wash, rinse, repeat. The final straw was waking at 3AM to find him "showing the house" to a woman friend who was also wasted. That's the visit where I suggested he needed to find a hotel in the future. The visit wasn't a visit anyway, so why not discuss reality? My other adult kids don't do that. At the end of the day, if you're an adult in your thirties and you have come to visit your parents, you should visit your parents. And if you want a babysitter, you should have an honest, open discussion about your intentions. Most grandparents love to babysit, but no one likes to feel used. I'm betting that mom was hurt and disappointed she didn't get a visit with her daughter, besides feeling used.

All that said, I'm not sure the "slut" reference is appropriate. Just my $.02.

Well Said!!

TOO LATE, she should have nipped this in the bud many years ago. But it seems instead of instilling some morals in her daughter she chose to allow society to guide her.

Wait, if she goes barhopping with a friend she's a slut, has marital problems and is an alcoholic? Should she stay home at all times and tend the home fires 24/7 for the rest of her life, only leaving for grocery shopping and PTA meetings? I totally disagree and find Prudie's response to be offensive.

I agree that the daughter was being selfish and using her mother as an unpaid babysitter, particularly since she didn't state her intentions beforehand. However, the kids were left with a trusted, responsible adult.

I am forty and go out occasionally with my friends. This does not mean I have marital problems, alcohol problems or that I"m picking up men in bars.

bodkinvanhorn:

Wait, if she goes barhopping with a friend she's a slut, has marital problems and is an alcoholic? Should she stay home at all times and tend the home fires 24/7 for the rest of her life, only leaving for grocery shopping and PTA meetings? I totally disagree and find Prudie's response to be offensive.

I agree that the daughter was being selfish and using her mother as an unpaid babysitter, particularly since she didn't state her intentions beforehand. However, the kids were left with a trusted, responsible adult.

I am forty and go out occasionally with my friends. This does not mean I have marital problems, alcohol problems or that I"m picking up men in bars.

Yes, that's EXACTLY what it means. You're a parent now. So you pretty much, 98% of the time, need to get over yourself, grow up and think about your kids. It's not rocket science, it's called being a parent.

Thankless? Yes, for the most part. But you wanted them and they're your responsibility. Besides, you should have gotten over your idiotic barhopping and getting-drunk-till-you-puke days in your twenties before you got married and had kids. That's why they call it "settling down".

Aside from that, how rude do you have to be to cavalierly dump your children off on your mother without any warning so you can go out and recaputure your youth? What the LW did was rude and insensitive and thoughtless and smacks of Mid Life Crisis.

Now if this is something new that the LW's daughter just started (as happens in mid life crises), the LW has every right to be ticked off. If she's been indulging her daughter and excusing her behavior for years, well she's out of luck. The LW might want to see the kids but it's clear her daughter isn't above using the children as pawns. In other words "If you won't allow me to use your house as a free hotel, with free babysitting services, free maid, laundry and restaurant services as well as a flop house for my equally insensitive, boorish friend, then you can't see your grandchildren"

I think there's more than the LW is letting on but she needs to steel herself to call her daughter's bluff and say "Fine, if you choose to use your children as pawns, I'll be happy to explain the situation to them when they're 18 and on their own and they no longer have to cater to a mother who is still trying to recapture her youth on a barstool"

In her 30s? Wow, I'm guessing you're about...what? .....19?

Who knew? All I did was get a tattoo and buy a Porsche. Think of the money I could have saved! Dammit! Booze is waaaaaay cheaper than what I did.

(Yes, I'm sure you missed that. I really am mocking you, because it's fun.)

Bumber, are you for real? So once you have kids, no more going out? Or can you go out but not drink alcohol? Or do you need your husband with you at all times? What if your husband wants to go out with the guys, is he a slut, too? Or do your stringent rules only apply to women?

I can't wait to tell my husband I"m a slut. He'll be so excited.

Upon further thought, I need some clarification.

TRUE OR FALSE:

*Once you have kids you may not drink alcohol. T or F

*Once you have kids you may drink at home with a friend. T or F

*If T, only if said friend is married. T or F

*If F, you can only drink with husband present. T or F

*You may go to a bar with your husband. T or F

*If T, drinking alcohol is permitted. T or F

*If T you are still a slut for entering the bar. T or F

*You may go to a bar with your brother or male relative. T or F

*You may go to a bar with a friend and drink seltzer. T or F

*If T you are still a slut but not an alcoholic. T or F

*You may go to a restaurant that serves alcohol with a friend. T or F

*If T, you may consume alcohol. T or F

*If T, you are still a slut. T or F

*You may stay out late with friends as long as alcohol is not consumed. T or F

*You should be home by dark and never go out. T or F

*If F, you may go with your husband. T or F

*If T you still need to be home before ten. T or F

Bumber, you say that "So you pretty much, 98% of the time, need to get over yourself, grow up and think about your kids."

That's the point... 98% of the time... but every now and then, once in a while, 2% of the time... let this woman go out with a friend and just have some fun. It does not mean she is irresponsible, or self-centered or a bad parent. She's just actually indulging in that other 2% of the time that you mention.

I guarantee someone is going to take that seriously!

I don't think there is anything wrong with her going to a bar with her friend. But I do think it's rude to use her mother as a free babysitting service, without asking her first and going out two nights in a row.

bodkinvanhorn:

*You may go to a restaurant that serves alcohol with a friend. T or F

"Waiter, I'd like a glass of red wine with a side of Friend Fries!"

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

ElleBlue:

I don't think there is anything wrong with her going to a bar with her friend.

Apparently, Prudie does. Or else they edited a WHOLE lot out of the letter. But then, this is the same Prudie who agreed to have a kid just so her then-boyfriend would agree to marry her!

Sluts are usually of high school or college age. This lady is a cougar.

They are very highly valued by young men looking for some valuable life experience and by older men who are not having much luck with the sluts.

I for one object to the letter writers uneasy grasp of the vocabulary. Words matter, lets not throw them around willy nilly, like, oh I don't know, like spare vaginas.

There is this concept called 'enabling'. If this is what you're doing, you're really not helping your kids (adult or not).