I can't disagree with Prudie's response to the college-bound free love advocate. Ok, I'm not really the bf's mom, but I have a college bound senior son, whom I provide with condoms. I don't allow him to bring girls into his bedroom without the door open, and I don't leave the house when he has girls over. I also don't let him spend long periods of time at anyone else's home unless adults are present. (Now, some of my son's female friends are college age and older, so technically the adult in the home is, well, them, but he could get any of them preggers and I'd be buying champagne & onesies). But if he had a steady girlfriend I'd probably do exactly what bf's DM is doing.

What's the uniting theory, you might ask? Here goes: I'm perfectly fine with my kid getting laid. I hope and prefer he wear a condom when he does so. I'm not fine with him getting laid at my house, especially by some hypocritical err confused little girl err none-GF whose parents are going to come looking for me because of what happened or didn't in my house.

If she's his girlfriend, then it's her parents' business how long she spends at our house, and if something happens, then I'll take equal responsibility for it with them. I'll also know them personally, so it'll be easier to figure out how to resolve anything that might come up.

I don't expect my son to tell me when he's going to have sex, and I'm pretty sure the LW's BF doesn't tell his mom they're going to, either. But as a parent, you know when your child is intimate with someone (unless you're in a state of denial or idiocy that cannot be cured). So, LW, if you go in his room and shut the door, of COURSE his mom knows what's going on. Prudie got that one 100% right.

You, LW are very lucky to have such an understanding BFDM, with such a close relationship to your BF. The way he gets along with his mom, the openness, the trust, the caring, is exactly how he's going to relate with you (or the smart one who ends up with him).

You sound like a) you're jealous and b) you very much want to come between mother and son, instead of becoming part of their family. I guarantee you she won't be your "friend" for very long if you try that game. You're making a lot of assumptions about what exactly is said about you, and that's just whacky-paranoid enough that if you were my son's GF, I'd be sure that along with condom advice, I'd be giving him advice about how to spot and avoid a long term relationship with a control freak who tries to cut you off from your family. I might stop leaving the house when I know you're there.

Or maybe I'd just call your parents.

This chick is an ingrate. Most mothers don't let their 18 year olds spend any time alone at their house with the girlfriend. I've dealt with my share of shrews who wouldn't even let us come in and watch TV in the family room on a cold night.

...that it's a good time to let the poor bastard go.

(College-bound? Even if it's the same college, they're relationship is doomed. They're 18, ferchrissakes.)

Iso,

When I read your post I had two reactions. Reaction one was my reaction as parent (my kids are much younger, but it is still the dominant reaction). The parent reaction was simple: that sounds like the right way to go.

Reaction two took me back to when I was your around son's age. This was the early 1990s, the apparent zenith of STD worry, and there were two reasons that otherwise sensible people went unprotected--(1) they were drunk or (2) guys were embarrassed to buy condoms and so didn't have them around. So the second reaction I had to your post was why isn't he buying them himself? Give him money if that's the issue. Point being that unless they are going in the care packages next year, he's going to have to come up with his own supply. FWIW, as a condition of slipping me a few bucks for rent, my then 80 year old grandfather, God bless him, marched 17 YO me into a drugstore and made me prove I would buy a pack myself. I am sure we were quite the sight (in addition to being 80, he was 8-9 inches shorter than I am) and I don't know which of us was more embarassed, but it was well worth doing.

Cheers and good luck. Dealing with those issues makes potty training sound easy.

--his only living Grandpa is 89 and can barely march to the bathroom, his dad passed away and so did his big brother. I'm not sure how he'll feel about mom marching him into the drugstore to teach him how to buy condoms, but this is NYC-- a lot of bars have nice little easter baskets of them in the bathrooms, by the paper towels. I imagine I could give Mr. Nomist his "marching" orders, but I don't think College Bound Nomist will be running out of his present supply any too soon. ;-) He'd kill me if he read that!

just tell him to walk to CVS himself. My grandpa had (and sort of still has) a flair for the dramatic.

Oh, and when he's in those bars with the easter baskets, be sure his ID comes from a not-well-known (probably western) state and that he doesn't forget his ostensible birthday. Speaking of embarrassing...

Well just make sure he knows that if he doesn't use them up in a certain amount of time, they still will eventually need to be replaced...

It would so suck to do everything correct and still wind up with an oops because the condom was to old.

No, this relationship isn't "close" and "understanding". This woman is living vicariously through her son. She likes to think of herself as the "cool mom". She probably bought her son alcohol when he was 16 while throwing him a coed slumber party. Good fences make good neighbors, and good boundaries make good parents.

a single case of a guy I knew discussing the sex he was having with his mom. It's. Just. Not. Done!

My mom knew what I was up to. She could separate the pieces of ass from the ones she wanted there for dinner too! She'd be like, "do you still talk to so and so?" And when I'd tell he I was with so and so, she'd just look away and resume what she was doing. ha!

Probably easier to have boys, Iso :)

Standing in front of a vanity getting ready to go out. Havng a discussion about sex. Teenage daughter says to her she doesn't get why anyone would like oral sex, or that she wouldn't even know how to do it. So what does mom do? Gets a hairbrush and demonstrates on the handle.

Real cool mom, she was.

As always, well articulated reply, Iso. =-D

Wow, awful lot of assumptions there. So, because she's aware her 18 (or darn close to 18) year old son has sex, and makes sure there are condoms available so he doesn't do something stupid and life-changing in the heat of the moment, you're assuming she's someone who would also encourage illegal underage drinking and throw him and his friends a party where they could drink? I think that's reaching quite a bit. I agree good boundaries make good parents, and frankly I didn't see anything wrong with hers.

My parents did not in any way encourage me to have sex or drink as a teen, but they made it clear to me that if the time came when I needed birth control pills or condoms, or really wanted to try some beer or wine (or anything else), I should feel comfortable coming to them first for whatever I felt I needed to try. As a result, I was one of the few kids in my graduating class without either a kid or a drinking or drug problem. I knew if I ever really wanted to try something, my parents would support me - so I didn't have the temptation to go out and do anything stupid. Your job as a parent is to educate and guide your child and prepare them for the real world - not protect them from it to the extent that without you around they don't know how to make good choices for themselves.

At 16, saying no to my bf because the stupid thing had been in his wallet for too long. I already knew heat was bad for them. :)

Hurray for our parents! :)

Wow, an 18 year old young woman is trying to have an independent relationship with her boyfriend (or come between dear old mom and son)? That's a shocker! Wait, no, it's adolescence.

Sadly, in educating your little boy about how to avoid such control freaks trying to destroy his relationship with his loving and caring mother, you're destroying his ability to have relationships at all. Kids are supposed to grow away from their parents. It's what we call growing up.

Don't project your issues onto the letter writer, who is looking for adult advice. If you're trying to control your kid's contact with his girlfriend, that's your issue, not this mother's.

By involving herself in her son's sex life, the mom in this situation is desperately trying to hold onto her kid, in an entirely inappropriate manner. She is trying to show SHE is the one who hold all the cards with the boy, not the girlfriend. Apparently, some of you parents see that as just fine simply because they are not living away from home. It's not. Let your kids grow up. Or I fear what is to come.