...In which Schuyler The Cat offers gentle, kind, advice; replete with empathy and loving moral goodness; delightful to the reader and letter writer alike.

Not.

Terrible Two's - my first impression is you are an asshole of the highest order, but that is entirely too simple minded a response: it sucks, doesn't it Daddy Dearest, discovering you don't like your children after they are born? If we could know them before, like maybe a little-human-being test drive, this would never happen.

Alas, no such luck: you clearly penetrated your wife's vagina with deposited a suitable quantity of viable semen and begat a child without prior benefit of knowledge that this little critter would be such a horrid time- and attention-eating kindermonster.

And now you're upset. Feel like you're drowning. Don't enjoy daddy things. Uh huh.

I have 5 kids. Any one of them is worth a thousand of you. You know where I'm headed, asswipe.

Three of my kids are stepchildren, and all three of them said they feel lucky to have me as a dad instead of their own - fact which makes me feel pretty damn good. Some day, you inhuman puddle of puke, your daughter is likely to say that about someone other than you. That may be her best day while you are still alive. Now do you wanna play in the goddamn sandbox? Think about it.

Still Cares - I'll get this out of the way first: YUCK!

There. Won't mention it again. Whew! Over!!! That said this is really, very touching and all that, regardless that whole older-man-daddy-wrinkled-up-gr­otesque-pukey thing. Oops! Brought it up again, huh? Sorry!

Look, Jailbait: your hubby is jealous. Look it up. It's normal. It's not always childish: boys and girl get jealous when they feel their needs may become unmet due to natural competition. It's like anger and fear - a part of the human condition. Cope.

And frankly, I suspect he might have a freaky creeped-out vibe happening too. I mean, ew. EW! I mean, the sag factor...gawd.

How about you get all out of hubby's face about Grampa SexMachine? Your need to help out is (really, really fucking gross) understandable, but he may not be overreacting as much as you think here. Meanwhile, (grotesque as this whole deal is) I assure you that you do indeed have the right to go forward and be a source of comfort to this (really, really old) individual you care for. It's all about balance. Find it, or make the choice. Hubby, or almost-dead old flame.

Now I need to go vomit.

Brooding - YOU Are this week's Dumbass Letter of the Week prize! There's always one there somewhere: "Dear Prudie: my ass itches. What do I do?" or "Dear Prudie: when I drink a fifth of tequila I always wake up in a dorm room in another state singing 'Nearer My God to Thee' with my legs wrapped around some well-hung stranger named Tim. My mother says this is not ladylike. How do I explain this to her?" or "Dear Prudie: my husband is sleeping with at least fourteen other women, some under the age of 16. I love him so much, so how do I fix my relationship?"

Messy says "SHADDAP" better than anyone, so I'll just point you to her first. Go read her stuff. I'll wait.

Back now, idiot? Good! Here we go:

Q: How do you turn back these interlopers?

A: Say "piss off."

Jesus, they just keep coming...

Thanks, But No Thanks - Is it tacky? Not tacky? Who gives a rat's ass? So many weddings these days are overwrought, idiotic fucking pageants to self aggrandized neediness and cheesy indulgence they aren't worth attending. Flip a coin about the tacky part. Heads: tacky. Tails: tacky. Either way, no mater: what do YOU think?

Sorry. If you thunk, you'd have figured this out, rather than write to Prudie, huh? Well, I have no answer. The rules are all screwed up, weddings cost a hundred thousand dollars to start, and I find the entire industry asinine and dysfunctional.

If you do decide it's tacky and don't want to play, you should write a note explaining why. Here is an example:

"Dear Bride O' Plenty; I was going to drop off a self addressed, stamped envelope for your cheap ass - all the better to thank me for the battery powered Vibra-Glow butt plug and rubber bra and panties set I thoughtfully bought for you - but the envelope was blown out of my hand by one of the helicopters when you arrived, then trampled by the parade of elephants who were carrying all those plumes and banners proclaiming your great and incredible bridefulness like Prince Ali from 'Aladdin' (remember Genie in harem clothes - so CUTE he was!), after which the wind blew it right past the team of staff and servants and underlings and wait-persons and into the streaming fountain of gold leaf-fettered Dom Perignon. I might have retrieved it, but one of your 37 bridezillamaidens, resplendent in two hundred and fifty gaudy, putrid yards of nipple-pink taffeta scooped it up into a glass to give to one of the seventeen photographers or videographers capturing your blessed event for posterity, and the poor fellow choked on it and threw it up into the back of one of the fifty foot long Hummer limos, where it landed the hot tub. Anyway, since we're best-best friends I figure you don't need my address: you can say something bitchy and snotty and asshole-ish to my face when we see each other at the country club on Tuesday, sweetums, becasue after all, this IS a wedding. P.S. - LOVED the peacocks, flamingos, and five marichi bands (fave: the one playing Van Halen in 7/8) - deft touch! But the custom-built two story travertine marble dance floor was so slippery!"

Best combination of the terms "kindermonster" and "nipple-pink taffeta" that I've ever seen!

Your post as good a reason as I can think of for a Monday holiday.

"Nipple-pink"? Whose nipples? I mean, have you SEEN some women's nipples these days? Jeebus, ladies, keep out of the tanning salon! But we are talking milk-maid nipples right? Soft virginal nipples? Or the teats of the heavy breeders out there? Because I'm thinking after a litter or two they ain't looking so fresh...

Anyway, without knowing the exact shade of pink, how am I supposed to buy matching her and bitch outfits (and by bitch I mean her dog, the one who's going to be the ring bearer - so sweet when dogs are dressed up in wedding, am I right?)? Some brides make it SO difficult to color coordinate the gifts - and then the paper and the ribbons!

Oh, mercy, I must go have a lie down.

But do tell about the nipples as soon as possible.

Just for that you get a nice little scratchie under the chin. Go Cat go.

Disagree on the first point. LW1 knows he is is an ass. "He hates to say it..." That is why writing to Prudie for advice. Not sure how your unfocused rant about your stepkids is going to help him learn to be a better father.

That being said - if you have do 3 stepkids telling you that they are lucky to have you (and I don't doubt you do) - you seem uniquely qualified on how to fake it til you make it, at least pertaining to kids. I'm sure you dreaded interacting with them at times, yet you were able to overcome that. Explain how - as opposed to trying to guilt him into doing so.

He does suck as a father, just as his father did, but at least give him some minimal credit - he's looking for help on being a better one.

Now I have an image in my (partly rural) head of an old bull that has to be put down because he keeps stepping on his own balls. Thanks! Eeew!

It's enough to make a person resort to strong drink!

Awesome! Just Awesome!

"Nipple pink" brought to mind some of the best mental images. Thanks!

evil_robots:

Disagree on the first point. LW1 knows he is is an ass. "He hates to say it..." That is why writing to Prudie for advice. Not sure how your unfocused rant about your stepkids is going to help him learn to be a better father.

That being said - if you have do 3 stepkids telling you that they are lucky to have you (and I don't doubt you do) - you seem uniquely qualified on how to fake it til you make it, at least pertaining to kids. I'm sure you dreaded interacting with them at times, yet you were able to overcome that. Explain how - as opposed to trying to guilt him into doing so.

He does suck as a father, just as his father did, but at least give him some minimal credit - he's looking for help on being a better one.

You got that right, Evil Robots. Chances are, Scylercat got those kids way AFTER they reached the terrible two's. Easy for him to say.

Two is the toughest age on any parent. At that age, they are at their pique of self centeredness, where they can't be reasoned with. They are also into the simplest forms of entertainment known to man. While I loved my neices and nephews at any age, it was difficult interacting with them before I got bored shitless.

This guy is writing in. He knows something is not right and he wants to do something about it. Where is Schyler's sympathy for "Brooding"? How would he like it, if someone told his wife the world would've been better off without his three step children?

AC, we appreciate your attention to detail, we really do.

However, when you are reading something written by most guys, nipple pink covers the whole range of possibilities from the lightest "just-budding-and-thrilled-abo­ut-it" pink to "been-there-done-that-with-the­-whole-biker-gang" bruise purple. I hated to have to spell it out, because no one wants to visualize the far end of that scale.

Really, nipple pink is one of the better collective bridesmaid dress colors; so much better than dark green, dark blue, or burgundy. Although most of the really dark shades are worn in the northernmost tier of states, no woman can completely escape the dresses from hell.

Tonto, have you thought about joining our Messy in the fashion biz? I see some real potential here...

Fashion design. Hmmmm. That would have some humorous possibilities. If you've looked at the stuff the big-name designers put out there at the shows, you would think any of us could do as well. This is stuff they are deadly serious about. Pictures of it get put in magazines, and they get big money for that stuff. Heck yes, count me in.

I am that odd male who can tell shades of color apart. I can go to the paint store and come back with something that matches. My wife can measure accurately as well, so we are both out of the norm as far as those cliches' go.

Mr. AWTY isn't allowed to pick colors after the bathroom fiasco of the 90's in which he attempted to imitate a sunset by sponge-painting blue, orange and pink paint on the walls. Not fit for man or beast, (especially if intoxicated or ill with the flu).

He's great at the other DIY projects, but no color-choosing allowed.

Agreed then, we will form a consortium of fashionistas from Prudie. We'll have a cable show... make big bucks... change the fashion world... it'll be great...

We can call it "Frayed".

Now that I am sober, I can respond...

Guys love nipples, you know? Big old pizza nipples to little peanut nipples, guys everywhere find them wonderful.

"Nipple Pink" is indeed an odd one, given I have encountered nipples of all manner of colors from deep, deep ebony brown to a pale flesh-colored "invisinipples" like my first wife had.

The nipples that got me going were Tracey Z's, my second or third serious girlfriend when I was a sophmore in high school, and a true lovely redhead to boot. Think the color of cherry blossoms. THAT pink. Awesome.

Evil Robots and Elle Blue: The comment was the point, not the situation. My boy's father is a worthless bag of pig testicles and his sons know it. This was a cautionary statement: LW1 may hear those words someday and regret his current state: this says "shape up, asswipe, or this will be what you hear, and it might sting a lot"

Additionally, I might have mentioned before that I have 5 children: ages 22, 21, 19, 6, and 4. I had the oldest from ages 10, 12, and 13. The 6 year old was a surprise. I delivered the 4 year old myself. I have been a stay at home dad with the two youngest ones, all through their ones and twos (twos are easy. Threes...?) and beyond. It's...remarkable. I had no idea you could get so angry at someone you love so much and still refrain from bashing yourself in the head with a mallet. Hear this, one and all: One cannot fake that until it's made - it's made for you and you keep up with it or it runs you over like a dog in the road.

LW1 has a problem, in my view. This is his daughter. What the hell? Maybe I don't get it: is it OK to be distant from your children? I dunno - maybe I'm the bigger fool, but this guy has issues.

And no, I have little sympathy for "Brooding". I would sit with all five of my kids - when they were teenagers, babies, and toddlers - around the table of the local Zaxby's and endure the staring, snotty looks: I grew to LOVE to take my kids to restaurants. They are pretty well behaved, and we've gotten some compliments, but they are kids, and let's face the facts: the Titanic could not sink, and kids will never act up. Uh huh.

When they do act up, sometimes action needs to be taken. You can fill in your own blanks on what that means.

And so, In the end both LW's got a typically bitchy verbal face-slap from me, and then one simple statement couched in sarcasm: parenting is a full-contact experience sometimes, be it breast feeding arguments (gawd, not THAT again) or turning away from a child, or standing up for the whole brood. My younger kids have little sympathy for me, either: instead, they have needs. I have to show up, all the time, every time. So should these boys.

arewethereyet?:

Mr. AWTY isn't allowed to pick colors after the bathroom fiasco of the 90's in which he attempted to imitate a sunset by sponge-painting blue, orange and pink paint on the walls. Not fit for man or beast, (especially if intoxicated or ill with the flu).

Are you sure we haven't met? I think I've seen that bathroom. There couldn't be two people with that same bad idea, could there? If I remember correctly, nothing is comfortable when badly intoxicated or ill with the flu. A bathroom sunset might be more a question of scale than anything else. Sunset colors might be ok in a large family room. You'd have some wall space left over for the sky and a horizon, and maybe some trees to define the perspective. OK, so maybe the side of a big warehouse would work better.

I think watching "Zoolander" ought to be required for any of our prospective designers.