I've thought about writing to prudie, but she tends to be just that - a prude.

so maybe one of you can help me.

I have been with a woman now for 3 years, and when we first met, after I had left a woman who cheated on me, lied to me, and just generally treated me like shit, it was great. She was passionate, we had a great love life, and she was way into me.

Fast forward to today. She still loves me as much as ever, but doesn't like to touch at all. She doesn't like to kiss ( I can't remember the last time we even so much as had one french kiss) touch, hold hands snuggle, or barely even sleep in the bed together. She gets mad at me for sleeping on the couch, but when I sleep in the bed, she spends most of her time complaining about how uncomfortable she is.

She's had some things happen in her past that I don't need to divulge here, so I know she's had it rough. And I do love her. But I really really don't know what to do. I can't get her to so much as kiss me, and it's not even just that. She's become kind of mean to me all the time, she takes all her stress out on me, and I've asked her if she can't be physical, to at least give me something to go on to know we're ok (notes, maybe be more affectionate that way etc) and nothing works. She is

I fear I know the answer, but I thought maybe a third party could help.

Well, Marcus. A great romantic relationship is founded on friendship, but it does have to have some romance for it be a true romance. And yes, by that I mean sex or the possibility of sex.

Perhaps after your difficult break-up, and after whatever she has gone through, you both found each other and became good supporters and friends, but aren't cut out to be romantic partners. And, it could be that your girlfriend is not ready for any romantic partner given whatever it is that she's gone through. In other words, it may be that she'd be this way with any guy in her life at this point in time.

What could happen if you both don't broach this obvious problem is that a nice friendship will feel so frustrating and forced that not only will you not move into a better romantic phase, but you'll lose the friendship too. That would be sad. Friends are good.

But so is romance and sex. Go find a romantic partner and keep your girlfriend as a friend.

You should start casually masturbating in front of her. If she complains about it, just tell her "well you ain't puttin out and I don't cheat so you don't leave me with many options. Besides your titties give me a woodie". The conversation will evolve from there, and when it's done you'll have a better idea of where your relationship is headed.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today...

That C-O-L-D fish of a wife is finally going away....

I love here still, and it will be pure H-E-double-L for me...

But if she gave a good B-J, I'd gladly stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Either that or take a shower once in a while, brush your teeth, and get thee to a gym.

KA

the prudiest prudie.

Professionals would probably advise having mutual touching time set aside, entered into as just cuddling time with none of that "funny stuff."

Just reach out to her without sexual expectations, at least for the moment. And maybe get real help instead of reaching out to the Fray. This week has been particularly troll-heavy, if you haven't noticed.

Fear not. The Great Sage has come to your aid.

It sounds like your lady might be depressed, and has withdrawn as depression makes people do. Unfortunately, depressed people can get irritable and blaming, too. Perhaps her rough times are on her mind, or perhaps it's other things, or perhaps it's neurochemical, or a mixture.

I agree with SpaceCadet. Get professional help/advice. In the meantime, having been on both sides of the depression/withdrawal divide, I'd advise that you stop asking your lady for what she just cannot give for now. Stay strong in your mind and heart's knowledge that she loves you as much as ever and that you love her. Show her that you love her without specific expectations.

Can you make the move past the insecure part of yourself that wants ongoing reassurance? You'll be okay without tokens of reassurance for awhile. Consider getting advice and support for yourself, then based on that see if you can help her to get help.

Please keep in mind: these suggestions are based on one possible scenario, that she is depressed and could benefit from medical care and therapy. All of this may or may not apply. That's why you should get advice from face-to-face qualified people.

Good luck!

Your girlfriend is having sex with someone else. She might have a STD and she doesn't wish to give it to you. The other guy is either married or a deadbeat which is why she still keeps you around.

Fact the fact buddy; She isn't into you anymore and move on.

The odds are that his girlfriend is having sex with another man. I just assume this since he doesn't mention any event that would of triggered her to be depressed. Of course she could be but one would think he would know about this.

She has an STD and she wasn't want to give it to him and she is full of guilt.

jazzguitarman:

Your girlfriend is having sex with someone else. She might have a STD and she doesn't wish to give it to you. The other guy is either married or a deadbeat which is why she still keeps you around.

Fact the fact buddy; She isn't into you anymore and move on.

I agree she may not be into him anymore, but I'd bet she's not screwing around on the side, based on his description. Something has caused her to dwell on her past events. He may have innocuously said or done something that gave her a flashback. She may have heard that someone who hurt her is ill or died, which triggered a feeling of guilt in her for not forgiving them. It could be 100 different things.

The OP has been more than patient, it sounds like. He needs to ask her to get professional help. If she refuses and he stays, she'll eventually drag him into her pit with him. He shouldn't condemn himself to a life of completely non-sexual living, and by that I include the normal signs of affection two people who care about each other share. It would be different if she had changed in some way because of something new, a serious physical illness, a mental illness that she is willing to seek help for (and didn't appear to have when they met), a traumatic event like being raped which occurred recently. But if he has done nothing she will tell him about to bring this on, he's done his part, and doesn't owe her anything if she won't try to help herself.

They didn't have a healthy beginning to this relationship. He was hurt and looking for someone he felt safe with. Same with her. However, he got better, and that itself may be why she seems to be worse. She no longer has anyone she can commiserate with and/or feel superior to. He no longer needs her to "save" him, and she isn't coping well with that.

Thanks to everyone for the responses.

About the allegations of cheating, I'm fairly certain it's not that. Pretty much 100 percent. (though I feel like it's hard wired into male brains, particularly when all my others have, that when a girls not sleeping with you , Who is she sleeping with?) She has been cheated on by every other as well, so she is adamantly against that.

This is why it's hard to talk about this situation, because when she was a teenager she had some issues that really affected her. and therapy even now would probably be good. Beyond that, in our relationship, there was a pregnancy scare, but we've had nothing really happen since the beginning. She pretty much went from trying to be sexual and affectionate for me, to just not at all.

She has told me that she had this same problem before, I believe. Though it's not an issue I enjoy prying into in depth for some reason. ahem.

I've tried my damndest to be patient about this, but this part of the problem has effectively been happening for well over 2 years. She's generally a pretty great partner, but physically, there's not a real connection there. So for her, it's not an issue, not being interested, but I'm feeling a major disconnect.

Thanks again for talking, I actually don't know who to talk to about this. She's pretty much perfect in most ways, she just doesn't like touching. So it leads to a situation where sometimes everythings fine, even great, but sometimes its not. But I guess that's life.

It sounds like you are a really nice guy but there comes a point in life where you have to make a decision - are you going to live your life to make somebody else happy or is your happiness important enough to make a stand for?

If you decide the latter then you move to the next question - are you happy with this woman, as she is, no changes necessary?

If you are not then you move to the next question - how long is long enough to wait for her to change? You say you have 2 years in already. Is that enough? Would another 2 years do it? What is the deadline here?

Then you give her the deadline and, the very hardest part, you stick with it. If she doesn't change and you are not happy then leave. If it helps, leave the door open so that if she ever does change, you can maybe try again.

It just seems to me like the both of you are really focused on HER. As Incog said, sometimes there are situations in a relationship where that is appropriate. But you are not in one of those situations and so you need to decide if you are ok living your life for her or if you need something out of it too.

Marcus, no one has suggested this yet. When was the last time your lady went to the doctor for a physical? I don't know how old she is, but at a certain point a woman's hormones start doing crazy things and sometimes that can lead to a drop in interest. Encourage her to go see a physician before you go in for therapy ~ it just might be physical and not so much mental or emotional and there's lots of good treatments available.

You don't have a healthy relationship with this woman. Find the cause. If she doesn't want to then the relationship is over.