BenjaminAndrewMoore:

You want to sleep around on your other half? Ask him or her if it's okay with them. If it's not? Break up with them and do what you gotta do.

Well, at least you've acknowleged that it's not mandatory to stay in the relationship. That seems to be an unspoken expectation if you're a woman. Yes, your needs may be being ignored by your partner/husband, but it's up to you to make it work. I've lived that with a former partner, and the pressure that it's your job as a woman to fix your relationship is intense and feels unrelenting.

I understand to the point you're making about making a choice to be noble or not by being honest about what is happening to you and what your needs are. Truly it is one of the hardest lessons in life to first come to the realization that your needs aren't being met and things are not going to improve, and then finding the courage to say "I am justified in wanting to leave the relationship for this reason- it is not a trifling thing or a personal failure." Actually telling your partner, who you've loved for a long time and probably still love in many ways takes a great deal of courage. Cheating is much easier. It's definitely abdicating a responsibility and behaving in an emotionally immature way. It's an escape hatch from the reality of a no longer passionate relationship. I think that women that can take the high road and be honest about their sexual needs can do a lot to shift the double standards that we still hold, but it'll take noble, honest, mature and accountable women to do so.

If couples can stay together by taking 'seperate vacations' so to speak, where the implications of that are acknowleged with a nod, or can openly deal with their spouse/partner having another sexual partner from time to time- I say all power to them. But both parties definitely need to be on board.

Doesn't anyone think it's silly to expect to find a person that rates a 10 on all facets you require in a partner? 10 in looks, sense of humor, intelligence, personality, style, tennis playing skill, horror-movie-watching-desire, etc.? As such, don't most people seek out others to fill the gaps in these habits or traits that they want to rate a 10 on?

You play tennis with someone else, you watch the horror flicks with other friends, you seek out intellectual stimulation of a certain sort from those who can provide it.

Why should we expect our partner to be our only resource for sex?

The "common man" must believe cheating to be widespread enough to deserve a cover story in NY Magazine. As for "extreme attitiude" I wonder what was your motivation to marry? And in that regard, why not marry a man that shared your uncommon attitude?

Naughty Bits:

You play tennis with someone else, you watch the horror flicks with other friends, you seek out intellectual stimulation of a certain sort from those who can provide it.

Why should we expect our partner to be our only resource for sex?

I'm not sure what kind of tennis games/sex you're having, but I certainly don't have sex like I play tennis.

Naughty Bits:

Doesn't anyone think it's silly to expect to find a person that rates a 10 on all facets you require in a partner? 10 in looks, sense of humor, intelligence, personality, style, tennis playing skill, horror-movie-watching-desire, etc.? As such, don't most people seek out others to fill the gaps in these habits or traits that they want to rate a 10 on?

You play tennis with someone else, you watch the horror flicks with other friends, you seek out intellectual stimulation of a certain sort from those who can provide it.

Why should we expect our partner to be our only resource for sex?

You are so damned ridiculous. I don't think a single person in this thread has said that to be a good and moral human being, you need to have sex with only one person for the rest of your ridiculous life. Lying to your partner, lying to the other person in your relationship, is the problem. If they're okay with you banging your brother-in-law, fantastic! Go for it. Bang away. If they're not and you still bang and lie about said bang, then your relationship is forfeit. Sure, you're still human and all, you're just a very shitty human.

Also, I don't think anybody in the whole Goddamned world expects their partners to be tens in every category. You're arguing with no one here.

Well, people-who-seem-confused-and-m­aybe-a-bit-hysterical.

First of all, Rebound, I'm not sure what the way you play tennis has to do with the way you get laid. Perhaps you're clarify your point.

Secondly, Bengi, I was trying to ask why we should expect our partner to be a 10 in every aspet of life, including sex. Maybe even especially sex. Why shouldn't sex be one of the things a person enjoys with whoever he/she wants?

Regardless of whether you're lying about it or not. Collectively, we have no problems with a husband playing tennis with another woman. Or doing nearly anything short of sex.

Why? Why is sex such a big deal?

Naughty Bits:

Well, people-who-seem-confused-and-m­aybe-a-bit-hysterical.

First of all, Rebound, I'm not sure what the way you play tennis has to do with the way you get laid. Perhaps you're clarify your point.

Secondly, Bengi, I was trying to ask why we should expect our partner to be a 10 in every aspet of life, including sex. Maybe even especially sex. Why shouldn't sex be one of the things a person enjoys with whoever he/she wants?

Regardless of whether you're lying about it or not. Collectively, we have no problems with a husband playing tennis with another woman. Or doing nearly anything short of sex.

Why? Why is sex such a big deal?

See, once again you completely ignore what I said and imagine in your own head a different version of the events that actually occurred. I never said that having sex was a big deal. Nor did I say having sex with people other than your 'partner' was a big deal. Lying about it is. Cheating is.

That said, equating sex with tennis is just weird, and goes a long way to prove how ridiculous you are (which I believe is what Rebound was referring to).

Also, don't call me Bengi, dick. I wouldn't call you 'dick.' Previously, I mean.

Call me dick all you want, Benji. I don't concern myself over such things.

(Never mind that I do not, nor have I ever had, a dick.)

Maybe you're one of those people who likes for others to preface every statement with "I understand what you're saying, but...". Perhaps you need that sort of acknowledgement. In which case, I'll indulge you.

I understand what you're saying, Benji, but I'm asking about something else entirely. All this talk about infidelity and cheating as it relates to sex.

If your partner lied to you about the price of a pair of shoes, is that a bigger deal or not as big of a deal?

If your partner didn't tell you about purchasing a second home in Zimbabwe, is that a bigger deal or not as big of a deal?

Moreover, I am not posing this question to you alone, but to everyone responding to this thread.

Why is sex such a big deal? But playing tennis isn't? But going to poetry readings isn't? But enjoying other activities with other people isn't?

See, a dick is someone, be they man or woman, who calls a guy named Benjamin 'Bengi' or 'Benji' even after they expressly asked them not to. It's really disrespectful, regardless of whether or not you have or have ever had a 'dick.' If you assumed that I called you a dick because I assumed that you had a dick, you assumed incorrectly. But then, you're ridiculous, so I would expect nothing less.

You act, for whatever reason, like sex and tennis are the same thing, or that they carry the same moral weight. They don't. (The fact that you act this way leads me to believe that you are either "playing devil's advocate," as they say, or a schizophrenic.) Similarly, crimes are not all equal in terms of the weight that they carry. Stealing is not as bad as domestic abuse, which is not as bad as killing, which is not as bad as raping then killing or killing then raping. Not to enact Godwin's Law or anything, but though George Bush is a terrible president (and he has done many terrible things to this country and others), what he has done does not compare in the slightest to what Hitler did. Drinking alcohol and puking on your best friend's bed is not the same, or as bad, as drinking alcohol and driving to the nearest Perkin's.

Are you incapable of comprehending nuance? Can you not understand that every act has a different weight? That every act is on a different level? That every snowflake is unique?

Sex is different from tennis because it is a physical expression of human desire and love and emotion. When you say, "Hey, I'm committing to you and I won't have sex with anyone else while I'm with you," you're making a promise to your partner that, if broken, exposes your weakness as a selfish, incomplete, and uncaring human being. Dick.

I'm sorry. But I'm simply not going to read that novel.

Anyone else care to expound on why sex is such a big deal and other activities with other people are not?

Why are you deliberately avoiding the crux of the issue? It is not that sex, per se, is "such a big deal". It is the dishonesty. Now if you were to marry a person whose views on sexual intimacy corresponded with your own - great - you would not have to "cheat". Second, sorry to break it to you but sport sex is different from initimate & committed sex. The first is no big deal while the second involves much more than the physical act itself. If you can not understand that or have never experienced such intimacy then one could excuse your obfuscating debate.

As to lying about the price of shoes, well it could be just as big a deal as sexual infidelity when the house is foreclosed or the credit rating of the household goes into the shitter for one party's selfish "needs".

I trust this post was brief enough to warrant your announced and limited attention span.

So, Pal, you're saying that all sex with your life partner involves more than the physical act itself? It's never recreational?

Secondly, perhaps I should get on the "This OP is an idiot" bandwagon to be more accomodating.

Failing that, I thought I might pose the "why is sex such a big deal" debate in with the "men are regarded more fondly than women when they cheat" debate.

Bottom line. All people who cheat do so because they are not getting something they want out of their relationship. Sex, intimacy, tennis, whatever. They want more than they are getting (aligning with my point on the 10s), so they seek it outside.

I'm not sure any of it is particularly reprehensible. Every person doesn't know how to deal with every situation in the most optimal way.

Of course sex varies with a spouse so I do not get that straw man point. And men should get the same treatment.

No, not all people cheat to compensate for a shortcoming in their relationship, but that is not germane either. IF something is missing and mutual efforts are undertaken to work it out and that fails the choice is simple; remain in an unhappy relationship (and either stray with consent or don't) OR get out of the relationship.

As to the bandwagon, all I can say is my initial response to the OP came from a revulsion of the cavalier attitude she presented. And btw, I agree we all make too much out of sex but that is beside the point when dealing with the trust fostered within a committed relationship. On that score it would not matter if the deceit originates in financial, parental, or anything else. It is hard enough to maintain a decades long marriage...remove trust and it is doomed sooner or later.