I think that she should tell him after a few dates, before they have sex. In fact, this is my rule of thumb for anything that might affect a sexual relationship. A person shouldn't spill the beans on the first few dates as that is when you're simply figuring out whether you're compatible at all. But they're obligated to do so before the first sexual contact, IMO.

apricot:

unfortunately for me, when there were willing men i wasn't ready, and about a year later in college when i was, there were NO normal dudes to be had.

There's always normal dudes "to be had." And in this day and age of the internet, there's really no excuse for not finding them. It sounds to me like you're blaming the men for your virginity, when in fact you're still unready.

I'd recommend internet personals. If it seems like too much pressure (which it should), you don't have to sign up for eHarmony or some other "marry-me-now" site.

One thing you can try is "fake dating" - community personals sites, like Craigslist, have sections for things like "Strictly Platonic," "Missed Connections" or "Activity Partners." Announce that you're interested in doing something particular with someone who's likewise interested in it - going to the Planetarium, bars that allow smoking, getting drunk and shopping for books... whatever floats your boat. People will write back, you can correspond over email for a while, and eventually arrange a meeting .(obligatory warning: safe, busy, well-lighted place... bring your cell phone... make sure someone knows where you're going...)

Since the "connection" is explicitly not about sex, you should find the pressure much lower than when you're trying to date. But the practice of breaking the ice and striking up a friendship will come in handy when you do meet the one. It's good practice for dating when the stakes are higher. And, life might always deliver a pleasant surprise. I know one person who wanted to visit a series of San Francisco landmarks over the course of a month. He and his adventure buddy hit it off and developed a very successful relationship.

Or alternatively, grab somebody out of the 'casual encounters' section and be done with it :P

I have to say my first wasn't somebody I loved with all my heart. It was just a guy putting on a lot of pressure about the same time my friends were giving my grief for being a virgin. It's nothing I regret doing though.

Although I do remember telling an older male friend of mine that I just didn't see why anybody cared that much about sex, it wasn't a big deal. He just laughed and told me I needed a better partner. Turns out he was right.

Mark me down as another woman who didn't get emotional over the loss of her hymen. I think that has a lot to do with timing (teens are more hormonal and more emotional about sex than adults) and with personal belief. Let me illustrate: I started having sex well after high school, and I ended up dumping the guy within months. There was no "bonding" or "soul connection" or any of that crap. But then again, I'm not a romantic by nature, nor do I have some of these common ambivalent attitudes towards sex that some women have. I've known conservative Christian girls who have gone NUTS after losing their virginity, because they thought it was a sin and therefore they HAD to marry the guy they slept with. Let me just say that those relationships were hella fun to watch as they crashed, burned, and left massive psychological trauma in their wake.

The chick in the letter should examine herself first - is she ready to have sex, or is she going to go batshit insane after her first time? If the latter is the answer, she needs to stay a virgin a little longer.

"Taking a girl's virginity is serious responsibility as women (and men) invariably have a heavy emotional response to the act. It is often painful and very often creates a permanent emotional bond in the woman's mind with that man."

Please don't frighten any virgins out there! Sex for the first time need not be painful (mine wasn't) and need not create deep emotional bonds (mine didn't). Waiting until later in life may make the loss of virginity more stressful, but not neccessarily.

I do agree that a man may not want to be "the first" for an older virgin, and that she needn't disclose that information before hand. (Other men may love the idea; not all men are super-experienced, either.)

She might want to check out "The Joy of Sex" for all sorts of helpful info and encouragement and please don't forget birth control and sexually transmitted disease prevention. You can get pregnant the first time (as I did) or pick up a serious infection/illness- neither of which adds to a healthy sex life. I guess I'm the one scaring virgins now, but only enough to take precautions.

It seems to me that the original post comes at it from two directions. It seems to say that you can hide something from the guy - for what purpose? To keep him around, of course!

Which do you want? A casual type of thing or a relationship?

I guarentee that [if I wasn't married ;) and] my date popped something like that on me AFTER the fact, I'd question how much I could trust her. What's next? "By the way, I leave for the Navy tomorrow. Hope you like long-distance things"?

It's certainly not first-date conversation - "I'm not too experienced" would do for early on. Save more intimate discussions for a night things are heating up, but not for the morning after.

-Frank Blissett

Ok, I'm 25 and another fellow never-been-kissed-er.  So I openly admit my inexperience when I ask, "Were you dropped on your head as a child?"  How exactly could you not tell a guy you were a virgin?  I'm sure losing one's virginity need not be painful, especially if your partner knows it's your first time and is careful.  Or we could add in a bonus "guy freaks out when he realizes you're bleeding" scenario: for crying out loud people, this isn't something you can just gloss over.  "Oh, ha ha, you must have torn something."  Yeah, like my hymen.  How do you justify telling a sexually naive, probably terrified, 28-year-old not to say anything?  Like she's not panicked enough, just let the guy go full steam ahead with no hint that he might need to take it easy.  Or better yet, let the guy be stunned in the morning when he sees blood and realizes his bed partner is in legitimate pain.  You know, some guys have never "deflowered" a virgin.

I don't remember where I read it but I remember reading an article that said most teenage girls now don't have a hymen to have to break through. Lifestyles are just to active for that little bit of skin to survive, especially when we start talking women in their 20s.

I know I lost mine when I was 4-5 to a horrible jungle gym accident :P

Super90:

but if you tell him you are a virgin I can all but guarantee he will run for the hills.

Agreed, for a differnet reason. People (men and women) are suspicious of older virgins. They assume they are a) a religous nut, or b) have some horrible defect that will be revealed when the clothes come off. These days no one can conceive of a person over 22 not having had the opportunity - or perhaps the desire - to have sex.

You I believe are dead wrong. -.-' I believe if you were to lie to him like that, that's showing that you don't trust him. And to say something about such an important topic as that? I say that if a relationship were to work, you have to tell them everything, and they better do the same. It's worked out for me so far in all my relationships. It's the whole building trust thing. And plus I think that if they were to really hit it off, and her being a virgin, would be wonderfully romantic. Who cares if she has no practice; it's not that big a deal. If she hasn't had any of that stuff, then she's a clean slate, she will not have learned any bad habits and since when was being a virgin a social stigma?

Since about 2000 I think. Virginity is like fruit: It takes time to grow, then it ripens, and then - it goes bad.

The advise I would give this woman would be to solve the problem herself by buying something at a sex shop and using it. But then, I never understood women...