PhysicsGirl:

One thing I've noticed with the kids that I've TAed is that it is sort of backfiring when they get to college. They start with the idea that "alcohol is bad and will turn you into a horrible person who can't function." Then they go to a few parties where drinking occurs, and they see sucessful peers drinking without anything bad happening. Then they have a drink or two and the world doesn't end. At that point, they decide everything they've been told about alcohol is crap and go on a bender.

Here's what I've told my kids about drinking. Note, I don't drink, but part of that is I've never found an alcoholic beverage I liked. I don't drink coffee, either, that reason. My husband and a few relatives drink beer and the occasional cocktail, but the only uncle who drank to excess finally had his liver fail. They've seen people can have fun with or without alcohol, and that actual drunks make everyone uncomfortable.

I've told the kids they are not to drink or hang out where there is alcohol until they are 21, which 2 now are. I've told them after 21, they need to consider their size, any medications they take, and the circumstances - such as when they need to get up or who is driving. I've also explained, without trying to sound judgemental, that their father was an alcoholic when we got divorced, and that tendency often seems to be inherited. Bottom line, use reasonable care when drinking, and don't be a drunk.

One doesn't drink because she doesn't like any unnecessary chemicals, including tobacco and many food additives. She won't even drink soft drinks. One hangs with an untra-religious, non-drinking crowd, but has had some friends (over 21) who drank. The other will probably try alcohol when he is of age, if he doesn't consider it cost-prohibitive. How much he'll like it remains to be seen.

Are you females today so much weaker than the females fo 60 years ago....?

You sound like my husband! He doesn't like the taste of alcohol or coffee either. His theory is that his lack of a sense of smell is what causes coffee and alcohol to taste bad to him. He doesn't get any of the extra "flavor" if he tries them, only the bitter taste.

You approach sounds very reasonable! I wish more parents would take that approach. Binge drinking seems to be still just as big a problem on college campuses now as it did when I was an undergrad.

You know, with all the great thing we have in North American culture, we're really have difficulty sometimes getting the "adult stuff" like sex and alcohol integrated into the experience of young people. The idea that all under 21's should be living in a prohibitionist and chaste nation of their own until some date on the calendar arrives, is pretty unrealistic, isn't it? Then we expect them to emerge with either flawless judgement or the ability to continue to suppress any interest in this stuff till at least their first divorce?

In many parts of the world, 21 year olds are responsible parents of three. I'm not Margaret Meade and I'm not suggesting some second or third world model for raising North Americans. I am asking whether we need to acknowledge that young people are social and sexual beings way before they finish their graduate degrees? Whose discomfort are we really managing when we try to keep them eunuchs and tea totallers? Isn't this the part of life that makes you human, your social and sexual life? Otherwise we're just tax-paying work machines and consumers propping up the dollar? The "moral turpitude" method of social control was old a couple of generations ago, no?

Too good to resist:

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I like the fact-based approach. My wife and I drink "regularly" - wine with dinner, cocktails sometimes, beer after work. We have always told our older son that this is normal (because it is) and that he's going to hear a lot of exaggerations about alcohol in school (which he has). He's a sensible kid who knows that alcohol is a powerful drug but that it has been used by civilized humans for millenia, and has a place in our culture. He also knows the facts of the history of the drinking age laws and that they are arbitrarily different in different countries.

Basically he's in a good position to make good choices. The message: it's OK not to drink, or to drink in moderation, and if you drink to excess, you'll likely enjoy it for a while and regret it later.

Good for you, Fitz. I grew up in a similar situation (european parents) and this hysteria about teenage drinking and sex seems very immature on the part of adults.

quietwife:

The idea that all under 21's should be living in a prohibitionist and chaste nation of their own until some date on the calendar arrives, is pretty unrealistic, isn't it?

You introduce kids to things gradually. You don't expect kids to be responsible drivers at age 10. You don't expect them to be rational voters at age 15. You don't expect 17 year olds to do a good job holding public office. Each of these has an arbitrary age limit set.

Kids gradually assume responsibility for their own actions. A 10-year old might go with his friends to a store, and have to choose whether or not to steal a candy bar. At 16, he might have to choose whether or not to steal a car. Having the ability to say "no" to his friend at 10, because he was allowed to be with them, may give him the strength to tell them no at 16.

It is reasonable to let a kid date at a given age, first in a group, and then "solo." While it is unrealistic to expect every kid to contain his/her hormones till marriage, it's not unreasonable to ask them to try. Correct information about birth control needs to be available, so if they make choices you might rather they not make, they won't suffer unnecessary consequences.

It's silly for a parent who smokes, drinks, uses drugs, or sleeps around to ask their kids to abstain completely. However, even then, it's reasonable to ask them to follow limits. People who smoke might tell the kid to wait till they are 18, for instance. Is it arbitrary? Of course it is! However, if a kid in this state is caught smoking under age 18, he can lose his right to drive for a few years. It's harsher to let him get caught than to ask him to wait. It won't kill him not to smoke (drink, etc.) till age of consent, but it might kill him if he doesn't.

With age comes maturity. Brains continue to develop into the 20's, and ethics continue to develop perhaps even till death of old age. Waiting just a few years to drink can make a big difference in a kid's life. The effect on his brain and the maturity factor play a big role.