OVERHEARD ON THE FERRY

The ferry horn emits a long, rude bleat
as a small fishing boat attempts to leave the harbor
right across its bow.
Everyone holds their breath.

A man in motorcycle leathers spits into the wind and yells to his friend,
"Good thing we finished that bottle at the campground.
They don't sell liquor here."

"She's not our real daughter. We got her in Korea."
And in response, "That reminds me, I need to have Cesar
start working on the lily bed."

"He was the perfect husband
until he said he just needed some time alone.
He lied, but he left her everything, a nice car and a big house."

A pigeon guillemot lands on the ship's rail.
How comical it looks, dressed in formal black
but wearing big, orange shoes.
It makes you wonder who the real clowns are here.

"She's not our real daughter. We got her in Korea."
And in response, "That reminds me, I need to have Cesar
start working on the lily bed."

nailed it to the wall, IT.

I agree with waltz that you nailed it, re the way that some folks use others, particularly those from other countries, as hood ornaments for their lives. You said it richly and with economy.

I do not like 'rude bleat' as it seems cliche to me. Even a rude blast would have been better, but given time, I suspect you can come up with something way better.

Re the motorcyle guy and his buddy, it is contradictory to think that he would be glad they had already sucked down all of their liquor if they are now moving to DRY area. More likely, he would be saying "It's a good thing we stashed the extra stuff..." somewhere or other.

Finally, it was, truly, the last line that brought it home for me, but I suspect it is a bit much. It is there for the benefit of those such as myself ( :)) who cannot figure things out on their own. Maybe 'big orange clown shoes' or some other way to bring it home without making the judgement yourself?

Maybe just losing the last line?

But a nice piece, with great intent, a great message.

I did enjoy it, and that is what matters most to me.

Take care.

Hi, soccerfreak, Thanks for taking the time to really critique my poem. I appreciated the comments. It's funny, I had 'blast' but changed it to 'bleat' because I thought 'blast' was more cliched. And the point about the motorcycle guys, although I did a very poor job of expressing it, was that the ferry ride is short and so they drove drunk to the ferry, won't have time to sober up, and will be driving drunk to the next place they can buy alcohol. So I'll try to rework both of those problem spots.

And again, I had something very similar to 'big, orange clown shoes' and changed it. True, an incisive reader will not need to be hit over the head with the fact that I'm pointing out bad behavior, but I like hitting people over the head :-)

Anyway, none of the above is meant to be argumentative. It helps to have a good reader make constructive comments.

On a slightly different note, I read your "Cancer Day" poem under Ted's Berrigan post. I thought the final line was a little flippant, but loved the rest of it -- better than Berrigan's. I just wish you didn't have to be writing it based on personal experience.

I like hitting people over the head

me, too, IT. favorite pastime. and it's free.

if this poem gets a re-write, please share it with us.