I like Michael Kinsley, but his column raises the question whether he has a sense of humor. He "never found George Carlin. . . terribly funny"?
I rebuttal I offer a few Carlinisms:
§ Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
§ Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
§ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
§ The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
§ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
§ Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
§ If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
§ If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
§ If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
§ Is there another word for synonym?
§ Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
§ What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
§ If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
§ Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
§ If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
§ Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
§ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
§ If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
§ Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
§ How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
§ How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
§ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
§ What was the best thing before sliced bread?
§ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
§ Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
§ Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
§ How is it possible to have a civil war?
§ If God dropped acid, would he see people?
§ If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
§ If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
§ If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
§ Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
§ Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
§ Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
§ Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
§ Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
§ If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that same stuff?
§ Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
§ If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, doesn't he become disoriented?
